MONDAY, JANUARY 26
Today in "Lady News!": Some of Hollyweird's most celebrated talent is finally... FINALLY... giving the brush-off to one of the most insulting, grotesque practices of award ceremonies—the mani cam. Invented by the idiot star humpers at E! Network, the mani cam was developed for starlets to show off their nails during red carpet events... but ever since Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss flipped off the mani cam at the 2014 Golden Globes, more and more actresses have been throwing it shade. At this week's SAG Awards, Julianne Moore flat out told E!'s Maria Menounos, "I'm not doing that," while Jennifer Aniston also refused to submit to the mani cam—but maybe that was because she had forgotten to get her hooves done? (Sorry! Not sorry!) MEANWHILE... The cast of the Ghostbusters reboot has been announced, and it's lady-rific! Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones, and Kate McKinnon will be taking over the roles originally inhabited by Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd... aaaaaand of course, this has infuriated a legion of insecure men. Here's what one particularly insecure male said on his twatter machine: "Lazy Hollywood film making 'let's make a ghostbusters remake but with women!' Only soccer moms and feminist bimbos will watch that trash." Happily, there were plenty of more intelligent responses, including this twatter gem from Dave Itzkoff: "An all-female Ghostbusters? What's next, an all-male hierarchy perpetuated throughout thousands of years of recorded history?" (And with that, you can scamper back to your "man" caves, insecure boys.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 27
Last week we reported that the Sundance screening of the very revealing documentary Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief is driving the church absolutely batshit bonkers. Among other accusations—such as the church's physical abuse of members, and allegedly threatening to expose John Travolta's alleged secret sexual preferences (you know what we're talking about)—reports are surfacing of other, even more potentially damaging revelations involving Tom Cruise. For example, one former top Scientology official claimed in the film that church leader David Miscavige would privately mock Tom for his "perverted" sex life... but wouldn't elaborate on what type of perversions. (BOOOOO.) The next accusation involves Tom's former wife Nicole Kidman, claiming that he actually—"ANN! THOSE BASELESS ACCUSATIONS OF TOM WIRETAPPING NICOLE'S PHONE ARE FLIMFLAMMISH BALDERDASHERY!" squealed Emperor Klaktu, chief Scientology spokesalien, via holotube from his home planet of Rigel VII. Ohhhh-kay. So if Scientology wiretapping charges aren't true... how did you know we were going to say that? "Ummmm... sorry, Ann!" Klaktu stammered. "Didn't catch that! Our holotube connection is breaking up. Gotta run! By the way, you might want to check on Hubby Kip, he's stealing cupcakes from the fridge again. Byeeeee!"
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28
Everybody breathe a sigh of relief; Lindsay Lohan won't be going to jail this week, because she's completed her 240 hours of community service. As we breathlessly reported last week, LiLo was on the verge of returning to the hoosegow due to insufficient community service hours—which she blamed on contracting the Chikungunya virus on the island of Bora Bora. (What's unbelievable about that?) Anyway, according to her beleaguered lawyer Shawn Holley, she has somehow completed her required hours, and all is well, right? WRONG. Because according to TMZ, the prosecutor claims that some of that so-called "community service" was just Lindsay shaking hands with fans at a meet-and-greet—so a new investigation is underway. Look, prosecutors! The way we see it, every day Lindsay isn't back-ending cars or robbing jewelry stores, she's doing the "community" a "service."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 29
Speaking of community service, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you should steam your vagina. In an article from her stupid lifestyle site Goop, Gwynnie suggests going to a fancy Korean spa in Santa Monica to get a Mugworth V-Steam. Here's her description: "A combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al," Gwyneth writes. "It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you're in LA, you have to do it." FUCK YOU, GWYNETH. Anyway, in the interest of goddamned common sense, OB/GYN Dr. Jen Gunter took to her very informative blog to shove some knowledge into Gwyneth's goddamned empty head. "Ms. Paltrow and the people who push V-steams also need a little anatomy lesson," Dr. Gunter writes, "because unless that steam is under high pressure (like with ejaculation) it's not getting from the vagina into the uterus. Air (whether hot or cold) does not magically wander from the vagina into the uterus." Dr. Gunter adds, "Steam is probably not good for your vagina. Herbal steam is no better and quite possibly worse. It is most definitely more expensive... if you want to relax your vagina, have an orgasm." Or, you know, never read another Goop article again.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 30
Friendly reminder, dears: Don't be roommates with Power Rangers. This weekend, Ricardo Medina Jr.—whom you might remember as the "Red Lion Ranger" on Power Rangers Wild Force ("Five teenagers are chosen by five Power Animals to become the Wild Force Rangers, to fight the evil Jinderax and Toxica and their evil Orgs," according to IMDb) and as "Deker" on Power Rangers Samurai ("A new generation of Power Rangers must master the mystical and ancient Samurai Symbols of Power")—was arrested "for stabbing his roommate to death with a sword," reports TMZ. You really didn't need that childhood anyway, did you?
SATURDAY, JANUARY 31
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are pregnant. Their baby will be prettier, smarter, and more talented than yours. Sorry!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1
"ARE YOU READY FOR SOME compartmentalization of a multitude of serious ethical concerns so you can enjoy some FOOTBALL?" 22 Jump Street director Chris Miller tweeted today—and indeed, Americans were delighted to forget all about the NFL's history of spousal abuse, brain damage, and player suicide so that they could watch the New England Patriots trounce the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX. Something else they witnessed: Katy Perry's 12-minute halftime show, which featured appearances from Lenny Kravitz (eye roll) and Missy Elliott (eeeee!), and thanks to dancing sharks, a giant chrome lion, a flying firework harness, and Katy screeching "God bless America!" it was exactly as tacky as we hoped this Katy Perry Super Bowl Spectacular™ would be. IN ACTUAL NEWS... Carl Krawitt, the father of a six-year-old boy with leukemia, has "asked the superintendent of his Marin County school district to keep unvaccinated children out of school," the New York Times reports. "I respect people's choices about what to do with their kids, but if someone's kid gets sick and gets my kid sick, too, that's a problem," said Krawitt. "What we need to do, for all our children, is increase the herd immunity." Krawitt's common-sense statements were the latest salvo in what the Times called "the vaccination wars"—which, in fact, are not something out of Battlestar Galactica but an actual event, arising after an outbreak of measles at Disneyland spread throughout the West, from Washington and Oregon down to Mexico. The statistics are horrifying: In 2004, the United States saw 37 reported cases of measles; by 2014, that number exploded to 644. (Before measles vaccinations became common in the early 1960s, 400 to 500 people died from measles each year, and millions were infected.) "I don't think its fatality rate has decreased," vaccine expert Daniel Salmon, of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, told the Times. "We just haven't had enough cases for someone to die." Hey, here's an idea: All you parents who refuse to vaccinate your kids? You can send your kids to special schools, away from the rest of us! We'll call them "hospitals." IN RELATED NEWS... TMZ reports that Val Kilmer was admitted to the UCLA Medical Center after coughing up blood—at which point doctors "operated immediately and found a tumor." UGH! GROSS! And just like measles, this is another case of superstition trumping science. "Val has known about the tumor since summer," TMZ claims—but despite having "trouble speaking" and having his neck swell "to the point he covered it up with scarves and other clothing items" (UGH, GROSS, AGAIN), Val refused to get treatment. "He would have none of it because of his Christian Science beliefs," family members told TMZ. "The family says Val would never confess to the pain because it was an admission that prayer didn't work." UPDATE... "Oh, wow," Val Kilmer said from his hospital bed, unable to avert his eyes from the war crime that was Katy Perry's halftime show. "I think... I think I just realized god doesn't exist? No god would ever allow this." Kilmer paused for a brief coughing fit, then adjusted his scarf. "Missy Elliott still kicks ass though."