MONDAY, AUGUST 24 The following is not a rhetorical question: Is there a God? If indeed there is a God, then how could He stand idly by, callously allowing the continuation of such utter horror and hardship in the world? Example: the Hollyweird burgling spree that has victimized both Lindsay Lohan and Audrina Patridge (that donkey-toothed gal from The Hills). As briefly reported last week, Lindsay had just returned from not embarrassing herself as a guest judge on Project Runway, when she discovered her Hollyweird Hills home had been unceremoniously burgled and ransacked. According to publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick, many of LiLo's "personal belongings were taken—without remorse." (Talk about being omniscient! How do publicists know these things?) Even more shocking? Security camera footage shows an eerie resemblance between LiLo's thieves—a young man and two women—and the burglar and burglarettes who recently robbed the home of the dentally challenged Audrina Patridge. While the LAPD is undoubtedly spending night and day in search of these bandits, Lindsay is doing a little crime cracking of her own—via Twatter! "I know it was not a ROBBERY," twatted the underwearless Sherlock Holmes. "Electronics weren't taken... just things a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me." Ahhh... see what she's doing there? By sneakily dropping in the phrase "old friend," Lindsay is surreptitiously trying to make the mastermind expose him/herself! Like for example... YOU Samantha Ronson! Or YOU Paris Hilton! Or YOU Brandon "Firecrotch" Davis! Tell you what... Lindsay's going to cut out the lights, and count to 10. If her sex toys and underpants aren't returned to their rightful place (which is to say, in the general vicinity of her vaheena) there's going to be hell to pay!!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 25 Rest in peace Senator Teddy Kennedy, who succumbed to brain cancer today at the age of 77. A tireless advocate for civil rights, and most recently health care, Senator Kennedy leaves behind a remarkable body of legislation as well as a reputation for encouraging and achieving bipartisanship under the most difficult circumstances. "It's huge that he's absent [from the health care debates]," said former presidential candidate John McCain in regard to Kennedy's failing health over the last few months. "[If he were here] I think the health care reform might be in a very different place today." To say "he will be missed" is a gross understatement. MEANWHILE... Pop singer and part-time woman beater Chris Brown was sentenced today to five years probation, a year of domestic-abuse counseling, and 1,400 hours of "hard labor" service (including graffiti removal and washing cars) for assaulting girlfriend/singer Rihanna. He has also been ordered to stay away from his former flame for five years, until his probation period has ended. But for those of you who are concerned that Brown may have sunk into a bottomless pit of depression after receiving this sentence—fear not! Brown was spotted later on this evening at West Hollywood's Guys and Dolls club, singing and dancing on a tabletop to Michael Jackson's "Dirty Diana." (Perhaps the judge can amend Brown's five-year sentence to include "staying away from Rihanna... and everyone else in the world, while he's at it.")
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26 Another sad loss—this time for the literary scene. Famed crime author, Vanity Fair contributor, and raconteur Dominick Dunne passed away today from cancer at the age of 83. MEANWHILE... Just when you've managed to convince yourself that maybe, just maybe America's torture of terror suspects started and stopped with waterboarding, a secret CIA report reveals just the opposite. The 109-page report, released by the Justice Department, details a litany of stomach-turning abuses against suspects inside overseas CIA prisons. According to the New York Times, these abuses "included suggestions about sexually assaulting members of a detainee's family, staging mock executions, intimidation with a handgun and power drill, and blowing cigar and cigarette smoke into prisoners' faces to make them vomit." Oh, and of course there was plenty of waterboarding as well—but you have to do something to break up the day, right?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27 And now it's time for the latest news from America's least relevant art form... the Broadway musical! A key scene has been dumped from the most recent revival of Broadway's classic hit Bye Bye Birdie, now starring Showgirls alum Gina Gershon. According to the New York Daily News, Gershon plays Rosie, who, in an attempt to forget her boyfriend Albert, performs a wild, erotic dance with a bunch of horny Shriners. However, the producers are planning on cutting this particular scene because, according to Gershon, "It seemed a little too gang rapey." Phew! Good to know. So don't worry, folks! The next time you're in NYC, be sure to catch the hit revival Bye Bye Birdie: now with 25 percent less "gang rape-iness!"
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28 Brace yourselves, ladies: That hussy Emily Blunt has conned an engagement ring out of the dreamy John Krasinski! You probably know John from his charming role as "Jim" on The Office, and you probably know Emily from her wooden attempts at scene-stealing in The Devil Wears Prada. Well, Emily, kudos to you, you talentless, ham-fisted skank. Somehow, you've snagged one of the very few available, non-moronic, hetero men in Hollyweird (not to mention one who always has perfectly tousled hair). We hope you're pleased with yourself, and we wish you both all the luck in the world! (Also, confidential to "J.K.": You can do better! We can, and will, leave Hubby Kip at any time. We have a suitcase full of mousse hidden under the bed in the guest room, packed up and ready to go.)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29 "We had a track record... of defending the nation against any further mass casualty attacks from al Qaeda," former Vice President Dick Cheney grumbled today on Fox News. "The approach of the Obama administration should be to come to those people who were involved in that policy and say, 'How did you do it? What were the keys to keeping this country safe over that period of time?' Instead... they're going to go out and investigate the CIA personnel who carried out those investigations." (Those CIA "investigations," if you'll recall, consisted of waterboarding, and also of things like the much-admired Photography 101 course at Abu Ghraib.) Apparently under the delusion that anyone still cared what he thought, the diabolical puppetmaster continued his rambling, adding that the Obama administration's investigations of the country's use of torture were "intensely partisan" and that the whole thing "offends the hell out of me." Which reminds us: Can someone please tell Dick Cheney to die already?
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30 "Actor Macaulay Culkin is the mystery dad of Michael Jackson's son Blanket," Brit rag The Sun gushes, insisting that Culkin—who the late Jackson called "Mack"—was part of a covert scheme in which Jackson "stockpiled the ingredients to genetically engineer three 'perfect' kids." Okay, so let's break this down: By "ingredients," it's safe to assume they mean "sperm." And by "sperm," it's safe to assume they mean "Macaulay Culkin's sperm." And by "Macaulay Culkin's sperm," it's safe to assume ugh. EWWW. SHUDDER. Just to skeeve us out even more, The Sun continued, quoting an anonymous source: "The Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his 'perfect' family. Really, Jackson idolized him. That's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father." IN RELATED NEWS... We have never wanted Purell so badly in our entire life.