MONDAY, JULY 20
And now some heartbreaking divorce news regarding a couple you clearly do not give two shits about—knee-slappin', straw-chewing country stars Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. (Yes, we realize not a single one of you listen to, or enjoy, country music—and yet? This story involves EXOTIC ANIMALS, which ensures you will read it in its entirety.) Here's their official breakup announcement, sent to Us Weekly. "This is not the future we envisioned," they, or more accurately, their publicist wrote. "And it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. We are real people, with real lives... Therefore, we kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter." They are REAL PEOPLE, guys! As opposed to the recently divorced Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner who are plasticized cyborgs developed in a Hollyweird dildo factory. And for the last time, celebrities, NO ONE IS GOING TO RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY, SO QUIT ASKING ALREADY! With that out of the way, let's start lobbing blame, shall we? Now, according to Blake (via several privacy-ignoring tabloids) he divorced Miranda for one of two reasons: She's either been cheating on him with another hayseed hillbilly (broaden your horizons, Miranda), or she refused to birth him any baby children. (This is the sort of thing that threatens the virility of simple country folk.) However, according to Miranda: It was either Blake's wandering penis that kept stumbling into various vaginas, or he refused to give her any baby children as required by hillbilly federal law. Ho-hum whatever, here's the best part of the story: According to TMZ, Blake is so bitter over the split he ordered Miranda to move her exotic animals (including a llama and a camel!!) off his Oklahoma ranch. (See, where Blake comes from, a camel is just a horse with a birth defect.)
TUESDAY, JULY 21
Remember when some idiot gave monster Kris Jenner (matriarch of the Kardashians) her own talk show? And how it was so unrelentingly terrible, it was cancelled after only a few months? Well, if there's one thing history is fond of doing, it's repeating itself. Today we learned that bioengineered daughter Khloe Kardashian will host her own chat show on the new FYI network actually called "Kocktails with Khloe," which promises to be "an intimate dinner party filled with cooking, pop culture, conversation, and outrageously fun party games." Or, as it's more commonly known, the most desperately boring party you've ever attended. But at least one person disagrees! FYI's Senior Vice Prez of Programming and Development Gena McCarthy actually said these words: "Khloe Kardashian is an iconic millennial voice." Hey millennials! You have someone who speaks for you now. Congratulations! Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to drink a bottle of Maalox and laugh ourselves to sleep.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 22
Last night the MTV Video Music Awards nominees were announced, and as usual, feelings were hurt. Prickly rapper Nicki Minaj hopped onto her Twatter machine to bemoan the fact she wasn't nominated for Video of the Year. "If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies," Nicki snapped, "you will be nominated for vid of the year [insert no less than 13 smiley emoticons here]." However, if there is anyone more insecure and prickly than Nicki, it's Taylor Swift (and Video of the Year nominee) who took the rapper's tweet very personally. "@NICKIMINAJ I've done nothing but love and support you," Tay-Tay snapped back. "It's unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot." [Insert no less than 13 "slot" jokes here.] The befuddled Nicki responded, "Huh? U must not be reading my tweets. Didn't say a word about u. I love u just as much." That's about when Taylor realized she looked like a big donkey jackass, and yet continued to make the situation even worse with this tweet: "If I win, please come up with me!! You're invited to any stage I'm ever on." Because, of course Taylor's going to win... right? (It should be someone's full time job to slap the smart phone out of Taylor's hand.)
THURSDAY, JULY 23
Hanging dildo update! For those Portlanders curious about the hundreds of rubber dildos hanging from power lines around town, the person responsible has spoken! In an interview with VICE magazine, "the 20-something dildo-distribution artist" admitted she and her friends were behind the prank, after coming into possession of "more than 10,000 rejected dildos and other sex toys" from a company that couldn't sell them because of a design flaw. But why throw them onto power lines? "It had to be done," the dildo lobber told VICE. "I have no idea why, but it had to. Dick-tossing is an exercise in happiness." If Portland ever needs a new motto—we think we've found it.
FRIDAY, JULY 24
THIS JUST IN... Mila Kunis demanded $25 million to get married to Ashton Kutcher! Huh. That seems a little low to us, actual—WAIT. THIS JUST IN... Sorry! We got that wrong! Mila Kunis demanded a condition in her prenup that states Kutcher will pay her $25 million if he ever cheats on her. A source tells the National Enquirer that the couple's wedding, earlier this month, was almost canceled "as Mila, 31, had second thoughts about 37-year-old Ashton. That was after the Enquirer revisited how Ashton once cheated on his then-wife Demi Moore." "He's strayed before," the source gabs, "but if he does it again, $25 million is a nice consolation prize for Mila" One moment, dears—we just have to call our lawyer real quick to make sure it is, in fact, too late to get a similar agreement between ourselves and Hubby Kip. (We're not saying we would cheat on Hubby Kip... but if, hypothetically, we were to find ourselves in a room with Channing Tatum... well, no way is Hubby Kip getting a dime. Because all our money is going to Channing. In dollar-bill form.) MEANWHILE... As they claw, kick, and slap at each other in their bid to become president, expect Republicans to talk a lot less about how much they hate abortion. Or at least start being sneaky about how much they hate it. "With help from a well-funded, well-researched, and invigorated anti-abortion movement, Republican politicians have refined how they are talking about pregnancy and abortion rights, choosing their words in a way they hope puts Democrats on the defensive," the New York Times reports. "The goal, social conservatives say, is to shift the debate away from the 'war on women' paradigm that has proved so harmful to their party's image." So maybe it bears repeating, dears: Despite their softer, slightly less misogynistic language, Republicans still don't believe in a woman's control over her own body—which still sounds like a war on women to us. Nice try, though, fellas!
SATURDAY, JULY 25
For years—ever since he brutally beat the holy hell out of his then-girlfriend Rihanna—we've hated Chris Brown. And finally, karma seems to be slowly—everrrrr soooo slooowwwwly—catching up. First, TMZ reports that a group of Brown's "close friends" allegedly waited until Brown wasn't home, called over some Bloods, and proceeded to rob Brown's house—including $50,000 in cash Brown was keeping in a safe. Ha! Haaa! AND THE SAGA CONTINUES... "Chris Brown is stuck in the Philippines and is appealing to Instagram for answers as to why," the New York Times writes. "Mr. Brown was prevented from leaving the country on Wednesday because of a fraud complaint filed by Iglesia ni Cristo (Church of Christ), a religious group that said the singer had missed a concert he had already been paid for last New Year's Eve at a venue owned by the church." "Can someone please tell me what is going on?" Brown whined on Insta. "I don't know." Ha haa HAAAA. (Confidential to "The Philippines": Sorry, suckers! He's yours now! No take-backs!)
SUNDAY, JULY 26
Earlier this week, the Fast Food Wage Board—a special panel appointed by New York Governor Andrew Cuomo—officially "recommended that the state's minimum wage for employees of fast-food chain restaurants be increased to $15 an hour," reports Time. "The previous minimum wage—enacted on December 31, 2014—for fast-food workers in New York City was $8.75 per hour; the new minimum wage represents a 70 percent increase." The board's decision, Time adds, "follows that of other large cities that have moved to increase their minimum wages, such as Seattle, San Francisco, and Los Angeles." Notice any particular city missing from the list? A city that loves to talk about how much it cares about its people? A city where longtime, lower-paid residents are getting forced out? A city that's straining at the seams thanks to income inequality? Yeah. We thought so. Your turn, Portland.