DAVID DUCHOVNY Worst X-FIles episode... EVER.
KATY PERRY Currently rubbing her hands together and laughing maniacally.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2

Oh, and one last thing about the Super Bowl thing that steals waaaay too much of our national attention... remember a few months ago when Katy Perry was announced as the Super Bowl halftime entertainment, and rumors were flying about how she was going to use the time to dis her arch-enemy Taylor Swift in front of a national audience? Well, we figured the dis was just that... a rumor. UNTIL WE FOUND OUT WHO WAS IN THAT SHARK COSTUME. If you missed the halftime show, the dancing sharks (who performed with Katy during her rendition of "California Gurls" and "Teenage Dream") were definitely the highlight (okay, fine, Missy Elliott was good, too), and left the entirety of the internet wondering, "Who's inside those shark suits?" As it turned out, one of those sharks was dancer Scott Myrick—the centerpiece in Katy and Taylor's longtime feud! Myrick was originally a member of TSwift's Red Tour... until Katy yoinked him to dance in her world tour. Taylor was FAH-URIOUS, telling Rolling Stone, "[Katy] did something so horrible... she basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour." She has allegedly never forgiven Katy for the slight, and the "California Gurl" never misses an opportunity to subtly rub salt in Taylor's wound. SO! Who was in the second shark suit? Knowing Katy, we wouldn't be surprised if it was Taylor's ex-boy toy John Mayer... dressed in a "Shake It Off" t-shirt.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3

Hello, it's Tuesday, which means it's time for former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee to say something fucking stupid. During an interview with CNN's State of the Union, the probable GOP presidential failure called homosexuality a "lifestyle choice," comparing it to drinking and saying dirty words. "I don't shut people out of... my life because they have a different point of view," Huck opined. "I don't drink alcohol, but gosh—a lot of my friends, maybe most of them, do. You know, I don't use profanity, but believe me, I've got a lot of friends who do." Well, Huckabee is partially right; being gay is a lot like drinking and swearing, because we spent most of college doing all three. MEANWHILE... It's true that Lindsay Lohan and her terrible mother Dina have had their differences of opinion—but here's one thing they can both agree on: suing Fox News and making a lot of money! A year ago Sean Hannity and some of his idiot friends were discussing celebrity drug use on his show, when one of them said, "Lindsay's mom is doing cocaine with [Lindsay]." After a screaming Lohan hissy fit, Fox retracted the statement... but left the video floating around the internet like something they forgot to flush. Well! Apparently DLo and LiLo have had enough (slamming their bony hands down on the table) and are suing Fox News for defamation, claiming they have suffered "severe mental and emotional distress" as well as "diminished income and economic opportunities." And besides, it's just a flat-out lie! They have never done cocaine "together"!! (...In the same bathroom... off the lid of the same dirty toilet tank.)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4

And now, something from "how the other half lives" desk: Paris Hilton's younger brother Conrad Hilton was spotted loudly threatening flight attendants on an international flight, according to TMZ. Later blaming his freakout on an adverse reaction to a sleeping pill (mmmmm-hmmmmm), Conrad was heard viciously screaming at the attendants, "You wanna square up to me, bro?" as well as, "I am going to fucking kill you," and (our personal favorite), "I will fucking own anyone on this flight—they are fucking peasants." Needless to say, he was handcuffed to his seat for the rest of the flight and arrested upon landing. (Actually, he got off pretty easy... after all, he didn't try this during the French Revolution.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 5

NBC News anchor Brian Williams apologized yesterday for "conflating" a previously told story about being on a helicopter that was shot down during the 2003 invasion of Iraq. After being called out by a flight engineer who was actually there, Williams admitted to being in an aircraft that arrived an hour later, blaming the discrepancy on the "fog of memory." Shocking no one, Fox News had a field day with the announcement, led by network analyst Howard Kurtz who wrote the following: "The admission raises serious questions about [Williams'] credibility in a business that values that quality above everything else." We would insert a scathing joke about the "credibility" of Fox News here... but we've tipped over enough cows for one day. Just shut up forever, you fucking hypocrites.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6

This week, we witnessed what the New York Times called "one of the most monumental discoveries in contemporary literature." A manuscript of Go Set a Watchman—a "new" novel from Harper Lee, and one the reclusive genius originally wrote as a precursor to her classic To Kill a Mockingbird—was discovered by Lee's lawyer, Tonja B. Carter, and will be published in July by HarperCollins. A literary miracle??? Possibly! EXCEPT. As Vulture wrote last year, the 88-year-old Lee has been "wheelchair-bound, forgetful, and largely deaf and blind" since suffering a stroke in 2007, and had largely relied on her older sister, Alice, to safeguard her affairs. As Alice wrote in 2011, Harper "can't see and can't hear and will sign anything put before her by anyone in whom she has confidence." Here's where things get even more suspicious: Alice died just three months ago. Add in that the editors and publishers at HarperCollins have been allowed to speak only with Carter, not Lee, and this whole thing gets sketchy. While Carter claims Lee is "hurt and humiliated" by suggestions she's been pressured or tricked into publishing (Carter also produced a statement she said Lee had written, which read, "I'm alive and kicking and happy as hell with the reactions to Watchman"), we're starting to wish that someone adept at untangling knots of morality and law could help us sort this one out. Where's Atticus Finch when we need him? IN OTHER LITERARY NEWS... The X Files star David Duchovny has written Holy Cow, which NPR book critic Michael Schaub notes is "about a cow named Elsie Bovary (get it?) who flees her farm with a pig and a turkey. They eventually end up in Jerusalem. This is possible because the turkey knows how to fly an airplane. The moral of the story, which is stated explicitly and repeatedly, is that people should be more conscious about the food they eat." Oh, and also, at some point the cow, the pig, and the turkey team up with a camel "to bring peace to the Middle East." If you'll excuse us, dears, we have to go to Powell's immediately.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7

"With advice from more than 200 policy experts, Hillary Rodham Clinton is trying to answer what has emerged as a central question of her early presidential campaign strategy: how to address the anger about income inequality without overly vilifying the wealthy," the New York Times reports. Here, Hillary, let us help you solve that problem: VILIFY THE WEALTHY. THEY ARE VILLIANS. TAX THE HELL OUT OF THEM. FIX INCOME INEQUALITY BY MAKING INCOMES MORE EQUAL. Annnd... we're all done here, right? If you've got any questions, Hill, just have your people call our people! Liberté! Égalité! Fraternité!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8

Six years ago at the VMA Awards, Kanye West stormed the stage, interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech to speak the words that have since been stamped upon our national currency and tattooed upon each of our hearts: "Yo, Taylor, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!" We mention this, of course, because tonight, Kanye did the only thing even remotely interesting at tonight's Grammy Awards. When noted Scientology cult victim Beck won Best Rock Album for Morning Phase—beating out Beyoncé's amazing self-titled album—Kanye promptly ran onstage as if to interrupt, causing the crowd to gasp. While Kanye was only clowning (grinning, he left the stage as soon as he stepped onto it), he didn't soften his words when he spoke to E! afterward. "I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us," West said. "We ain't gonna play with them no more. And Beck needs to respect artistry, and he should've given his award to Beyoncé." So... we aren't sure when we started agreeing with Kanye? But... that's a thing we're doing now, we guess? (Ooh! That reminds us of another thing we need to tell Hillary when she calls: That if she really wants to win, she'll run on a Clinton/Beyoncé ticket.)