DONALD TRUMP "You think I'm bad? Check out my lawyer!"

MONDAY, JULY 27

Today America flocked to read the most important story of the day, provided by New York magazine, "'I'm No Longer Afraid': 35 Women Tell Their Stories About Being Assaulted by Bill Cosby, and the Culture That Wouldn't Listen." New York spent six months researching, interviewing, and photographing the alleged victims for the article. Among the photographs was an empty chair, meant to represent the 11 women who didn't want their pictures taken, as well as those still too scared to come forward. Cosby accuser Beverly Johnson frames her initial reticence to accuse the comedian thusly: "In the end, just like the other women, I had too much to lose to go after Bill Cosby." But even those who did step up to level accusations were met by a culture that's all too happy to blame the victim first. "The first assumption was that women who accused famous men were after money or attention," wrote New York's Noreen Malone in an essay for the piece. "As Cosby allegedly told some of his victims: No one would believe you. So why speak up?" Three cheers for these 35 brave, incredible women—who were courageous enough to do just that.

TUESDAY, JULY 28

Speaking of defending rape culture, presidential candidate/joke Donald Trump's statement about Mexico importing drug dealers and rapists to the US is returning to bite him—and his loudmouth lawyer—in the ass. Following the statement, the Daily Beast uncovered an accusation from Donald's former wife Ivana Trump, in which she claimed her husband ripped fistfuls of hair out of her head and then forced her to have sex with him, following an argument about a plastic surgeon. (Your possible future president, ladies and gentlemen!) When Donald's lawyer, Michael Cohen, learned the Daily Beast was going to print the accusation, he went ballistic as only the attorney for Donald Trump can. "You're talking about the frontrunner for the GOP, presidential candidate, as well as a private individual who never raped anybody," Cohen told the Daily Beast. "And, of course, understand that by the very definition, you can't rape your spouse. [OH NO HE DID NOT.—Ann] It is true. You cannot rape your spouse. [OH NO HE DID NOT AGAIN!—Ann] And there's very clear case law." Mmmm... yes, at one time there was a "clear case law" in New York about marital rape exemptions—but that was struck down in 1984. Nice lawyering, Cohen! ANYWAY. Here's where Cohen's threats get extra hilarious! "I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse," Cohen told the Beast. "And I will take you for every penny you still don't have. And I will come after the Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know. So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting." Naturally the Beast story was immediately printed anyway, and with Cohen's comments as well. But nice try, terrible lawyer and Mr. Trump! Now we're hoping Trump does get the GOP nomination—because something tells us this icky story is just the tip of the iceberg. (In which Trump is both the iceberg and the Titanic.)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 29

For those dying to hear the latest rumor on why formerly loving couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner went splitzo, grab a wet nap... because this one's gonna get juicy! According to "multiple sources" speaking to Us magazine, Ben was allegedly banging the nanny! (Oh, Ben... must you always fall face first into the cliché?) Jen was the one who hired the gorgeous, 28-year-old nanny—and while we don't want to blame the victim... JEN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? (Take it from us, gals: If you must hire a nanny, make sure she looks like Hubby Kip's Uncle Mortimer—before electrolysis.) Even after Jen gave her the heave-ho, the nanny was reportedly still seeing Ben on the sly, and... oh, hold on. Ben's rep has something to say. "The story is complete garbage and full of lies," the rep yelped to no one in particular, because he is paid to do so. "[Us Weekly] decided to construct stories in order to sell magazines. It's like story time in kindergarten. It's shameful and desperate." Thanks, rep! (By the way, can you give us the name of that kindergarten that tells such interesting stories? We'd be the perfect substitute teacher.)

THURSDAY, JULY 30

Nothing happened today. Oh! Other than a bunch of Greenpeace activists dangling from the St. Johns Bridge! (But none of them slept with their nannies, so fuck 'em. Check out this story if you're interested.)

FRIDAY, JULY 31

"Kim Kardashian has 41 million Instagram followers," Radar reports. So that's depressing to hear. But wait! Radar adds that the soulless harpy's "online popularity didn't translate into huge sales for her book of selfies, Selfish." So that's satisfying to hear! According to Radar, the dead-eyed, soul-sucking demon's narcissistic collection of selfies sold only 32,000 copies—a number that "represents just 0.8 percent of Kardashian's Instagram fans," landing it in the same "flop" territory as the YA sci-fi novel attempt by Kim's sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner. (Rebels: City of Indra: The Story of Lex and Livia sold less than 15,000 copies.) So... people are "hate watching" TV shows these days, right? Anybody up for a "hate read" book club? A book club devoted solely to the failed artistic endeavors of the Kardashians? Because that could be fun. (Hmm... does North West count as an artistic endeavor?)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1

Last night, professional wrestler (and sometime Hillsboro resident) "Rowdy" Roddy Piper died at age 61 of a heart attack. "The kilt-wearing trash-talker... headlined the first WrestleMania and later found movie stardom," ESPN wrote, before launching into a truly impressive obituary: "Piper was a villain for the early portion of his career, once cracking a coconut over the skull of Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka. He hosted a popular WWF talk show segment called 'Piper's Pit' in the 1980s and later starred in the movie They Live.... Although he was Canadian, he often appeared in a kilt and came to the ring blowing bagpipes in a nod to his Scottish heritage." "He was an underrated actor and just a marvelous entertainer," They Live director John Carpenter told the Associated Press, "and I feel like I've just lost one of my close friends." MEANWHILE... Hubby Kip hasn't left the basement since hearing the news. We're pretty sure he's just watching They Live on repeat. R.I.P., Rowdy.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 2

What's this? Some good news? In the New York Times? Is this some kind of mistake! No! It's true! "In the strongest action ever taken in the United States to combat climate change," the Times writes, "President Obama will unveil on Monday a set of environmental regulations devised to sharply cut planet-warming greenhouse gas emissions from the nation's power plants and ultimately transform America's electricity industry." We've said it before, dears, but it sure is nice to see Obama finally doing the kind of things we elected him to do—and not, you know, getting distracted by letting the National Security Agency spy on us, or by using drones to blow up Muslims. MEANWHILE... Dammit! Of course the Times now has some awful news to balance out the good! "Fewer than 400 families are responsible for almost half the money raised in the 2016 presidential campaign, a concentration of political donors that is unprecedented in the modern era," the Times reports, noting that "super PACs" are doing extraordinary damage to America's representative democracy. "To peruse the top donors in presidential politics is to take a cross section of the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans," the Times adds. To a degree never witnessed, the messages of candidates are being spread—and shaped—by those who benefit most from income inequality and the status quo. While it's no surprise that Republicans love super PACs, establishment Democrats like Hillary Clinton are also reaping their benefits. In conclusion, the 2016 presidential election will be a farce, Ben Affleck is (allegedly) fucking the nanny, and everything is awful. BUT WAIT! TAKE THAT SHOTGUN OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, AMERICA! This week on Instagram, the brilliant, amazing Amy Schumer posted pictures of herself hanging out with her new BFF... (drumroll please)... the brilliant, amazing Jennifer Lawrence! The pics showed the two cavorting around on vacation, laughing and smiling and riding a jet ski and just having the best time ever. So that's worth keeping in mind, everyone: A world in which Schumer and JLaw pal around can't ever be all bad.