JOHN STAMOS Only a monster would call "bullshit" on the Olsen Twins.

MONDAY, APRIL 27

Life can be an arduous challenge, where one must continuously move forward, or fall backward into the darkness. But don't move too fast—especially on stairs—and don't do it while wearing flip-flops—like the unfortunate (and now UGLY) Brad Pitt. Named People's "Sexiest Man" in both 1995 and 2000, when Brad showed up for Saturday's Light Up the Blues concert in Hollyweird, his once beautiful face looked like it had been dragged for a quarter mile behind a particularly angry rhinoceros. What happened to turn the face of a demigod into a plate of old, raw hamburger meat? (And no, apparently it wasn't Angie... this time.) Here's the excuse he gave People magazine. "This is what happens when you try to run up steps in the dark, with your arms full, wearing flip-flops," said the now hideous Pitt. "Turns out if you then try to stop your forward momentum with your face, the result is road rash." Hmmm... well, that would be a totally believable excuse... if it weren't for one thing: Actors of Pitt's stature are not commoners. They do not "run," they do not "carry things" in "their arms" (they have assistants for that), and they most certainly, absolutely, never ever NEVER wear "flip-flops"! We'll let this one slide... but Angie? We're keeping our eye on you.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28

Following yesterday's funeral service of 25-year-old African American Freddie Gray—whose neck was broken while in police custody—riots broke out around Baltimore... largely due to the inability of the police bureau to learn from the mistakes of Ferguson, Missouri. Curfews and unrest followed, with at least 20 officers injured, 235 people arrested, and an untold amount of property damage as of April 28. The riots halted only when the six officers in question were brought up on charges, including second-degree murder. So! Who best to speak on behalf of Baltimore and its beleaguered citizens? Why Carson Daly (former MTV VJ and host of The Voice), and Donald Trump (billionaire and fucking ignoramus), of course! "Really sucks to see these lawless looters ruining the great city of @Baltimore," Carson said on his Twatter machine. "This isn't protest, this is a violent attack on your OWN city!" Weirdly, these words from a white game show host had almost no effect on those protesting the senseless and cruel murder of Freddie Gray. Meanwhile, here's what the always wise and levelheaded Donald Trump had to say on Twatter: "Our great African American President [We assume he's being sarcastic and racist here—Ann] hasn't exactly had a positive impact on the thugs [More sarcasm and racism!—Ann] who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!" Hmmm. How about this for an idea: Celebrities should not be allowed to use Twatter, unless they pass a special test and get a license for it. All in favor, say "Aye!" AYE!! Let it be written, let it be done.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29

In news that made a shocked Hubby Kip fall down a flight of stairs (shouldn't have been wearing flip-flops, idiot), former child star Hilary Duff is on Tinder! Most famous for her portrayal of the title character in Disney Channel's Lizzie McGuire (a show Hubby Kip is a little too fascinated by), Duff revealed in a radio interview that she was excited to re-enter the dating pool following her divorce from Canadian hockey player Mike Comrie, and that she was using the dating app Tinder. Duff also admitted she was looking forward to dating a "normie" (as opposed to a celebrity) and was turned on by good looks and a sense of humor—as opposed to shirtless selfie-taking douchebags. Best of luck to you, Hilary, and if you happen to come across a slightly overweight shirtless dude holding a replica of the Millennium Falcon and a bag of Cheetos, who's named "Kip," you know what to do. Swipe left.

THURSDAY, APRIL 30

OH NO! Uncle Jesse dropped the smackdown on l'il Michelle Tanner! As reported last week in One Day, actor John "Uncle Jesse—the One with a Mullet" Stamos announced that he's producing a Full House reboot on Netflix called Fuller House. (Nope, still hate the name!) While most of the original cast will make guest appearances, apparently someone forgot to tell Michelle Tanner (AKA the Gnome Twins, AKA Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen), who were both offended and huffy by the omission. How did Uncle Jesse/Stamos respond? In one succinct tweet. "I call bullshit," Stamos wrote... probably in reaction to the Olsens feeling left out? Or maybe he was commenting on the show's title, Fuller House. Who knows? Twatter is such a mystery!

FRIDAY, MAY 1

In their continuing quest to ruin everything, the Kardashians have found a new target: names. Yes, names. Your name? Possibly! "We've learned Kylie Jenner has filed an application last month to trademark her first name," TMZ reports, adding that her sis Kendall has done the same thing. Their scheme? That "Kylie" and "Kendall," in a certain font, would serve as a "wordmark"—which basically functions as a logo that, thanks to intellectual property laws, can only be used by certain parties. (And that, dears, is the very first time the words "intellectual" and "Kardashians" have been used in the same paragraph!) "Although someone might theoretically use the name 'Kylie' with a different font," TMZ continues, Jenner's lawyers "could swoop in and argue it creates confusion among consumers." Hmm... "confusion" might be the wrong word, there? Maybe "furious rage" would be a smidge better? MEANWHILE... The Duggar family—those overbreeding, sanctimonious stars of TLC's 19 Kids and Counting—just got busted for faking a scene where they gave food to a needy family. Last month at Springdale, Arkansas' Compassion Center, the Duggars appeared to be giving food to a hungry family—but not only was the family not in need of the Duggars' charity, once the cameras were off, the Duggars took back the box of food. WE'VE GOT A TV SHOW IDEA! Okay, so it's basically just The Hunger Games, but it's the Duggars and the Kardashians, and they're trapped on an island full of weapons. Oh, and instead of only one person being allowed to live? None of them are! Pretty good, right? TLC, we await your call.

SATURDAY, MAY 2

Miley Cyrus has posted pictures on Instagram of her armpit hair, which has been dyed pink. And if that's not today's most shocking fashion development, why, we'll—THIS JUST IN! Move aside, Miley Cyrus' armpit hair! There's another questionable fashion development to report! "A storm of controversy brewed over Katy Perry's sunflower dress in Taiwan this week," notes the Huffington Post. "The pop star wore a sparkling green dress adorned with sunflowers and a cape fashioned out of the Taiwan flag during her Prismatic World Tour performance at the Taipei Arena on Tuesday. Some took the ensemble as a poignant pro-Taiwan message." The story explains sunflowers "were the emblem of the Sunflower Student Movement, a protest by young people over a trade agreement with China. The students protested against the trade deal and demanded transparency from their own government." Given that Perry's dress—which features a giant sunflower blossom over each breast—has made appearances at other tour stops, we're going to go ahead and chalk up this bit of political commentary as wishful thinking. That's not a dig on Katy at all (no one, and we mean no one, can sing "California Gurls" better than she can, except maybe us after our fifth martini), but sometimes? Sometimes a sunflower dress is just a sunflower dress.

SUNDAY, MAY 3

"For the Republican Party, the presidential candidates keep coming," writes the New York Times, noting that in addition to Senators Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Rand Paul, three more candidates—Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, and Ben Carson—have joined the contest for the GOP's nomination. As for good candidates? Well, the GOP's still looking: Fiorina was forced to resign as CEO of Hewlett-Packard after running that company into the ground; Carson is a former neurosurgeon whose "unconventional" announcement of his candidacy "included his wife, Candy Carson, playing violin during the national anthem and a gospel choir preceding Mr. Carson onstage with a version of Eminem's 'Lose Yourself'"; and goofy ol' Huckabee has already tried, and failed, to secure the nomination. In other words, things are starting to look a lot like 2012—when a crowded field of Republican wannabes quarreled and whined and backstabbed for months before the party grudgingly settled for Mitt Romney, who promptly went on to lose. SO... Is it bad news for the GOP that their nomination process might as well be called 19 Kids and Counting? Totes—but maybe it's good news for you! Yes, you: No matter who you are, you probably have a better shot at running against Hillary Clinton than any of these morons. (We're happy to give campaign advice, dears, in exchange for an appointment as Gossip Czar.)