MONDAY, MARCH 2
People love asking us, "Ann, why DO you love wasting so much ink on an oxygen-sucking, know-nothing, fake celebrity monster like Kim Kardashian?" And we invariably reply, "Because idiots say the most hilarious things!" For example, here are just a few of the idiotic things Kim K said this week: "I have the hairiest forehead you could ever imagine," she told People magazine, whom we can't imagine asked for that information. "I would always break out and get all cracky on my forehead just from all the hair I had. If you Google 2008 or 2007, I had the craziest hairline, so I did laser it." We'll take that challenge! Let's see here... by Googling 2008 we find that Barack Obama became president. No mention of her hairy, cracky forehead, though. Let's try 2007! Ummm... looks like Apple introduced the iPhone... and yet? Not a single article about a hairy-foreheaded monster roaming Los Angeles! But still... those were good times. MEANWHILE... In an interview with Adweek magazine, Kim Kardashian was asked to explain her addiction to taking "selfies." "I'm... sharing a part of my life with the world," she said of the 27 billion pictures of herself she's posted on an unwilling internet. "It's not that I brand myself like I'm a celebrity." WAIT. What did she just say? That is the biggest pile of revisionist history since... (rinnnng, rinnnnng)... hold on, that's our phone. Hello? (Oh, it's just master revisionist and former President George W. Bush asking, "Did you hear what she just said? She's making me look like an amateur!")
TUESDAY, MARCH 3
And now, here are some of the craziest things Kanye West said this week: While giving a lecture at Oxford University—WHO LET KANYE GIVE A LECTURE AT OXFORD UNIVERSITY??—the almighty Yeezus warned students in attendance to be absolutely silent, for "If I hear so much as a whisper," he warned, "then I lose my stream of consciousness." (Hey Kanye, you do know there's such a thing as a "lesson plan"?) He then went on to address the students for 30 minutes on myriad topics, including classism ("You know what should cost $5,000? A car. You know who should be making that car? The guy who is making a $500,000 car."). And the passage of time ("If you lose your expensive luggage at the airport, you can get that back. You can't get the time back."). And the Bible ("The Matrix is like the Bible of the post-information age."). And crabs ("We have the ability to approach our race like ants, or we have the ability to approach our race like crabs."). And how—not to drop names, but—he and President Obama are, like, super tight ("Obama calls me on the home phone, by the way."). And with that, the lecture concluded—and every student in attendance was given a diploma and Ph.D. in Yeezology, which they used to journey out into the world to eradicate hunger, intolerance, and the copious amount of hair on Kim Kardashian's forehead. Amen.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4
And you thought poor baby North West had it bad? TMZ reported today that R&B star/woman beater Chris Brown is the father of a nine-month baby girl. (Oh-ohhhhh.) Mom is a 31-year-old former model named Nia—a pal of Chris' current girlfriend Karrueche Tran (Oh-ohhhhh) who twattered the following after learning of the news: "Listen. One can only take so much. The best of luck to Chris and his family. No baby drama for me." (Oh-ohhhhh, and Ha-HAAAAAAA!) The poor child's name is "Royalty"—how can this story get any worse??—though Chris is reportedly already approaching a judge (without being asked) about providing child support. Does this mean that, for once, Chris Brown is doing the right thing? NO. Because TMZ claims that he'd already been paying "substantially more" for child support on the condition that mama Nia would keep her mouth shut about the baby. She didn't, so now Chris is going to the judge—who will almost certainly order him to pay much less than he does now. That's your daddy, Royalty! (Maybe you and North West can start a support group?)
THURSDAY, MARCH 5
In politics, possible GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told CNN why he's positive that homosexuality is a choice rather than a biological fact: "Because a lot of people who go into prison, go into prison straight—and when they come out they're gay." Dear GOP: Please nominate Ben Carson for president of the United States. He will never, ever embarrass you.
FRIDAY, MARCH 6
Another day, another woman accusing formerly beloved comedian Bill Cosby of rape. Known as "Patricia," the woman—now one of more than 30 women who have come forward—spoke to BuzzFeed News about a 1978 encounter, when Cosby allegedly invited her to his family home, served her dinner next to his fireplace, drugged her drink, and sexually assaulted her while she was unconscious. (Patricia also recounted Cosby's "so creepy" requests before she passed out: "Cosby," BuzzFeed reports, "wanted Patricia to pretend to be an elegant queen with oatmeal dripping all over her face.") "I had a lot of faith in authority figures like Cosby," Patricia said, while encouraging other victims to come forward. "I trusted them. I trusted them not to violate me." IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... Former entertainer and current accused serial rapist Bill Cosby has delivered a "strange message in pajamas," according to Page Six. In the "odd video," Cosby "is seen chatting on a white rotary phone about an upcoming show in West Virginia while wearing a set of pajamas." The video was accompanied by a terrifying message: "Dear Fans: I hope you enjoy my wonderful video message that's filled with laughter. Hey, hey, hey, I'm far from finished." FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, BILL. PLEASE BE FINISHED. (Also, everyone in West Virginia? Get out while you can.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 7
Following last year's Sony hacks, Sony Pictures Co-Chair Amy Pascal is becoming an on-the-lot producer. And as such, she's moving offices. There's just one problem, according to the Hollywood Reporter: "Sources say Pascal is unable to move into her new suite that Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg most recently occupied because the stench of marijuana cannot be easily removed." While the ever-charming Rogen and his buddy Goldberg are most famous for such gems of cinema as Pineapple Express, This Is the End, and The Interview, they're known for something else at Sony: "Rogen and Goldberg's neighbors had long complained of the smell emanating from their first-floor offices," the Reporter claims, while sources insist the stink is so potent it seeped into the building's flooring and can be smelled from the third floor of the building. Sony Pictures refused to officially comment, so we'll just leave this here: Rogen and Goldberg's upcoming film Sausage Party is described on IMDb as an "animated movie about one sausage's quest to discover the truth about his existence"—which doesn't at all sound like a stoner movie dreamt up by a couple of stoners who are stoned all the goddamned time.
SUNDAY, MARCH 8
Last month, on Valentine's Day, federal law enforcement officials raided the VFW hall in Bryan, Texas. While no one was arrested, they did detain and question some of the people inside: The loyal citizens of the Republic of Texas, an organization that insists, according to the New York Times, "Texas never legally became part of the United States and remains a separate nation... the group claims it had a duty to form a government, with a state department and with a court system run in part by a chiropractor." While the Republic of Texas insists it's a sovereign nation—going so far as to hold "joint sessions of congress" at the VFW hall and carry ID cards warning police officers they are diplomatic representatives of the nation of Texas"—nobody seems too concerned. "They're a harmless, clueless, and interesting group of generally nice older guys with too much time on their hands," state official Jerry Patterson told the Times, recalling how, during his time as a Texas land commissioner, he received "Republic letters demanding he vacate the office." And while the Republic has had past altercations, Patterson says that for the most part, "They have never tried to enforce their demands beyond writing amusing letters." Alas, they'll be writing them from somewhere else soon, as the Times reports that following the raid, the Republic got kicked out of the VFW hall... "so the Republic's next congressional session will be held at Ace Buffet and Grill in Waco." Great! Nothing bad ever happens in Waco! MEANWHILE... So... this is a perfect excuse for America to get rid of Texas and everything related to it forever, right? (Except for Friday Night Lights! That can stay on Netflix. We still think about you all the time, Tim Riggins.)