MONDAY, MARCH 9
Yesterday was International Women's Day, and how did former supermodel Naomi Campbell celebrate? By getting into a reported weave-tugging brawl with Brit model Cara Delevingne at a Paris Fashion Week party! According to the New York Post, Naomi—who as you may remember has a terrrrrible temper—got into a dustup with Cara (whom you've never heard of and never will again, so a bio isn't necessary), after she supposedly dissed Naomi's supposed "good friend" Rihanna! (OH NO SHE DID NOT.) "Naomi accused Cara of 'disrespecting' Rihanna and started yelling," claims a gabby bystander. "Naomi pushed Cara, who pushed back. Cara pulled Naomi's weave, but it didn't come off." Nobody knows what Cara originally said about RiRi, the fight was quickly broken up, and Naomi now denies the brawl ever transpired—but here are the two biggest takeaways from this story: (1) Hurray for Naomi for reportedly standing up for another woman on International Women's Day—though we kinda wish she hadn't been fighting another woman. And (2) Nobody can ever, WILL EVER pull out Naomi Campbell's weave. It's like the legendary Arthurian "sword in the stone."
TUESDAY, MARCH 10
Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton finally spoke out today about the email scandal in which she's currently embroiled. For those just joining us, the New York Times broke the story, which asserts that Clinton, while performing her job as secretary of state, used her own personal email to send correspondence, which apparently violates federal rules. It's kind of like when Hubby Kip uses his "secret" Gmail account to order Star Wars figurines off the internet. (Learn to use "incognito mode," idiot.) "I did not email any classified material to anyone on my email," Clinton said in a news conference. "I'm certainly well aware of the classification requirements and did not send classified material." Ohhh-kaaaay... that's hard for even knee-jerk liberals like ourselves to swallow. Why? Because our government is classified-happy. They classify practically everything, including more than 80 million documents in 2013 alone, according to the Times. Therefore it would be extremely hard to believe that Clinton didn't send one classified word in the more than 30,000 emails she sent—except for one thing: She's the top authority for the state department and therefore decides what is and is not classified. UNGGHHH. Soooo... what's Elizabeth Warren up to these days?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11
Okay, so apparently Johnny Depp has really bad breath. This is a Hollyweird rumor that's been around for as long as John Travolta has absolutely NOT been having sex with men. Way back in 2010, Angelina Jolie reportedly forced the star to gargle Listerine before engaging in on-screen kisses, and today, even Johnny's wife, Amber Heard, has allegedly had enough. "Amber has flat-out ordered Johnny to floss every day and brush his teeth more because his bad breath is becoming a serious turnoff," said some random source to the National Enquirer who titled their story, "Johnny Depp Oral Crisis." "He thinks the issue will go away by brushing his teeth a couple of times a day and chewing gum. But it's worse than ever!" IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY... Actor Johnny Depp severely hurt his hand while filming Pirates of the Caribbean 5, and was rushed back to the states for surgery. No one is saying how his hand was injured, but everyone's assuming he breathed on it.
THURSDAY, MARCH 12
We would say god works in mysterious ways—but since we don't believe in god, let's just put it this way: Robin Thicke just got successfully sued for about $7.3 million HA HA HA! As reported previously in One Day, Robin Thicke (the douche everyone hates) along with Pharrell (the guy in the hat) were taken to court by the estate of soul singer Marvin Gaye for allegedly cribbing his 1977 song "Got to Give It Up" in their recording of the rape-ish hit "Blurred Lines." After a year of legal wrangling—during which Thicke attempted to excuse his plagiarism by saying he was high and drunk most of the time—the jury agreed this week that Thicke and Pharrell were definitely big dumb copycats, and have ordered them to pay the estate a whopping $7.3 million. Again, and all together now... HA. HA. HA. And with that, newly destitute Pharrell had to sell his stupid hats, and Robin Thicke was never heard from again. Oh, and this just in from God: "Hmmf. You're welcome."
FRIDAY, MARCH 13
"Wet wipes, long used for baby care, have grown popular with adults," the New York Times reported today in their continuing coverage of the infantilization of Americans. According to the Times, there's only one problem with the fact that Americans' heinous McDonald's shits have become so disgusting that regular toilet paper is no longer up to the task: So-called "flushable" wipes are anything but (ha!), and are currently wreaking havoc in sewer systems. "Often, the wipes combine with other materials, like congealed grease, to create a sort of superknot," the Times reports. "The dank clusters, graying and impenetrable, gain mass like demon snowballs as they travel.... The consummate cautionary tale is that of London, where in 2013 a collection of wipes, congealed cooking oil, and other materials totaled 15 tons, according to Thames Water, the utility company that removed it. It was known, like some previous occurrences, as the fatberg." But now "stuffed" sewer systems are plaguing everywhere from California to Alaska to Hawaii... and even eco-loving Portland. So... way to be gross, Portland! Maybe don't keep it up? IN RELATED NEWS... Mayor Charlie Hales' developer pals are already fighting over who can build the most condos on the picturesque Willamette Fatberg, which, any day now, is expected to bubble and lurch to the surface somewhere between the Hawthorne and Morrison Bridges. It is already out of your price range.
SATURDAY, MARCH 14
Last week, dears, you might remember us writing about how Kanye West inexplicably gave a lecture at Oxford University, where (in addition to such insights as "The Matrix is like the Bible of the post-information age," and "We have the ability to approach our race like ants, or we have the ability to approach our race like crabs"), he casually dropped the line, "Obama calls me on the home phone, by the way." Well... maybe not, because... COUNTERPOINT! "Look, I love his music," President Obama said this week on Jimmy Kimmel Live! "He's incredibly creative. I don't think I've got his home number." But wait, because... COUNTER-COUNTERPOINT! "I love Obama!" Kanye told a gaggle of paparazzi at LAX yesterday. "He's called our house before. He knows that." So, dear readers...WHO SHALL WE BELIEVE? Kanye West or the leader of the free world? (Honestly, in order to decide, we probably need to know Obama's opinions on the Matrix sequels.)
SUNDAY, MARCH 15
Last night at Sony Studios, Comedy Central taped a roast for Justin Bieber, where a group of apparently random roasters were assembled, presumably because Bieber doesn't have any actual friends. They included Hannibal Buress, Natasha Leggero, Pete Davidson, Ludacris, Shaquille O'Neal, Snoop Dogg, Jeff Ross, and Martha Stewart. (Yes, Martha Stewart. We told you: apparently random celebrities.) And in the grand tradition of Comedy Central roasts, the jokes were terrible. We were going to tell you a few of them, but seriously—just terrrrrible. And Bieber's adorable ex, Selena Gomez, thought so, too! "Selena is furious that she was targeted so viciously by the comics at the roast—she's even saying that hearing the jokes made her feel like she was the one being roasted and not Justin!" a source gabbed to hollywoodlife.com. "While Selena's not entirely sure why she was the butt of a lot of jokes, she does feel that Justin may have had a hand in allowing the comedians to rip her to shreds." So... L'il Biebles took a night that was supposed to be about tearing him down, and instead used it to tear down his ex-girlfriend, who by all indications has moved on to a joyously Bieber-free existence? Ugh. AND SO... Dears, please bear witness as we vow to never make fun of Selena Gomez again. After all, Gomez—no matter how successful she is, no matter how happy she becomes, no matter how many cancers she cures—will always be known as the woman who once made the awful, awful decision of dating Justin Bieber. And really, isn't that already cruel and unusual punishment?