MONDAY, AUGUST 10 Certainly you've heard the expression, "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king"? Today we slightly modify that adage: "In the land of slow gossip days, Jon & Kate Plus Eight are king... and divorced queen... and emotionally traumatized little princes and princesses." Abrasive breeder Kate Gosselin appeared on NBC's Today show, and while the producers claim she was a perfect angel, the folks behind the scenes had a different opinion. "She was a total bitch," said one longtime NBC staffer, who added, "We get virtually all the world's biggest egos coming through here, but Kate was one of the most unpleasant." And while Kate shed tears while describing her post-marital woes to NBC's Meredith Vieira, following her performance Kate was overheard shit-talking the host and "swearing like a drunken sailor as she stormed out." Sorry that you missed the main event, NBC staffers, but she was just getting warmed up! Later on, Kate was spotted outside the gate of their former house, screaming at the top of her lungs for ex-hubby Jon Gosselin to come out and get the ass whipping he deserved. Apparently Kate was upset with Jon's choice of babysitter that day—the same babysitter he allegedly slept with—and raised so much holy hell that the police were called to shoo her away. But really, Kate! You should take it easy on Jon. After all, he's probably suffering just as much as... hold on. This just in... Jon Gosselin has been hired by the MGM Grand to host their next Las Vegas pool party. Hmmm... well, at least he's got the babysitter lined up, right?

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11 Notice: We are not "fat shaming" anyone here, okay? But even Kelly Clarkson agrees that she's no waif, and in addition, happily admits she's perfectly satisfied with her new sexy-plus size. However, Self magazine isn't so satisfied. On the cover of their September issue, Self Photoshopped maybe 50 to 100 pounds off poor Kelly—but don't worry, everybody! No ethical dilemma here! Self's editors explain their rampant Photoshopping actually "inspires women" to "be their best!" Says Self's Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger, "Portraits like the one we take each month for the cover of Self are not supposed to be unedited or a true-to-life snapshot.... Did we alter [Kelly's] appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think all photos are that." Wait... what? Just to be clear, these weren't minor changes—such as erasing crow's feet or covering up a zit—this was lopping off over a quarter of Clarkson's entire body. However, we do applaud Danziger's loping, twisted argument for its sheer audacity, and if O.J. Simpson is ever looking for another defense attorney? Danziger's his gal!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12 "TMI" Headline of the Week: "Heidi Pratt Claims to Have Had '20-30' Orgasms in a Single Day." Brrrr... did you hear that? It's the sound of CRAWLING FLESH. In September's issue of Playboy (the magazine for mentally arrested geriatrics), Heidi is interviewed by her flesh-bearded new hubby Spencer Pratt about... gag... "sex." Here's what she had to say about sex before she met Spenny: "I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm... to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. I feel sorry for couples who aren't as sexually satisfied as we are." Oh, we feel sorry for them, too, Heidi. That's why we'd like to say CONGRATULATIONS! That's right, congratulations on somehow overcoming the mind-numbing grossness of yourself and your slimeball hubby to achieve something that you perversely believe is erotic satisfaction. And while we have never personally experienced "20 or 30 orgasms" in a day, our Hubby Kip has—and on multiple occasions. (This is unverifiable, however, since he tends to lock the bathroom door.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13 Today in "unbelievably dreamy George Clooney" news: Georgie has upped his unbelievably dreamy quotient yet again by racing to rescue the virtue of a 13-year-old girl. While attempting to snap photos of George and his gorgeous latest flame Elisabetta Canalis (we hate her), a member of the Italian paparazzi climbed a tree and snapped a topless picture of Clooney's friend's 13-year-old daughter as she was changing in a guest room. OH, HELL NO is right! Now George is slapping a giant lawsuit on the pap and the magazines that published the photo. "I don't know about the law in the United States," said Clooney, who actually does know about the law in the United States, yet often feigns a charming naiveté about such things, "but in Italy, it's illegal for photographers to climb over my wall and to take long-lens pictures of a 13-year-old girl in her bedroom. I draw the line of privacy at that." (Dear George: Would you also draw the line at annoying hubbies who like to take unflattering photos of our lady lumps to post on his Facebook page? Because we need rescuing, too.)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14 Alas, not all celebs can be unbelievably dreamy—as one doddering troubadour is more than happy to prove! "Bob Dylan was detained by police in Long Branch, New Jersey, last month, when a young officer failed to recognize him," ABC News reports, noting that when some Jersey homeowners saw an "eccentric-looking old man" wandering around in their yard in the pouring rain, they called the police. Officer Kristie Buble—who's 24 years old, and has the most adorable name ever—responded to the call. "I asked him what his name was and he said, 'Bob Dylan,'" Buble said. "Now, I've seen pictures of Bob Dylan from a long time ago and he didn't look like Bob Dylan to me at all. He was wearing black sweatpants tucked into black rain boots, and two raincoats with the hood pulled down over his head." Buble decided to humor the crazy old coot. "So I said, 'Okay Bob, what are you doing in Long Branch?' He said he was touring the country with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp. So now I'm really a little fishy about his story," Buble continued. "We see a lot of people on our beat, and I wasn't sure if he came from one of our hospitals or something." After driving the rambling bluehair to where he claimed he was doing a show, Buble discovered he was, in fact, Dylan—at which point he was released, once again free to terrorize suburb dwellers.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15 Eric Dane—better known as "Dr. McSteamy" on Grey's Anatomy—has a sex tape! And it costars his semi-famous wife, Rebecca Gayheart, as well as "beauty-queen-turned-Hollywood-madam Kari Ann Peniche." ("Peniche"? C'mon, Kari Ann. Tacky!) The footage features Dane, Gayheart, and Peniche (ha!) lounging around naked in bed and in a Jacuzzi, giving us all an inside look at what it's like to halfheartedly host a ménage-à-trois. (As if we needed a reminder.) Most disturbingly, the trio doesn't even have sex, as pointed out by Gayheart and Dane's huffy lawyer, Marty Singer. "From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape," Singer grumbled when he called "At most, it's three people maybe wanting to have sex." Which is what bewilders us—why play doctor with Dr. McSteamy if you aren't going to do anything?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16 God, these naked celebrities will not stop. Earlier this week, it was discovered that Channing Tatum, the star of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, got his start as a male stripper. Calling himself "Chan Crawford," Tatum worked as a dancer at a Florida nightclub owned by a man named (wait for it...) London Steele. "He was shy at first, but he really knew how to work the stage," Steele spilled to Us about Tatum's act—in which he often stripped down to a thong, writhed onstage, and dry humped women in the audience. "The women went crazy for him!" Thank you for your intel, Mr. Steele. Now, obvious jokes about cobras aside, if you can just hire someone who we might actually want to see naked—say, perhaps, a man who bravely fights the Italian paparazzi?—we've got a Chanel tote that's crammed full of singles.