MONDAY, AUGUST 17 Hollyweird manicurists are working overtime this week, sharpening the claws of two of Tinselturd's biggest stars—because there's gonna be a cougar fight, y'all! Oh yeah! Cou-gar fight! Cou-gar fight! Okay, fine—so maybe Renée Zellweger and Jennifer Aniston aren't clawing each other's eyes out yet... but a girl can dream, can't she? According to Us magazine, Jennifer is still hoof-stamping mad about "butter face" Renée stealing her stallion, The Hangover's Bradley Cooper. "She honestly feels screwed over," says one of Jen's lippy pals, adding that the former Friends star honestly "doesn't see what Renée has that she doesn't." For once, Jen? We wholeheartedly agree! It is nearly inconceivable that Bradley would prefer someone with a face that resembles a mismanaged Mrs. Potato Head over your own. We mean, it's not like Renée is as beautiful as Angelina Jolie, right? Or as poised as, say, Angelina Jolie. And if you're going to have your man stolen by someone, then at least make it someone as genetically perfect as Angelina Jolie, wouldn't you agree? But to have Bradley ripped from your grasp by a skinny, bird-faced hag that doesn't even come close to the stunning allure of Angelina Jolie? That really has to smart.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 18 You know Hollyweird is going downhill fast when its celebs are incapable of making a decent sex tape. As reported last week in One Day, a sexy home video featuring Grey's Anatomy star Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart, and a dethroned Miss United States Teen, Kari Ann Peniche, was ejaculated onto the Internet. Unfortunately, while the threesome sat around naked making up porn names for themselves (Rebecca = Nina, Kari = Fifi, and Dane = "Cocaine Manor"?), according to Dane's lawyer, nothing even remotely sexy happened! "Although the participants are nude," says legal eagle Marty Singer, "the tape is not a 'sex tape.' It is a private tape made for only my clients' personal use." Okay, fine—it was for their own personal boredom, and not for our Hubby Kip to watch on his iPhone for 20 minutes in the bathroom. (But just so you know? Kip was extremely disappointed.) MEANWHILE... As you've undoubtedly heard, conservative screwballs have been disrupting town hall meetings across the nation in an attempt to derail the discussion about overhauling the nation's broken health care system. However, a few of these crackpots got a well-deserved tongue lashing tonight in Massachusetts from our fave gay representative, Barney Frank. After shouting down the shouters, Frank went toe-to-toe with one disgruntled dingbat who compared the new plan to Nazism and Obama to Hitler, leading Frank to ask her, "On what planet do you spend most of your time?" BURN! The wackjob's second attempt to make her hateful point was also shut down by Frank, who told her, "Trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table. I have no interest in doing it." DOUBLE BURN! (Note to everyone in the world: No more making comparisons to Hitler, unless you're talking about [a] Hitler, or [b] Renée Zellweger.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19 Earlier this month, a helicopter collided with a small private plane over the Hudson River, killing nine people. Today we learned what the air traffic controller in charge was doing at the time of the accident: making jokes about barbecuing a cat. According to the transcript taken inside the air traffic control center in New Jersey's Teterboro Airport, the controller was on the phone with a female employee making jokes about what to do with a dead cat located in the airport property room. "We got plenty of gas in the grill?" the controller asked. "Fire up the cat." The National Transportation Safety Board said the unfunny banter continued until one second before the crash, when the controller presumably figured out what was going on. Seconds later, nine people were dead. And even though this controller's actions were despicable, we staunchly refuse to compare him to Hitler. (However, Göring and Chris Brown are still on the table.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 20 Hey everybody! Hitler stole Lindsay Lohan's cell phone! Okay, so maybe it wasn't Hitler, per se... however, a New York deli employee did refuse to return Lindsay's cell phone that she had left behind until he could check a security tape to make sure it was hers. And that's kind of Hitler-esque, right? Naturally, LiLo was so upset by this slight that she threw a fit and called the police. We mean, what else was she supposed to do? Besides, didn't the deli worker know who Lindsay was? According to TMZ.com, "The deli worker had no idea who Lohan was." Ohhhhh!! Isn't that just so... HITLER!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 21 So, speaking of Hitler... Brad Pitt, the dreamy star of Quentin Tarantino's WWII flick Inglourious Basterds, has some choice words for another Nazi film! "It was a ridiculous movie," Pitt reportedly told a German magazine about Valkyrie, the WWII film starring Scientology poster boy Tom Cruise. We're not sure how Cruise reacted to the dis, but we did track down Scientology's supreme commander for comment. "Balderdash!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "As if the star of Seven Years in Tibet and Legends of the Fall is in any position to call anything 'ridiculous'! More like... like... Seven Million Years in Tibet! Because it was so long, you see! Or... ah... Legends of the I'm Fall-ing Asleep! Because hello! Bo-ring!" After several deep inhalations though his chest-gills, Klaktu regained his composure. "I apologize," he said, unclenching his tentacles and stroking his pet Denobulan ooze-ferret. "It's just so frustrating to hear this 'Brad' human giving Tom lip. I mean, Tom worked really hard on Valkyrie! He had to wear an eye-patch and everything! Ah, well—when our gargantuan planet-destroyer, The L. Ron, enters Earth's orbit in chrono-year 2014, all nonbelievers will be vaporized, so it makes little difference." UPDATE! "Brad has never seen Valkyrie, so this is not accurate," Pitt's manager has told Us. When informed of this development, Emperor Klaktu softened a bit. "Well... okay," he grumbled. "Fine. But also—and really, I don't mean to harp on this—but Meet Joe Black? Come on! More like... Meet Joe... Meet Joe... ah, yes! Meet Joe 40 Minutes Too Long! Ka-ZING! Right? Am I right? Well? Am I?"
SATURDAY, AUGUST 22 "These evildoers will be caught," promises Michael Lohan! Furious over a recent burglary at the mansion of his daughter, Lindsay, Michael is taking justice into his own hands. "I am coming into town to work with private investigators in order to gather evidence which will be turned over to LAPD," Lohan insisted this weekend, no doubt in his best Batman voice. While it might be difficult, dears, please: Do not tell Michael Lohan that he is not Charles Bronson. What we're now witnessing is, quite possibly, our best chance for Michael Lohan to convince himself he's a vigilante, promptly get in over his head, and probably be shot. Don't mess this up, people.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 23 We don't "feel bad" for celebs, because they (a) live in mansions, (b) make not-sex tapes with former teen beauty queens, and (c) are BFFs with intergalactic warlords. But just this once, we'll make an exception: Jerry O'Connell and Gary Sinise were at a recent Los Angeles Dodgers game when Sinise—as ludicrous as it might sound—was recognized! Dodgers fans started heckling Sinise, referring to him as his character from Forrest Gump, Lieutenant Dan. In a valiant display of bromance, O'Connell stood up for his beleaguered friend. "I had to go up to the cheap seats and tell these guys to stop yelling 'Lieutenant Dan!'" bragged O'Connell. "They sort of obliged a little bit... [Then] I get back to my seat and all they kept yelling was, 'Hey, it's the fat kid from Stand by Me!'" Cue sad trombone noise, and also cue Sinise and O'Connell splitting an awkward cab ride home, both of them staring out their windows, silent and sad.