THE DUGGARS "We're the real victims here! WHINE!!"

MONDAY, JUNE 1

Let's start this week off with a heroic, uplifting story! (Which unfortunately is probably a first for One Day at a Time.) As reported last week, Caitlyn Jenner—formerly Bruce Jenner—was featured in a Vanity Fair cover story by Friday Night Lights author Buzz Bissinger, who was with Caitlyn during her transition. Bissinger talked to ABC News about the story, and the trauma Caitlyn endured before and immediately following her operation. "When I started this story in February," Bissinger said. "[Bruce was] completely isolated. Completely alone. It was almost painful to be with him. He couldn't go anywhere." But even after the surgery, Jenner admitted to suffering from a post-op panic attack. "She was scared to death," Bissinger remembers. "She was in a lot of pain... and began to pace up and down the hallways saying, 'What have I done to myself? I've waited 65 years, but what if this isn't the right decision,' which occasionally can happen." However, after seeing her counselor, Jenner realized she'd made the right (and only) choice. "I'm free, I'm free," an elated Jenner told Bissinger after her transition was complete. "After 65 years, I'm free."

TUESDAY, JUNE 2

And while Caitlyn Jenner has been receiving tons of love and support from across the globe—and will be receiving the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs on July 15—there are still small-minded people who can't help but expose their small-minded stupidity by opening their stupid mouths. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present Mike Huckabee. The presidential wannabe responded to Caitlyn's announcement by automatically assuming that the only reason anyone would consider transitioning would be to spy on the opposite sex in gym showers. "Now I wish someone told me that, when I was in high school, I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE," said fucking blithering idiot Huckabee. "I'm pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, 'Coach, I think I'd rather shower with the girls today.'" If there's anything worse than an ignorant Republican, it's an ignorant Republican pervert. MEANWHILE... Beloved Daily Show host Jon Stewart had some choice words for the media organizations who continue to obsess over Caitlyn Jenner's looks rather than the bravery it took to reclaim her body. "It's really heartening to see that everyone is willing to not only accept Caitlyn Jenner as a woman, but to waste no time in treating her like a woman," Stewart quipped. "You see, Caitlyn, when you were a man we could talk about your athleticism, your business acumen," he continued. "Now you're a woman, and your looks are the only thing we care about. Which brings us to phase two of your transition: your 'comparative fuckability.'" (Dear Science: Please come up with an invention that replaces Mike Huckabee with Jon Stewart in every conceivable situation.)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3

In a shocking turn of events, R&B singer/batterer Chris Brown was spotted acting like a dick. According to Us Weekly, the singer was recently smoking pot on a private jet when the flight attendant informed him he was violating FAA regulations. The story's source claims, "[Chris] blew smoke at a flight attendant and said, 'I paid $60,000 for this jet, so I own it and everyone inside.'" Later, before the plane landed, the source claims Chris lit up again while saying to a female attendant, "What is your old ass doing here anyway? I like to have the help be people I'd actually like to fuck." It should be noted that Chris denies this story, because he would never, ever do or say anything terrible like that, now would he?

THURSDAY, JUNE 4

In a failed attempt to extricate themselves from their current PR nightmare, Christian reality TV stars Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar agreed to a Fox News interview with Megyn Kelly to justify why their son Josh Duggar molested at least five young girls (including sisters Jill and Jessa). Weirdly, instead of digging themselves out, their pit got even deeper thanks to jaw-dropping quotes, such as this one, which conveniently blames the media for their woes. "There's an agenda," Michelle-the-victim whined. "There are people who are purposing to bring things out and twisting them to hurt and slander." Later she added, "[My molested daughters] have been victimized more by what happened in these last couple of weeks than they were 12 years ago." WOW. (We'd like to mention that, if it weren't for the expired statute of limitations, the Duggar parents would be facing six years in prison each—but god forbid we "victimize" them any further.)

FRIDAY, JUNE 5

Move over, Chris Brown! Turns out another awful celeb is making life miserable for other unfortunate people stuck in a locked metal tube with no way to escape. This weekend it was model Kate Moss, who "had to be escorted off a flight by police officers at London Louton Airport" after her "disruptive behavior" on a budget easyJet flight, according to Yahoo. The Daily Mail has deets on what that behavior entailed: getting thirsty and pulling vodka out of her luggage, playing with the hair of a little girl who sat near her, and, last but not least, calling the plane's pilot a "basic bitch." Now, normally, we'd say that's totally out of line—but tbh, we've been known to fill our Issey Miyake carry-on with vodka, too. Or at least we did before those bumbling TSA idiots ruined everything! There's a reason we stopped flying, dears.

SATURDAY, JUNE 6

Oof. Today's infuriating incident of white police officers brutalizing those they're supposed to serve and protect occurred in McKinney, Texas, where police were called to a community pool after a group of black teenagers attended a pool party. "I think a bunch of white parents were angry that a bunch of black kids who don't live in the neighborhood were in the pool," 15-year-old Brandon Brooks told BuzzFeed News. When some of those adults told the teens to leave—and made racist comments about them going back to "Section 8 [public] housing"—a fight broke out. McKinney police responded in force, with no fewer than 12 officers surrounding the pool and chasing down teens. One of those police officers, Eric Casebolt, took particular relish in the task—as BuzzFeed reported, and as video shot by Brooks showed, he was "aggressively handcuffing and detaining teens who described themselves as bystanders," before he grabbed and threw 15-year-old Dajerria Becton to the ground, pulled her braids as he shouted at her, knelt with both knees on her back, and whipped out his gun to brandish at teens who tried to help her. "Everyone who was getting put on the ground was black, Mexican, Arabic," Brooks, who is white, told BuzzFeed, explaining how he was able to record the incident—and why, unlike so many other teens, was neither handcuffed nor detained. "[The cop] didn't even look at me. It was kind of like I was invisible." IN RELATED NEWS... McKinney Police have put Casebolt on administrative leave. That's not nearly enough.

SUNDAY, JUNE 7

Never forget that even the best and proudest among us—say, Tom Hanks—have horrible, hideous skeletons in their walk-in closets. In Hanks' closet? Well, that'd be Chester Hanks, AKA "Chet Haze," AKA "Tom Hanks' son who mistakenly thinks he's a rapper." Good ol' Chet has been annoying everyone who knows him for each of his 24 years—and this time, it was no different at a VIP lounge in a London club. "He was pretty obnoxious once he started drinking," a source tells the Mirror. "He kept saying, 'Do you know who I am?' Nobody was all that impressed, and that was clearly annoying him. Nobody recognized him." And the saga continues. "He then went back to the hotel with a British actor friend and three female promoters," the source adds. "He was sick in the car park and then went up to the hotel room... he asked the girls if they would join him in the bed, but they are not like that. So he started screaming and making a right noise." And the saga continues. "He saw some sprinkled makeup called banana powder and started asking, 'Who's got the coke?' But nobody did drugs there." And the saga—actually, let's just fast-forward: Chet Haze trashed the hotel room, causing £1,200 in damage before disappearing like some kind of awful magician who tries to rap and never stops shouting, "Do you know who I am?" No, Chet Haze. No one knows who you are. Even your dad says he doesn't know who you are. (And he's a really good actor, so we almost believe him.)