MONDAY, APRIL 13
Hi! Did you attend Coachella this year? Because we think we saw you in the crowd wearing a pork pie hat or a Native American headdress while drenched in copious amounts of Axe body spray. But don't fret—you weren't the only perpetrator of douchery at this weekend's festival. First up there was R&B singer Drake, who was joined onstage by 56-year-old Queen of Pop, Madonna. She recently confessed to Us magazine about her secret crush on Drake, and apparently chose this moment to make her dream come true—by planting a tongue-wrestling smooch on the singer. How did Drake react? NOT WELL. Upon completion of the kiss, Drake bellowed "Oh shit," with a disgusted look on his face as he attempted to wipe the kiss off his mouth. Naturally, this inspired the subtle souls of Twitter to scream "Ewwwww!!" because how DARE an older woman kiss a younger man? FYI, older people are never allowed to kiss someone in their 20s—unless they're every Hollywood leading man ever. Regardless, Drake sent out his street team of unreliable sources to explain his douchey actions to TMZ. "Sources close to Drake tell TMZ he loved the kiss," the website lied. "Drake was not banking on a transfer of the glossy [lipstick] and that's why he blanched." Umm-hmmm. Why is it that Drake's lies smell exactly like Axe body spray? MEANWHILE... Poor l'il douchebag Justin Bieber missed the Drake/Madonna smooch-a-thon—because he was busy getting thrown out of Coachella in a chokehold. Biebs was apparently trying to muscle himself backstage, when security informed him they were at capacity. Eventually growing tired of Bieber's incessant whining, security allegedly put the young turd in a chokehold and kicked his skinny ass out of the sovereign state of Douchelvania (Coachella). Hey, Justin! Don't forget your headdress!
TUESDAY, APRIL 14
Oh, no! A video racing around the internet today reportedly shows R&B starlet Rihanna snorting the devil's cocaine! A celebrity? Doing cocaine? WHY WE NEVER. (Of course we have. Wink!) The video documents what appears to be a tour bus party starring RiRi's dancing friends and the hostess holding what appears to be a straw. (The devil's cocaine straw??) The camera cuts away but returns to show Rihanna pinching and rubbing her nose. (The devil's pinch and nose rub??) Naturally everyone assumed the worst, and voiced their opinions on every conceivable social media platform, which made Rihanna go off on some b-witches like a nuclear bomb. "Ni**a your lame ass got some fucking nerve!!!" Rihanna screamed on Instagram to her accusers. "Any fool can see that's a joint that I'm basing with cigarette! Who tF snorts tobacco?? FOH witcho 'never been to a rodeo so someone squeezing their nose means they're doing coke' lookin ass!!" Note to readers: If you ever get arrested on a trumped-up coke charge, hire Rihanna (AKA the internet's very own Atticus Finch).
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15
Perhaps inspired by the hyperbolic vitriol of Rihanna, One Day at a Time's classic character Britney Spears took a rude audience member to task during her Piece of Me show last night in Las Vegas. In a video from TMZ, a douchebag in the audience (did we see him at Coachella?) is heard calling the singer a "fat bitch" inspiring Brit to correctly inform him that he's a "fucking asshole"—with her mic on at full volume. What does this prove? One, that Coachella douches are everywhere, and two, Britney does a lot less lip synching than we thought!
THURSDAY, APRIL 16
Uggggggghhhh... Gwyneth Paltrow: She ruins even the worthiest of causes. This week Gwynnie took a New York Food Bank challenge to see if she could live on a food stamp budget of $29 for one week—which 47 million Americans exist on every day of their lives. At first she seemed excited, tweeting out pics of various veggies, rice, and eggs she bought for $29 at the store. [Or rather, her beleaguered assistant bought.] SO. How did she do? About how you'd expect. People magazine spotted her this week dining "at LA restaurant Animal, which featured a menu of pig ears, veal tongue, and fried rabbit legs." Gwynnie later admitted she gave up the challenge after four days, noting, "how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious foods [mmm... like veal tongue?] on that budget," adding that her lack of effort probably earned her a "C minus." Gwyneth, dear. A "C minus" is a passing grade. There's no grade low enough to signify the depth of your failure.
FRIDAY, APRIL 17
THIS JUST IN, DEARS: The Rock eats more than 800 pounds of cod every year. Fast & Furious star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's diet was recently published in Muscle & Fitness (the article, of course, was called "Smell What the Rock Is Cooking"), listing the ingredients of the seven meals he eats every day. Those meals range from the relatively "Okay, that sounds filling" "Meal 3" (8 ounces chicken, 2 cups white rice, 1 cup veggies) to the moderately disgusting "Meal 7" (30 grams casein protein, 10 egg-white omelet, 1 cup veggies, 1 tablespoon omega-3 fish oil), to the horrifying "Meal 1" (10 ounces cod, 2 whole eggs, 2 cups oatmeal). (Oh! And snacks, like "60 grams Optimum Nutrition's Platinum Hydro Whey with 15 grams of glutamine" and "32 ounces of Gatorade.") Doing the math, FiveThirtyEight's Walt Hickey figured Johnson eats "821 pounds of cod per year," and that while the "average American man in his forties consumes 2,734 calories daily... Johnson eats roughly 1,000 calories a day in cod alone." Wow. Gross. Also, should we worry about the Rock making cod go extinct? BUT HOLD ON! Now seems as good a time as any to remember back to 2013, when the Rock missed the premiere of Pain & Gain because, during an appearance at WrestleMania 29, his abs fell off his bones. "Saw my Dr," the Rock tweeted back then, "who had to push my intestines back thru the tear in my abdomen. Kinda romantic. Surgery is next week. #BringItOn." Wow. GROSS. We appreciate sustainable food sources as much as anybody, buuuuut... if depleting the Earth's population of cod is what it takes to keep the Rock healthy, strong, and not tweeting about his intestines leaking out because his muscles got so giant they tried to escape his skeleton? Well, a cod extinction feels like a pretty reasonable price to pay. RIP, cod.
SATURDAY, APRIL 18
"Dropped off at 42nd street in New York City and left my bag in the cab!" tweeted Channing Tatum this morning at 8:45 am. MEANWHILE... "A group of Nevada sex workers have come out in favor of Democratic contender Hillary Clinton," the Daily Mail reports. "The group, calling themselves Hookers for Hillary, all work at Dennis Hof's infamous Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City. The legal brothel, which was the subject of HBO's Cathouse series, has drafted a four-point platform explaining their endorsement," citing Clinton's stances on health care, tax reform, public health, and foreign relations, while also examining how Clinton's policies will affect their own livelihoods. (Go ahead—try to argue when the Hookers for Hillary write, "A return to relying on the disproven theory of trickle-down economics would only serve to exclude the vast majority of hard-working Bunny Ranch clients from having the discretionary income to enjoy with their favorite Bunny.") Clinton has yet to formally acknowledge the endorsement, but here's hoping she picks the Bunnies to serve as her vice presidents. MEANWHILE... "Seriously, left my black backpack in a cab near NYC's 42nd street," Channing Tatum tweeted this morning, shortly after 9 am. "If you find it, email me at email@example.com. Thanks!" (Channing! Check your email, dear! We didn't find your bag, but we did send a picture of something else we have for you.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 19
"When street enforcement goes bad, police unions historically close ranks around suspect officers," Al Baker wrote in Friday's New York Times. "But amid a rising tide of anger and resentment directed at the police and, perhaps more important, vivid video documentation debunking or calling into question the accounts of officers, police union officials around the country are rethinking how best to get their message out." Baker's story—which examined how officers are struggling to address a series of racist shootings—found, unsurprisingly, that America's police have a real PR problem. "It is important for unions to become honestly self-critical about police conduct and not blindly defend each and every egregious incident," said Samuel Weller, a criminal justice professor at the University of Nebraska Omaha. Alternately, there's something else police could do to curb all that negative publicity: Maybe stop brutally shooting unarmed black men? Just an idea! Might be worth a try? Who knows? It might even work!