MILEY CYRUS "Why, I done died an' gone to HOG HEAVEN! Yeeee-haw!"

MONDAY, JUNE 8

On the cover of the most recent Paper magazine, Miley Cyrus is pictured nude... covered with mud... with her arms wrapped around a pig. We are struggling with this. On one hand it could be seen as a searing "fuck you" to all those haters who for years have pigeonholed Miley as merely a buck-toothed hillbilly (yes, you may glare directly at us). On the other hand, she's nude! Covered with mud! WITH HER ARMS AROUND A PIG. What is one supposed to think? (It should be noted the pig looks happy with his predicament... though his joy may be Photoshopped.) Then we turn inside to Miley's interview, and it becomes apparent that hugging a pig might be a completely natural reaction to finally escaping the Disney/Hannah Montana machine, and coming into her own as a bisexual/genderqueer artist. Oh, did we not mention that? Here's her quote to Paper: "I don't relate to being boy or girl," Miley said, adding, "I remember telling [my mother at age 14] I admire women in a different way. And she asked me what that meant. And I said, I love them. I love them like I love boys. She didn't want me to be judged or go to hell—but she believes in me more than she believes in any god." Attention, world: We are now firmly on "Team Miley." (So pass the pig—we're taking off our clothes.)

TUESDAY, JUNE 9

Yesterday was Kanye West's 38th birthday—though he celebrated it pretty much like anyone would. Wifey Kim Kardashian invited a few of his friends to play basketball... at LA'S STAPLES CENTER?! According to TMZ, Kim rented the entire coliseum (allegedly for $110,000)—as well as NBA referees, announcers, and Lakers cheerleaders while providing uniforms for Kanye's pickup game, which included NBA superstars Russell Westbrook and John Wall as well as musical pals Tyga, Justin Bieber, Pusha T, and 2 Chainz. Oh, and she also hired John Legend to sing the national anthem. Apparently they all had fun. Oh, and then Kanye returned home to find Kim hired a construction crew to build a 7,000 square foot basketball complex in their backyard. Soooooooo... like we said, pretty much a normal birthday. (Bet his cake tasted like shit!) MEANWHILE... Everybody relax, actor Chris Pratt's penis works just fine. The world flew into a panic last week following Chris' interview in Men's Health UK, in which he reported suffering from "impotence" when he was overweight. As it turns out, Chris doesn't exactly know what "impotence" means. He thought it meant a somewhat lower sex drive, rather than a complete lack of boners. Chris actually has plenty of boners, and regrets the misunderstanding. Let us now turn our attention back to more pressing matters, such as deciding what line we're going to stand in for brunch this weekend.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10

We now have an explanation for last week's disastrous encounter between anger monster Chris Brown and his on-again, off-again gal pal Karrueche Tran. As you may have heard, Chris bought a table next to Karrueche at the Playhouse nightclub—but because she's still kind of sore about him impregnating model Nia Gonzalez, she flew into a rage, storming out of the club and leaving Chris holding his crotch... which Chris is inclined to do anyway. So what happened? Sources tell gabby gossiper Perez Hilton that Chris' friends told him Karrueche was willing to "talk things through" with the singer, which apparently was not the case—like, at all—thereby causing both the blowup and Chris standing there looking like an asshole. In conclusion... thanks, Chris' friends! Keep up the good work. (Man, supporting that Kickstarter to furnish Chris with mean, treacherous friends was the best money we've ever spent.)

THURSDAY, JUNE 11

Behold, further proof—as if you needed it—that Gwyneth Paltrow is a controlling monster. According to Radar Online, Gwynnie has planned her family's weeklong vacation in Hawaii... which sounds great, except she's forcing boyfriend Brad Falchuk to come along, as well as ex-hubby Chris Martin, AND his current gal pal, Jennifer Lawrence. Why? Because according to an inside source, "Gwyneth recognizes it's time for Jen to meet the whole family, and wants Chris to be there for Brad's first proper bonding experience with the children." In other words, no one really has any choice in the matter. "Poor Jen is dreading it," added the source. "Chris is still spellbound by Gwyneth and her rules, so he's insisting on it." Jennifer, a word of advice: Take a page out of ex-Scientologist Katie Holmes' book and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

FRIDAY, JUNE 12

Important update, dears! As you no doubt know, for the past several years, our go-to rich people to despise, loathe, and sneer at (besides Gywneth Paltrow) have been investment bankers. But as a crippling drought digs its dry claws into America, we turn our scorn elsewhere... to the affluent, oblivious residents of the Rancho Santa Fe neighborhood of San Diego, where the median income is just shy of $200,000—and where the residents are not taking kindly to state-imposed water restrictions. "No, we're not all equal when it comes to water," Rancho Santa Fe resident Steve Yuhas told the Washington Post, perhaps explaining why, after Governor Jerry Brown called for a 25 percent reduction in all Californians' water use, Rancho Santa Fe's use actually went up by nine percent. "When we bought, we didn't plan on getting a place that looks like we're living in an African savanna," blustered Yuhas, while Brett Barbre, of Yorba City, chimed in to add that any kind of water rationing amounted to "a war on suburbia." "It angers me that people aren't looking at the overall picture," said hilariously clueless interior designer Gay Butler—who, incredibly, was riding her show horse when the Post reporter found her. (And who, incredibly, is really named "Gay Butler.") "What are we supposed to do?" Gay Butler incredulously asked. "Just have dirt around our house on four acres?" MEANWHILE... In less infuriating news, Miss Piggy has joined Anita Hill, Sandra Day O'Connor, and Toni Morrison as a recipient of the Elizabeth A. Sackler Center for Feminist Art's First Award. "Moi is a feminist!" Miss Piggy said afterward on MSNBC, as Gloria Steinem sat next to her. When asked when she was pro-choice, Miss Piggy answered, "I am pro—I am pro-everything." (Good for you, Miss Piggy! Maybe you can get Sam the Eagle to stop protesting Planned Parenthoods?) And when asked "Why not Ms. Piggy?", our new hero had a very pragmatic answer. "I've spent so much money," she replied, "marketing myself as Miss Piggy."

SATURDAY, JULY 13

"She's clearly our birth daughter, and we're clearly Caucasian—that's just a fact," said Lawrence A. Dolezal in an interview yesterday. He was responding to questions about his daughter, Rachel A. Dolezal—who—wait for it—is the president of Spokane, Washington's chapter of the N.A.A.C.P., in addition to being an instructor in African American studies at Eastern Washington University and serving on a ombudsman committee for the Spokane police, where, when applying for the spot, she claimed to be white, black, and Native American. "Blacks and liberals accused Ms. Dolezal of an offensive impersonation, part of a long history in which whites appropriated black heritage when it suited them," the New York Times reported. "But many conservative commentators accused liberals of hypocrisy for accepting Caitlyn Jenner as a woman, but not Ms. Dolezal as black." It was probably Portland comedian Curtis Cook (@Curtis_Cook), though, who summed up the whole mess the best when he tweeted, "The Pacific Northwest: where even Black leaders are white people."

SUNDAY, JUNE 14

"I am a candidate for president of the United States," Jeb Bush proclaimed at a rally at Miami Dade College, where he joined the ridiculously crowded field of GOP wannabes. Most of them, though, don't have Bush's dynastic pedigree—even if Jeb, whose campaign logo is just a cheery "Jeb!", seems intent on making people forget his last name. Whether they will—and whether they'll forget the not-so-great presidency of his father, or the catastrophic shitshow of a clusterfuck that was his brother's—well... that's another matter. MEANWHILE... While Jeb!'s announcement went swimmingly, someone else is having a bit of trouble on the campaign trail. Earlier this week, "just one Iowan showed up" at Rick Santorum's campaign stop at a restaurant in Hamlin, Iowa. "We didn't have a lot of notice that he was going to be there," explained the one attendee, Peggy Toft, an insurance agent who chairs the county's Republican Party. Alas, even Toft—who, thanks to being the only person there, got a 10-minute one-on-one chat with Santorum—was only "leaning" toward voting for him. ("I feel like I have to get all of the facts," she told Politico.) To be fair, after a little while, the rally did pick up some steam. "Eventually, there were four Iowans gathered at Santorum's table," Politico notes, "where the 2016 hopeful lunched on a breaded tenderloin with a side of onion rings."