BRUCE JENNER American hero.

MONDAY, APRIL 20

Do you get a secret thrill from watching celebrity romances fail? Then you are a monster, you terrible garbage person! (And welcome to the "Terrible Monster Garbage Person Club." Here are the week's top Tinselturd romance misfires!) ITEM: Cat-eared yodeler Ariana Grande and rapper Big Sean have ended their eight-month relationship and "would like you to respect their wish for privacy." Well, Big Sean and l'il Miss Meow-Meow, we have no intention of doing so—especially after learning that Sean reportedly cooled the relationship after witnessing Franken-teen Justin Bieber rubbing his creepy little raccoon hands all over Ariana during a recent performance. At the time, Big Sean threatened to break Bieber in half... before quickly pulling the tweet and saying, "Hahaha JK JK, my publicist told me to pretend I was just JK-ing." However, according to TMZ, Sean thinks Ariana actually orchestrated the Bieber grope-a-thon, and was so embarrassed/pissed, he sent her back to the kitten pound (where she will never be adopted, because no one wants what Justin Bieber has touched). ITEM: Also recently alone and loveless? Buck-toothed hillperson Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger (heir to the Kindergarten Cop throne). According to People magazine, the pair split because they're supposedly in "two different places" (AKA her music career, and him pretending to go to college). But in reality it was probably more like Miley coming in like a wrecking ball, and going out like, "Yawwwwn! Ah'm just gon' stay home and drink me some corn likker while watchin' Duck Dynasty on the Netflix machine."

TUESDAY, APRIL 21

Today the internet squealed in frenzy after learning Netflix is producing a Full House reboot called Fuller House. (Let's all "boo" that name. BOOOOOO!!) You can expect Full House characters D.J. and Stephanie Tanner to return, as well as Kimmy Gibbler and John Stamos' hunky Uncle Jesse... but what about the real star of the show, Michelle Tanner (AKA Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen)? "We just found out about it today," a surprised and offended Mary-Kate said shortly after the announcement was made. "I'm shocked I haven't heard from John [Stamos]." Ouch! And GRRRRRR! It is an OUTRAGE that Mary-Kate and Ashley weren't invited to the new series—though maybe a bit understandable since they dress like Stevie Nicks chose their wardrobe from the Goodwill Bins.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22

One of the more embarrassing recent Sony Pictures email leaks involved Hollyweird hunk Ben Affleck and his attempts to make the world forget that one of his ancestors was... [dramatic sting and/or record scratch] a slave owner?! Ben had agreed to let the history detectives of the PBS show Finding Your Roots—kind of like Antiques Roadshow for genealogy—poke around his family tree. However, according to the Sony email, when they discovered one of Ben's great-great grandpappies was an owner of slaves, the actor panicked and successfully convinced them to cut that particular juicy piece of gossip from the aired version of the show. Unfortunately for him, the email leaked, forcing Affleck to issue a kinda-sorta public apology for his cover-up. "I regret my initial thoughts that the issue of slavery not be included in the story," Affleck, or one of his slaves (JUST KIDDING!), wrote on Facebook. "While I don't like that the guy is an ancestor, I am happy that aspect of our country's history is being talked about." We're glad to hear that, Ben! And while you're in the apologizing mood, where are your mea culpas for Daredevil and Gigli?

THURSDAY, APRIL 23

In other non-apology news, Netflix has released a statement basically saying if the Native Americans who felt insulted on the set of a racist Adam Sandler movie didn't want to be insulted, then they shouldn't have signed up for a racist Adam Sandler movie. Indian Country Today reported that several Native American actors working on Adam Sandler's new straight-to-Netflix-because-it's-so-terrible movie The Ridiculous Six walked off the set because the script was offensive to their community. "We were supposed to look Apache," said actor Loren Anthony, "we looked more like Comanche. [And] there was a female character called 'Beaver's Breath.' One character says, 'Hey, Beaver's Breath.' And the Native woman says, 'How did you know my name?'" In response to news of the walkout, Netflix released the following statement. "The movie has ridiculous in the title for a reason: because it is ridiculous. It is a broad satire of western movies and the stereotypes they popularized, featuring a diverse cast that is not only part of—but in on—the joke." Hear that, Native Americans? It's funny, because you're in on the joke! (Which is exactly what our ancestors said when we gave them syphilis blankets.)

FRIDAY, APRIL 24

Bruce Jenner—Olympic gold-medal winner, Playgirl cover model, and, as the New York Times once put it, "an ancillary but vivid participant in the bizarre public spectacle that is the Kardashian family"—sat down for an interview on 20/20 tonight, telling Diane Sawyer that, after a lifetime of dealing with gender dysphoria, "for all intents and purposes, I'm a woman." Jenner's news put a long-awaited spotlight on trans issues. "For the transgender people watching the Bruce Jenner interview and wondering whether the country is ready for greater acceptance, the outpouring of support on Twitter was encouraging," wrote the Advocate, citing tweets from Ellen DeGeneres ("Bruce Jenner is a beautiful, brave human being. Sending him lots of love. He's saving lives and opening minds tonight"), Oprah, Lady Gaga, Mike Tyson ("Way to go #BruceJennerABC for living your truth"), Russell Simmons, Margaret Cho ("I'm so proud of Bruce Jenner – now you see the true Olympian!"), George Takei ("Watching #BruceJenner come forward. Such courage, such humanity. It's so very nice to meet her"), JLo, and Garry Shandling, who might've summed it up best: "I think what Jenner is doing is as strong and courageous as winning the decathlon. Where's the confusion?"

SATURDAY, APRIL 25

A 7.9 magnitude earthquake struck Nepal today. It was the worst earthquake in Nepal in 80-plus years, and the death toll quickly rose to more than 4,349. Horrific images of devastation immediately came in from some of the hardest-hit areas—like the densely populated Kathmandu, home to one million, where buildings and towers collapsed as massive cracks split streets. Images also came in from camps on Mount Everest—many of which were wiped out by avalanches, ice sheets, and boulders. The worst might be yet to come: Once aid workers are able to access more remote areas, the death toll is expected to rise. "Many of the worst-hit villages in the ridges around Kathmandu remain a black hole, surrounded by landslides that make them inaccessible even to the country's armed forces," the New York Times reports. "Early reports suggest that those villages that were damaged were nearly obliterated." "Unicef said nearly one million children in Nepal were severely affected by the earthquake. It also warned of waterborne and infectious diseases," said the Guardian, adding, "Thousands of Nepalis have begun fleeing the capital Kathmandu in the wake of powerful aftershocks that have stoked fears of food and water shortages." Okay, dears: Before we get to Sunday and to start making fun of celebrities again, put down the Mercury for a sec and do your part. A reputable place to donate is oxfamamerica.org.

SUNDAY, APRIL 26

Annnd we're back! And we brought Mila Kunis' chicken! Or... maybe somebody else's chicken? Kunis is being sued by Kristina Karo, "a woman who claims to have been her best Ukrainian friend," according to TMZ. "Karo claims 25 years ago she was in first grade with Mila in the Ukraine and they were inseparable. But Kristina says Mila had chicken envy—specifically a chicken which answered to the name Doggie." And the plot thickens. "But one day Doggie disappeared," TMZ continues, "and Kristina says Mila confessed that she stole it." Kano is demanding Kunis pay $5,000 for psychological damages. In related news, we're demanding Kunis pay us $5,000 for having sat through Jupiter Ascending. (Or she could just have us over for some chicken salad.) MEANWHILE...there's no way Hubby Kip isn't going to drag us to Avengers: Age of Ultron this weekend—which would be fine if Chris Evans (who plays good ol' boy Captain America) and Jeremy Renner (who plays Legolas) weren't jackasses. In an Avengers junket interview, "Evans and Renner were asked about the fans' shipping of different character pairs from the franchise, specifically [pairing] Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow" with Renner and Evans' characters, according to Entertainment Weekly. "'She's a slut,' Renner said, which caused the two to burst out in laughter as Evans chimed in with 'a complete whore.'" AND... CUE INSTA-APOLOGY™! "Yesterday we were asked about the rumors that Black Widow wanted to be in a relationship with both Hawkeye and Captain America," Evans, who is a grown man, said. "We answered in a very juvenile way that rightfully angered some fans. I regret it and sincerely apologize." "I am sorry that this tasteless joke about a fictional character offended anyone," Renner added. "It was not meant to be serious in any way. Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour." Chris Hemsworth has yet to weigh in on the issue, presumably because he's too busy ignoring our texts asking for conditioner advice.