KIM KARDASHIAN Just like Mozart! (If Mozart was an untalented, terrible person.)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23

Darlings, don't panic, because there was not one, but TWO very good reasons why crooked-nosed witch Kim Kardashian did not attend the Oscars: (1) She was too busy practicing the piano. "Just finished my piano lesson," Kim tweeted to a world who could not have given a single shit. "I'm going to surprise Kanye by learning one of his songs!" (Maybe "Gold Digger"?) And reason number two: "I have no one to watch [baby] North." Poor destitute Kim can't afford a babysitter, you guys! But according to baby North, "Jesus Christ... I'll pay for the sitter! Just get her away from me—PLEASE!" IN A RELATED STORY OF THE POOR DESTITUTE KARDASHIANS... The Kardashian family has just signed a $100 million-plus contract with the E! Network for four more years of their heavily scripted "reality" show. So what does E! get in exchange for their $100 mill? Here's an actual scene (provided by TMZ) from an upcoming episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, in which Kim moves into her new McMansion—but not before stealing cookware from her mom's house. CUT TO: Momster Kris Jenner showing up at Kim's door, screeching, "I gave you life and you stole my cookware!" Kim slams the door in her face, inspiring Kris to respond, "You won't get rid of me this easily!" as she picks up a rock and hurls it through an upstairs window. CUT TO: A shot of startled Baby North, crying uncontrollably. Annnnnd... scene. Money well spent, E! Network (you stupid fools). Money well spent.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24

Loyal One Day readers will remember a recent column about beloved celeb Lindsay Lohan trying to pass off a meet-and-greet as "community service hours." (She owes the court 240 hours in all.) However, she now thinks that including her time spent onstage in the London production of Speed-the-Plow should be counted as community service as well! TMZ reports that when prosecutor Terry White was verifying LiLo's reported time, he noticed that her "service of the community" included two hours of performing in a matinee, two hours more for the evening show, as well as two extra hours for the aforementioned meet-and-greet. Plus! Lindsay also gave herself credit for a fundraiser she threw for CSV—the community service organization that's supposed to be scrutinizing her. (Ummm, hello conflict of interest!) Next thing you know, Linds will be submitting community service time for "gaming the system," "making the prosecutor look like an a-hole," and "appearing in no less than 235 One Day at a Time columns."

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25

Though it sends sharp, shooting pains to the deepest recesses of our soul, we are forced to give "props" to one of the most despised people on the planet: Food Network douchebag Guy Fieri. The celebrity chef (most often seen with frosted tips, a douchey goatee, and wearing sunglasses on the back of his stupid head like an idiot) was recently in Miami, where he took the opportunity to officiate 101 same-sex weddings in a state that only recently legalized it. Obviously, this puts us in a delicate position. On one hand, we unequivocally support our LGBTQ friends and their right to marry (or not marry) anyone they damn please. On the other hand, Guy Fieri makes us vomit into our Manolo Blahniks. Therefore, we've decided to "allow" this, and adjust Guy's celebrity ranking thusly: He's gone from 437 percent loathability to 384 percent.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26

According to the absolutely trustworthy Life & Style tabloid, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted at a recent party totally ignoring future wife Rihanna to rub his nasty twig-and-bumblebee-filled beard up against 50 Shades of Grey star Dakota Johnson. "He put his arm around Dakota and led her into the grand ballroom," said a "source" (AKA the 50 Shades marketing team). "He told her, 'Let's go look at all the celebrities.' Dakota looked like she was trying to play it cool, but you could tell she was thrilled to have his attention." No! Wait! Let us finish that quote for you: "Staring deeply into Dakota's eyes, Leo said in a husky voice, 'My desires are... unconventional.' He then led her by the hand into his disgusting beard where she quickly became hopelessly lost in the hairy brambles filled with thorns, chewing tobacco, and last season's Victoria's Secret models. THE END."

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27

"Long before nerdy was cool, there was Leonard Nimoy," began today's statement by President Barack Obama. This morning, Nimoy—the beloved Star Trek actor, as well as a dedicated director, photographer, and writer—died at age 83. "Leonard was a lifelong lover of the arts and humanities, a supporter of the sciences, generous with his talent and his time," Obama continued. "And of course, Leonard was Spock. Cool, logical, big-eared, and level-headed, the center of Star Trek's optimistic, inclusive version of humanity's future. I loved Spock." Indeed, even for those of us who can't name every episode of Star Trek, this is sad news. (Hubby Kip—who can, and all too often, does name every episode of Star Trek—has been in the basement all day, watching Star Trek movies over and over. We're just going to give him some time—and maybe once we're done writing this, we'll make him a Metropolitan, and tell him we made it with Vulcan brandy.) Meanwhile, someone nearly as important as Obama weighed in. "I loved him like a brother," tweeted a saddened William Shatner, along with a picture of himself and Nimoy. "We will all miss his humor, his talent, and his capacity to love."

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28

While Kim Kardashian is up to... whatever it is she's doing with her dumb piano and her dumb mom throwing dumb rocks at her dumb house... her husband Kanye West is, apparently, possibly, feeling kinda-sorta bad about mocking Beck at the Grammys, when he bluntly (but correctly) informed the Scientologist weirdo that he should give his award to Beyoncé. Earlier this week, Kanye apologized on Twitter. "I would like to publicly apologize to Beck, I'm sorry Beck," Kanye tweeted. Hmm. A little stilted, perhaps, but we're sure it's from the heart. WAIT A SECOND. Less than 60 seconds later, came another Kanye apology! "I also want to publicly apologize to Bruno Mars, I used to hate on him but I really respect what he does as an artist." KANYE! KANYE! WHILE YOU WERE DISTRACTED BY KIM'S DUMB PIANO, BECK AND BRUNO MARS HACKED INTO YOUR TWITTER AND ARE POSTING HORRIBLE THINGS! IT IS SUPER EMBARRASSING! CHANGE YOUR PASSWORD, KANYE! CHANGE IT ASAP, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1

In the charming British town of Milton Keynes—located in the northern part of ever-so-charming Buckinghamshire—things are going absolutely charmingly, with nothing to report... except that the local cinema is showing 50 Shades of Grey, and during a Valentine's Day screening, "the entire audience had to be evacuated after one woman, believed to be drunk, vomited copiously during the film," reports the Milton Keynes Citizen. "She lost control of everything, including all bodily fluids. The whole cinema stank," a "disgruntled cinemagoer" told the Citizen. "She practically had to be carried out," another distraught resident of Milton Keynes noted. "And the mess she left behind was just disgusting. There was no way they could clean it up there and then—it would be a specialist job, so the film was stopped and everyone had to leave." Well, we're sure that was just an outlier, and other 50 Shades screenings are going swimmingl—MEANWHILE, IN SINALOA, MEXICO... "A horny Mexican moviegoer has been arrested for masturbating while watching 50 Shades of Grey," according to the New York Daily News. "The woman, said to be 33 years old, was caught red-handed while watching the film.... The woman was arrested and, ironically, given the S&M nature of the movie, slapped in handcuffs by cops." Again, we're sure this is just an anomaly, and those wanting to see 50 Shades can do so knowing they'll have a fine tim— MEANWHILE, IN GLASGOW... You might remember this little story from last week's One Day, but it bears repeating: "A Valentine's Day cinema screening of 50 Shades of Grey ended in chaos when three women were arrested for attacking a man," according to the Telegraph. "Witnesses claim the bust-up started after the victim asked the 'worse for wear' women to quiet down during a viewing.... Cinema visitors also claimed the man had been glassed and that the staff were forced to wipe blood from the seats before the next screening of the film." Glassing, dears, for those of you who might not know, is when you use a broken beer bottle or a pint glass to cut open an opponent. It's quite a popular strategy in bar brawls, of course, and after this week, it's also a tactic that we're going to use on the first person who suggests we watch 50 Shades of Grey.