MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16
Somehow... some way... Kanye West is determined to make us believe he's a real fashion designer. And if he can't do it on the runways of Milan, he'll convince us by using his 20-month-old daughter North West as his fashion guinea pig. Last week, North was seen traipsing around NYC wearing a $3,500 crystal fox fur coat. (Strangely, PETA didn't throw a bucket of red paint on the toddler. Hypocrites.) Later in the week, North was at the Fashion Week debut of Kanye's new Adidas collection, wearing... get this... a bulletproof vest. Momster Kim Kardashian twattered a pic of the vest-wearing kid, squealing, "Look at my little cutie!!! #BabyYeezyBulletProofVest." Though still unable to speak, little North was quoted as thinking, "My parents are trying to get me killed, please send help." MEANWHILE... Poor, eternally disrespected Kanye moaned to style.com that many of his "fashion friends" turned their backs on him after he started dating Kim. "As soon as we started dating, fashion people were really opposed to the idea of reality stars," Kanye said, making a boo-boo face. "They already had their back to her, and now they've turned it to me." (Kind of like 87 percent of Kanye's former music fanbase, including ourselves? He may have a point.) However, certain fashionistas despise Kanye's attempts at design just as much as they dislike his wife. Kelly Cutrone, founder of fashion PR firm People's Revolution—who also was frequently seen in MTV's The Hills (SQUEAL!)—had some very direct words for the rapper/designer. "I'm not into his fashion thing," Kelly told People magazine. "He's fine as a rapper. I think he's a joke as a fashion designer." "Umm... that's putting it lightly," toddler North West mentally interjected. "Again, he's dressing me in BULLETPROOF VESTS. Can someone please call child services??"
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17
Did your mom see 50 Shades of Grey this past weekend? And before you squeal a horrified, "Ewwwww NO!!" make note of this: As of press time, 50 Shades has made $410.6 million worldwide. So yeah... your mom totally went. However, that's not to say she (or others) enjoyed it! For example, during a Valentine's Day screening in Glasgow, the Telegraph reported that a man was watching the film when three very drunk women began shouting and vomiting in the aisles. When he asked them to quiet down, they allegedly attacked him—some say with a wine bottle, though police did not substantiate that claim. Moviegoer Michael Bolton—not that Michael Bolton, but it would certainly make the story more interesting—was also watching 50 Shades that night, and had this on-the-scene report. "The guys at the cinema were tidying up the blood [afterward], and wiping down seats before [the next screening]," Bolton said. "Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested." So on the upside? At least your mom wasn't either of those three women. (Or was she?)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18
Every single day people make horrible, terrible mistakes on the internet. But those mistakes are mere trifles compared to the monstrous, monumental fuckup perpetrated by those who chose to post un-photoshopped pictures of Beyoncé on their website! As we should all know by now, Queen Bey has decreed that no photo of her greatness shall be posted on any site without her royal majesty's permission—ESPECIALLY those that show any of her physical flaws OF WHICH THERE ARE NONE. (See the great Buzzfeed fuckup of 2013 when they posted "unflattering" pictures of Our Lady's Super Bowl halftime performance.) This time around, a fan site called "The Beyoncé World" posted 200(!) unretouched photos of the anointed one lifted from a L'Oréal cosmetic campaign—which depicted her with blemishes, wrinkles, and other things real non-holy people have on their faces. Naturally, the world went INSANE and demanded the pictures be taken down immediately—which the fan site did, lest they suddenly find themselves thrown into a black windowless van, chained up, and dumped into an icy lake. So don't worry, Beyoncé! As far as we're concerned, these "pictures" never existed, and thanks to your memory-wiping device... umm... wait, ummm... what were we saying?
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Former Saturday Night Live cast member and Twatter raconteur Norm Macdonald used his fave social media platform yesterday to spill some juicy backstage gossip from last weekend's SNL 40th Anniversary Special. According to Macdonald, Eddie Murphy shot down a suggestion that he play Bill Cosby in a Jeopardy! parody, because "the laughs are not worth it." (Said the man who built his career on parodying everyone from Buckwheat to Mister Rogers, but now is taking the high road in regard to someone who allegedly date raped more than 30 women. Well, then. How the mighty have fallen.)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20
"Vanilla Ice was arrested for burglary in Florida on Wednesday," according to the Hollywood Reporter. "Ice, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle, was taken into custody for a burglary that happened adjacent to where he was renovating a home for his Vanilla Ice Project reality show." (So... Vanilla Ice might have stolen stuff... while on camera? FINGERS CROSSED, because a Vanilla Ice: Not a Sneaky Thief sounds like a way better show than Vanilla Ice Project.) While police found items at the Casa d'Ice—including bicycles(?), furniture(??), and a pool heater(?!??!)—Vanilla Ice says it's all a "misunderstanding." "It's just out of proportion," the glum former rapper told NBC Miami. "I wish you guys would focus on all the good things I've done." Your wish is our command, Robert: Following this sentence, please find a complete list of all the good things you've ever done. IN OTHER NEWS... In an interview for online magazine Edit, the ever-charming Anna Kendrick was asked if her hilariousness on Twitter (sample tweet: "Ugh—NEVER going to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theater again. Apparently masturbating in the back row is still considered 'inappropriate'") was her way of acting "normal." "I guess, maybe," Kendrick replied. "It feels dishonest to me to let anybody in the world think that my farts smell like lavender or something." In conclusion, Anna Kendrick is the greatest person in the world, regardless of whether or not her farts actually smell like lavender. (We suspect they do.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21
Today Hubby Kip had an aneurysm when Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice director Zack Snyder tweeted a picture of one of the film's key funnybook characters: Aquaman, who, as far as we can tell, is the stupidest character that has ever existed in a medium devoted to stupid characters. "Interesting, interesting," Kip said, while zooming in on the image of Aquaman, played by Game of Thrones' Jason Momoa. "It appears that instead of scale armor—which, as you know, replicated the aesthetic of Aquaman's aquatic brethren—they've given him scale-shaped tattoos of a vaguely Maori design! They also appear to have given him at least two extra prongs on his trident! Is it too early to predict that this Aquaman will be a fearsome marine warrior, à la Dothraki horse lord Khal Drogo? While the filmmakers will undoubtedly retain Aquaman's ability to telepathically commune with whales, sharks, dolphins, and shrimp, one has to wonder what changes are in store for the Mighty King of the Seven Se—" So! Anyone have a good divorce lawyer they can recommend? IN MARGINALLY MORE INTERESTING NEWS... Stephen Colbert has a beard. "I have not allowed this to happen to my face since college," Colbert told the Daily Beast. "I have like nine months where nobody has to see me so I said, 'I wonder what I look like?'" Spoiler: It looks like Stephen Colbert with a beard.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22
Speaking of beards, John Travolta and his wife, Kelly Preston, attended the 87th Annual Academy Awards this evening... and then Travolta made things weird. It all started on the red carpet, with a very unwanted embrace that John gave a clearly squicked-out Scarlett Johansson... and then continued onstage, as Travolta creepily caressed the face of an obviously uncomfortable Idina Menzel, causing the Daily Mirror to write about Travolta's "touchy feely antics," declaring him "the creepy uncle at this year's Oscars." "Now wait just a minute!" Emperor Klaktu, High Ruler of Rigel VII and Scientology spokesalien, interrupted via holochat. "I know John from church, and people are being way too hard on him! As far as I can tell, he was just replicating the traditional greeting of my species, the Vurganthians! You see, Ann, in this eon-old exchange, the greeter utilizes at least seven—but no more than 13—tentacles to lovingly feel up the greetee's fang-maw, razor fins, and moistened reproductive stalk-slits. The longer a Vurganthian can maintain this slow, rhythmic contact, you see, the more pheromones are exchanged—and thus, the greater respect is displayed! So, Ann, this really isn't weird at all. Also, you can totally tell how attracted John is to women by how much he touches them whenever cameras are around." Klaktu went on to voice his disappointment that Best Picture went to "stupid Birdman" instead of "Boyhood, which totally made me cry," and to agree that the smarmy, self-satisfied Neil Patrick Harris should never be allowed to host anything ever again. "Tell your fellow Earthlings that I'm available to host, Ann!" Klaktu said. "But if I host, you know how it'll go—Tom Cruise wins everything! Ha! I love that guy."