MONDAY, AUGUST 3
Hollyweird's top celebs have been divorcing at a rapid-fire pace lately—oh, hello, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner and Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert!—but there's at least one couple who are staying together and won't shut up about it: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith! After Radar Online reported the pair was taking the express train to Splitsville and ending their 17-year marriage at the end of the summer, the far more believable tabloid site Gossip Cop called Radar on their bullshit, calling the story... well... bullshit. "We checked in with an impeccable Smith family source," Gossip Cop wrote impeccably, "who tells us the... end-of-summer divorce announcement is 100 percent 'not true.'" So who is this so-called "impeccable" source? Probably none other than the Fresh Prince himself, who took to his Facebook page to issue his own rebuttal. "In the interest of redundant, repetitious, over & over-again-ness," Smith wrote in classic Big Willie style, "Jada and I are... NOT GETTTING [sic] A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) I promise you all, if I ever decide to divorce my Queen, I SWEAR I'll tell you myself!" Nice try, Will—but we don't buy it! (Because people who actually aren't getting divorced usually include 14 exclamation marks instead of 13. Write us again when you really mean it.) MEANWHILE... Former pop stars Gwen Stefani, of No Doubt, and Gavin Rossdale, of Bush, actually are getting a divorce! How do we know? Because (A) they didn't put any exclamation marks in their announcement, and (B) they publicly said, "We are getting a divorce." HAH! Top that detective work, Nancy Drew!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 4
The big news of today: Lenny Kravitz's dick fell out. According to multiple news sources, the rock star was performing in Stockholm when his extremely tight pants consciously uncoupled, freeing Kravitz's penis in front of hundreds of concertgoers. "It was the greatest moment of my life," Lenny Kravitz's penis told reporters afterward. "Too bad I didn't get to enjoy it. Lenny immediately ran off stage—and just when I was about to launch into 'Are You Gonna Go My Way.' Who's the dick now??" MEANWHILE... Longtime readers of One Day at a Time will surely remember Britney Spears' classic umbrella-swinging, head-shaving meltdown of 2007—and how, in 2008, she was placed under the conservatorship of her hillbilly pappy Jamie Spears, AND how we said such an arrangement was an idiotic plan that could never, ever work. Okay, fine, so it worked. We were wrong, so fuck you and fuck everybody, because we hate being wrong. Anyway, fast forward seven years from the beginning of the conservatorship, and the now-33-year-old Britney is looking fantastic, being a great mom to her two kids, and has made millions upon millions of dollars. And so? Since it ain't broke, it's been decided the conservatorship will continue indefinitely (while granting Brit-Brit "substantial day-to-day freedom" to make her own choices, according to TMZ). So again, we were WRONG, fuck everything on the planet, and if Jamie Spears would like to be our conservator, we are currently taking applications for the position.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5
Speaking of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, suspicions are deepening their split was because (drumroll please...) Ben boned the nanny. And said nanny—Christine Ouzounian, who was fired shortly before Ben 'n' Jen's breakup—was recently seen "having a happy exchange" with Affleck at his new house! According to the New York Daily News, the two were seen "smiling and laughing as the 28-year-old nanny gifts him with what appears to be a champagne bottle." Affleck responded "with a delightful look of surprise"—before inviting her inside for several hours. Hmm! It's starting to make sense why an insider tells Us Jennifer's "disgusted" with Ben. "She hasn't been responding to his texts," the source gabs. "She refuses to speak with him about anything other than the kids and has shut him out." "Now, if you ask me," said Lenny Kravitz's penis, "it doesn't look like Ben's losing much sleep about Jen not texting him back, am I right or am I right? Ha! At least, that's my professional opinion. As a penis."
THURSDAY, AUGUST 6
Brace yourselves, dears: Yesterday there was a top-secret wedding between Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux! While guests had their phones confiscated in order to ensure privacy, none other than Howard Stern dished the juicy details! "They had these tiny little chairs," Stern remembered, regaling everyone listening to his show, which apparently still exists. "There was a table, and then you sit down and the chairs were like poufs, like little pillow poufs." Stern went on to wax rhapsodic about getting to meet fellow guest Orlando Bloom ("He's like better looking than Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, and Tom Cruise all rolled into one"), and seeing Jimmy Kimmel officiate ("He did a beautiful job. I didn't think he'd get through it. Jimmy's still depressed about that lion getting killed over in Africa"). OH NO... Dears, we are so, so sorry. We just realized this was the world's most boring wedding, between the world's most boring celebrities, recounted in the most boring way imaginable. Quick, let's get to Friday! Let's talk about something else! Anything else!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 7
Even the Republican debate? (Hey, it has to be better than hearing anything else about Jennifer Aniston's stupid wedding, right?) Last night in Cleveland, all 1,392 of the GOP's presidential wannabes gathered on a single stage to have a serious, in-depth conversation about the important issues facing America today. Ha! JK! "Shedding any pretense of civility and party unity, Donald J. Trump overwhelmed the first Republican presidential debate on Thursday night by ripping into his rivals and the moderators," reported the New York Times. Moderator Megyn Kelly, of Fox News, caught the brunt of Trump's trollish grandstanding after she pointed out Trump has referred to women as "fat pigs" and "slobs." "Only Rosie O'Donnell," Trump interrupted. "For the record, it was well beyond Rosie O'Donnell," Kelly replied. "Yes, I'm sure it was," Trump continued. "I don't frankly have time for total political correctness. And to be honest with you, this country doesn't have time either. This country is in big trouble." "Whoa!" said Lenny Kravitz's penis. "I can see why you guys freaked out when you saw me! It's crazy to see a dick on stage."
SATURDAY, AUGUST 8
And now begins the time-honored practice of damage control—a practice that, since the dawn of democracy, has occurred after every political debate. Oh, wait. Sorry! Our mistake! This is Trump, which means he blamed Megyn Kelly for hurting his poor widdle feewings. "You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes," Trump told CNN. "Blood coming out of her—wherever." WE NOW PAUSE FOR A MOMENT TO LET THAT SINK IN—because yes, dears, that was Donald Trump implying that Kelly must have had it out for him, because she must have been on her period. UGH. Trump elaborated in a press release he'd clearly written himself, probably in crayon. "Mr. Trump made Megyn Kelly look really bad," it began. "She was a mess with her anger and totally caught off-guard. Mr. Trump said 'blood was coming out of her eyes and whatever' meaning nose, but wanted to move on to more important topics. Only a deviant would think anything else." Later, Trump continued to refuse to apologize. "I apologize when I'm wrong, but I haven't been wrong," he told Meet the Press. "I said nothing wrong." Trump also claimed it was difficult for women—even those, presumably, on their periods—to criticize him. "It's very hard for them to attack me on looks," he said, "because I'm so good-looking." Quick, let's get to Sunday! Let's talk about something else! Anything else!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 9
Earlier this week, John Stamos confirmed the awful truth: He tried to get the Olsen twins fired from Full House! (Hey, it has to be better than hearing anything else about stupid Donald Trump, right?) Stamos came clean about a scene in a Lifetime TV movie, The Unauthorized Full House Story, that shows Stamos (played by Miley Cyrus' ex Justin Gaston) complaining about how long it takes to shoot a scene with the pint-sized Mary-Kate and Ashley. "It is sort of true that the Olsen twins cried a lot," Stamos said of the scene. "So that is actually 100 percent accurate." Stamos added that after he complained, Full House's producers tried to recast the twins. "They brought in a couple of unattractive redheaded kids," Stamos remembers. "We tried that for a while and that didn't work." Wait. Did Uncle Jesse just insult two young children? Somebody call Trump—we think we've found his running mate! "Don't forget about me!" Lenny Kravitz's penis cried out. "It seems weird to get those two dicks together but not invite me, right?"