MIKE HUCKABEE "Don't trust gays, but give child molesters a shot!"

MONDAY, MAY 18

Okay folks, here's your weekly reminder that Gwyneth Paltrow is a regular person just like you. (That is, if you're a multimillionaire with your own lifestyle website encouraging poor people to purchase $185 cut-off jean shorts.) This week, GwynPal was interviewed by Women's Health magazine, and once again revealed just how gosh-darn relatable she is to common, plebeian gals like ourselves. For example, here's what she had to say about her daily beauty regimen: "I believe, as cheesy as it sounds, in exercise, laughing, having sex, being yourself." (Strangely, this advice directly contradicts the beauty regimen she suggests on her website Goop, which includes stuff normal people like you can purchase the next time you're visiting a pharmacy in France—like Thermal Spring Water facial spray, or Avibon wrinkle cream which is only $39 per tiny, tiny tube. But laughing and having sex can't hurt, apparently.) And while Gwyneth has strictly forbidden her former hubby Chris Martin and poorly named children Apple and Moses from ingesting any gluten, she apparently isn't as hard-nosed when it comes to other food staples... such as radioactive cherries. "My food philosophy is: Nothing should be ruled out," Gwyneth cheerily lied. "I don't believe in saying, 'You're not allowed that.' If my kids want a Shirley Temple with the radioactive cherry in it, go for it, you know?" (Cut to Gwyneth slapping the Shirley Temple out of her children's hands and filling their BPA-free sippy cups with leek and celery root soup.)

TUESDAY, MAY 19

Today in internet OUTRAGE!!: When not tweeting intricate details of a sandwich they had for lunch, Twatter users flew into a self-righteous fury today after witnessing a Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj video for their new song "Feeling Myself," in which Queen Bey is seemingly seen pouring a bottle of Armand de Brignac champagne—which retails anywhere from $300 to $20,000 per bottle—into her hot tub. Here's what one intrepid Twatterer named Charlotte had to say about Beyoncé's so-called extravagant waste: "Even just $1,000 could have completely changed someone's life, you know? Like a chance at college or maybe finally being able to eat lunch. [That's an expensive lunch!—Ann] So seeing Beyoncé pour out a $20,000 bottle into a pool is a slap in the face to me." What many are failing to realize, however, is there's this thing called acting. People often do it in music videos, and there's a very good chance a production assistant or someone replaced the contents of this Armand de Brignac bottle with... oh, we don't know... maybe WATER? But even in the worst-case scenario, that particular bottle of champagne probably only cost $300—which would frankly only buy lunches for a month, and college for exactly no amount of time whatsoever. So calm down, people! Because even Gwyneth Paltrow agrees. "It's perfectly normal to bathe in champagne," she said, adding, "...if you like that sort of thing. Personally, I prefer bathing in a 300-gallon mixture of peasant sweat and unicorn tears."

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20

Congrats to former Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis, who is now the proud owner of an arrest warrant for failing to pay his lawyer with two very fancy cars in exchange for legal assistance. After helping Francis sell property to pay off his $30 million gambling debts, the lawyer was reportedly owed a 2007 Cadillac Escalade and a 2012 Bentley Flying Spur—however, now Joe is claiming a Mexican strip club owner took the cars because of former GGW promotions that fell through. While the arrest warrant may ensure that Francis—who's allegedly hiding out in Puerto Vallarta—never returns to the States... hey! Joe Francis may never return to the States! Buenas noches, asshole.

THURSDAY, MAY 21

Well, this is disturbingly gross: Josh Duggar, the oldest son featured on the terrible TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting allegedly molested underage girls, including certain sisters. According to a police report obtained by In Touch magazine, Josh was accused twice of fondling and groping five girls starting in 2002—though father Jim Bob Duggar did not immediately go to police, instead deciding to send his son to a "treatment program." (In actuality, this "treatment program" turned out to be performing manual labor with a guy who was remodeling a building. All together now... OMIGOD.) When Jim Bob finally did report the crime to police, they chose not to press charges, deciding instead to try "scaring him straight." Now 27 years old, Josh will not be charged due to the lapsed statute of limitations. In their public non-apology, the Duggars wrote that the entire sick experience has "brought them closer to God"—but trust us when we say this: If God exists, he wants nothing to do with disgusting hypocrites like this.

FRIDAY, MAY 22

Oh, and what's this? Republican presidential wannabe Mike Huckabee was quick to show his deep concern for Duggar's victims—wait, no. We're sorry. We got that wrong! He's worried about the Duggars. Huckabee promptly jumped onto Facebook to say that he and his wife "want to affirm our support for the Duggar family. Josh's actions when he was an underage teen are as he described them himself, 'inexcusable,' but that doesn't mean 'unforgivable.'" IN RELATED NEWS... Who'd have guessed the words "19 kids and counting" would ever sound so ominous?

SATURDAY, MAY 23

Today in "Hey, this'll restore your faith in humanity!": "Ireland became the first nation to approve same-sex marriage by a popular vote, sweeping aside the opposition of the Roman Catholic Church in a resounding victory Saturday for the gay rights movement," the New York Times reports. Dears, this is the best thing to come out of Ireland since Jameson. Speaking of which—how about we take a quick celebratory drink? (Before Beyoncé pours it all into her hot tub.)

SUNDAY, MAY 24

*coughs* *slams down shot glass* *goes back to sipping martini* For years, we've been giving Hollyweird a hard time—and god knows they deserve it! But given how things are in Portland, even Los Angeles is starting to look pretty good. As Portland transforms from being a city for the working class and creatives into an upscale playground for developers and the rich, there've been key moments when the city changed—and one was when Uber forced its way into town. While the bro-y transportation company used to be famous for tracking customers' trips and threatening journalists, now they're under fire for discrimination—specifically, systemic violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). "In three ADA-related cases over the past eight months, in California, Texas, and Arizona, Uber has been slammed with lawsuits that allege the company discriminates against the blind and wheelchair-using passengers," reports the Daily Beast, which details how Uber drivers frequently treat disabled passengers like second-class citizens—when they aren't refusing to serve them. Now brace yourselves, dears, for the $50 billion company's explanation of why it's totes okay for their drivers to violate people's civil rights! "Uber claims that because it's a technology company, not a transportation service, it doesn't fall under the ADA's jurisdiction." Ha! Also: Grrr. Also: Don't give Uber your money. They don't need any more encouragement to treat people—and civil rights—like garbage. MEANWHILE... Unlike an Uber driver, dears, we'd never leave you in a worse mood than when we picked you up. So let's end this week with the inspiring story of Katy Perry, who doesn't have time for bullshit—especially Russell Brand's bullshit. In an interview with the Daily Telegraph, Perry revealed she hasn't spoken to her ex-husband Brand since, in 2011, he texted her to tell her they were getting divorced. "I still have the cat," Perry said, revealing she kept the most important thing from the marriage. "But I've changed her name to Monkey." Let us all follow Katy's example: From here to eternity, let us all pretend that Russell Brand simply doesn't exist. Together, we can make this world a better place. (But don't rename your cat "Monkey." That's just stupid.)