DEARS: Well, we FINALLY tricked Hubby Kip into FINALLY taking us on a vacation—and no, we're not telling you where we are, and no, we're not checking our email, and no, not even the Mercury can text us, and no, we don't feel bad about any of this even one... little... bit. While we're relaxing by throwing back even more martinis than usual, we leave One Day at a Time—and you—in the capable hands of a dear friend: Courtenay Hameister, one of Portland's finest essayists and a producer at Live Wire. See you in a few weeks, dears! MWAH!—Ann (Oh, and confidential to "CH." Don't screw this up, or there'll be hell to pay.)
MONDAY, JULY 6
Today we awakened, as a country, hung over from blowing shit up and drinking to forget. What we wanted to forget, of course, was the news that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are becoming consciously uncoupled. Or whatever that term is. But we can't forget, can we, because People won't let us. The magazine published photos of Bennifer in the Bahamas on what has become de rigueur for the Hollywood elite: the pensive, awkward, and wildly expensive divorce vacation, or "divorcation." In a divorcation tradition that helps us all move out of the "denial" stage of grief, People published exclusive photos of what we assume was one of many awkward conversations: Ben, in a bummer of a white golf shirt, sits next to Jen on the beach as they stare out into the distance. Onlookers claimed they looked "distracted," and one said he heard a conversational snippet that could've either been "Sorry for all the cheating" or "Barley and Carl are tweeting." In a pathetic attempt to console us, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis announced their marriage the same day. The world simply shook its collective head, laughed ironically and kicked a can down the street. Ashla? Milton? It'll never work.
TUESDAY, JULY 7
And we're still in Bummertown: Today, more news about "America's Favorite Dad Who Probably Raped a Bunch of Women" was released. Turns out that in a 2005 deposition, Bill Cosby admitted to purchasing Quaaludes with the intent to give them to young women he wanted to have sex with. WHAT? YOU MEAN IT'S POSSIBLE THAT HE ACTUALLY DID THIS THING? But only (approximately) two dozen women have come forward! I assumed they were all in some sort of Lindsay-Wagner-esque lesbionic conspiracy to get his money, since women don't like to work because of their monthly lady times! Does this mean we should actually believe women when they say stuff that SOUNDS COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE, instead of grasping pathetically to an ideal because it means we won't be able to look at that picture of ourselves in that "someone-ate-Fruity-Pebbles-and-vomited' sweater from '84 without thinking about rape? YES. Yes, it does. We're talking to you, Jill Scott, who finally stopped supporting Cosby when the AP unearthed this latest revelation. (Along with Jimmie Walker, who now refers to Cosby as "the OJ Simpson of comedy.") Now someone, for the love of god, please convince Whoopi Goldberg, who claimed on The View that even after hearing about the deposition, she still wants to "see what happens," because she doesn't like to "make snap judgments." Apparently, she's also still weighing the pros and cons of "these newfangled automobile machines" and "the polio vaccine."
WEDNESDAY, JULY 8
WHY DOES ARIANA GRANDE HATE AMERICA? Doughnuts, it turns out. Also childhood obesity. The 22-year-old Zumba-song singer (sorry... that's the only way I know her) was caught on video at a doughnut shop with her backup dancer Ricky Alvarez. First, the two stealthily licked some of the display doughnuts while waiting for service. (Their reasons for doing so were never explained, BTW.) Then—when a tray of sweet, sweet carbo-loaded goodness arrived, Ariana, a self-proclaimed vegan, exclaimed, "What the fuck is this? I hate Americans. I hate America." Naturally, Grande promptly made an apology video, in which she claimed her frustration was because "As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me, and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences." Which I can sort of understand, because one time I went to a pet store and they were like, "Do you want some pet food?" and I was all, "Fuck you, and fuck America!" and I licked a rawhide dog chew and left. Because how dare they have pet food. Unfortunately, Justin Bieber didn't call me after the "Pet Food Gate" backlash, but he did call Ariana after Doughnutgate to let her know he'd "made his own mistakes in life, and you can only grow from those experiences." A note to Ariana: You know you're dangling dangerously close to rock bottom when you're getting supportive phone calls from Justin Bieber. So chin up, li'l soldier, and just be aware that when you enter a store and there are some words on the big sign outside, those words indicate what might be for sale inside. I hope that helps.
THURSDAY, JULY 9
The first good news of the week came out of South Carolina, where Governor Nikki Haley signed a bill into law that would take down the Confederate battle flag from the state house grounds. The passing of the bill followed more than 12 hours of debate, during which Republican crackers (I can say "cracker" because I'm one myself. Take back the language of hate!) attempted to filibuster the bill by suggesting important amendments, like planting flowers in the place of the flag. Any amendment would've delayed the bill's vote by weeks, during which Republicans apparently planned to build a time machine and warn Robert E. Lee that Union forces were way stronger than he thought at Gettysburg, thereby changing the course of the war and ensuring that the flag would continue to fly forevermore. Fortunately, the Republicans' plan was quashed by impassioned lawmakers, the pressure of national attention, and their inability to access either a DeLorean or plutonium on such short notice. So, suck it, racist crackers. I'm looking at you, Ritz.
FRIDAY, JULY 10
NEWS FLASH: Reddit's kind of a mess. The internet's most popular message board and former home to an assload of upskirt photos ("Assload" is the correct collective noun for upskirt photos. I'm pretty sure.) saw a big shakeup when Ellen Pao, its interim CEO, abruptly resigned after the community's very, very vocal users got themselves all hopped up on righteous anger and Monster Energy drinks and called for her dismissal. Their tighty whities were in a bunch over the wrongful termination of Victoria Taylor, the AMA (Ask Me Anything) coordinator for the site, who'd set up what was perceived as a difficult AMA with Jesse Jackson just one day prior. ("You are an immoral, hate-filled race baiter..." began one question—par for the course on Reddit, which contains some of the most thoughtful internet users out there, fighting constantly with the world's worst trolls... like, a million times worse than that Three Billy Goats Gruff guy.) Reddit has placed Steve Huffman, one of the site's co-founders, back on top. Huffman will have a tough job balancing First Amendment rights with getting rid of vomitous subreddits that have existed over the site's history, like /r/jailbait, /r/creepshots, and /r/beatingwomen. Good luck?
SATURDAY, JULY 11
WHY? WHY? WHY, John Stamos? Apparently the Full House, ER, and Greek yogurt commercial star has checked into rehab after a DUI arrest last month, but blah blah blah who cares WHY ARE YOU DOING A FULL HOUSE REBOOT? Fuller House? That's a dumber name than Dumb and Dumber To, and they TRIED to make it dumb. Sir, when I saw you playing drums with the Beach Boys at the Gilroy Garlic Festival back in the '80s, I thought your career was over. I thought an actor could never come back after losing a plum role like Blackie Parrish on General Hospital. BUT YOU DID. YOU CAME BACK ONCE, YOU CAN COME BACK AGAIN. You don't have to stoop, John Stamos. And you shouldn't have to spend another moment with Dave Coulier. None of us should. Oh, and sorry you're in rehab, too.
SUNDAY, JULY 12
One of Mexico's most notorious drug lords, known as "El Chapo," escaped from prison. This was horrible news, but it came with a small gift: Donald Trump repeatedly used the escape to tweet about Mexican thugs crossing our borders and mentioned that while Jeb or Hillary would negotiate with El Chapo, "Trump would kick his ass." And then, amazingly, El Chapo responded. On Twitter. "And I still fucking make you swallow all your whores fucking words," the tweet promised. Let me be clear—I do NOT want something terrible to happen to Donald Trump. But I can't imagine anything more likely to send someone underground, never to be heard from again, than a direct threat from a Mexican drug lord. We can only hope.