MONDAY, AUGUST 10
For once, let's start off the week in the best way possible with the following headline: "Zac Efron to Star with Dwayne Johnson in Baywatch Movie." For those too young to remember, Baywatch was a 1980s sexy-lifeguards-on-the-beach show featuring David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson, and their half-naked, bouncing junk. But even if you're not familiar with the show, we're convinced you're very familiar with the bouncing junk of Efron and Johnson—so join us now in a nether-dampened squeal of glee. SQUEAL! The well-built Efron says this Baywatch reboot will feature plenty of slow-motion shirtless runs on the beach, "raunchy" comedy, and according to tweets from the stars... perhaps a bit more? Says Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson: "BIG NEWS: Welcoming my dude @ZacEfron to #BAYWATCH. Our movie will be big, fun and RATED R... Like me when I drink." And the comely Zach Efron's response? "So stoked brother—baby oil for 2 plz." Imagine: Dwayne and Zach rubbing each other with baby oil. Sighhhh. Who needs gay porn? MEANWHILE... In much less joyous news, according to England's Daily Express, NBC has their eyes on a replacement for Donald Trump as host of The Celebrity Apprentice, and that person is Amal Clooney (AKA George Clooney's wife, AKA the woman who crushed our heart into dust by marrying the man of our dreams). So in other words, NBC is replacing the worst person with the worst person. We hope everyone will be very happy with their life choices.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 11
Let's check in on the latest scandal du jour: Ben Affleck's alleged affair with former family nanny Christine Ouzounian! For those just joining us, the blonde, pert Christine stands accused of breaking up Affleck's marriage to wifey Jennifer Garner (though Ben's reported gambling, boozing, and dipping his penis in various vaginas may have had a weeee bit to do with it, too). According to In Touch magazine, Christine is currently avoiding the harsh glare of the press by hiding out in Hollyweird's posh Hotel Bel-Air—with Ben paying for the whole shebang. "Christine is living the high life holed up in a swanky suite," says a sneaky spy, "and Ben is paying for all of it... even for her girlfriends, who have been staying with her. Ben has given her enough money to cover all her bills and expenses, plus spending money, for at least the next three months." Oh-ho! But there's a good reason for Benny's overwhelming generosity. "Ben's leading her on so that she stays quiet," the snoop continues. "He knows he needs to keep her happy or the whole thing could turn ugly really fast." As in, Christine spilling the beans to tongue-wagging gossips (like ourselves)... or perhaps even launching a wrongful termination suit against her former boss Jennifer? Oh the delicious possibilities are endless!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12
Remember detestable right-wing radio shock jock Glenn Beck? (He's the one who called President Obama "a racist," among many other not-so-brilliant things.) Now he's come out with what he believes to be the ultimate list of "15 Cities to Avoid Like the Plague When Things Go Bad." (Not sure what he means by "when things go bad"... for him that could be when women are paid the same as men.) Regardless, these awful, awful cities include Las Vegas (#12), Los Angeles (#10), Seattle (#3)... and in the number one spot? PORTLAND, OREGON. Glenn advised his listeners to avoid these cities (and Portland in particular) at all costs, because we represent the "least religious in America" and "are already in trouble." It's true, Glenn Beck listeners! Portland believes in equal rights, environmental protection, and maintaining a skeptical relationship with God. SO STAY AWAY! (Oh, and did we also mention the rent is too damn high?)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 13
And right on cue, here are Ben Affleck's defenders, or as they're better known, "people very close to the situation" or as they're even better known, "Ben Affleck's desperate publicists." According to them, Ben Affleck did NOT put his reported lover/hot nanny Christine Ouzounian up in the Hotel Bel-Air for three months, or buy her a brand-new Lexus to shut her up. (WAIT. She got a brand-new Lexus, too?!? Who do we have to blow to get this gig? Oh... right. Ben Affleck.) These "very close sources" also want us to know that while Ben might have had "some sort of friendship" with Christine, he is definitely NOT in contact with her now. As in his penis is definitely NOT inside her vagina at this very moment. (Unless of course it fell in by accident.) Thanks for the update, "people close to the situation"!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 14
And the saga of Christine Ouzounian continues! Turns out Ouzounian might have even loftier ambitions than we thought: She's been "parading around in full hair and makeup for the paparazzi, cruising around Santa Monica, California, in a new, top-down $43,000 luxury Lexus, and sipping wine al fresco with friends where cameras can catch her in her full glory," Page Six reports. "The word in LA is that Christine is looking for an agent and wants a TV deal, on something like The Bachelorette or Dancing with the Stars," a source gabs. "She knows she can't go back to nannying—who in LA would hire her now to take care of their kids? So she's going to use the spotlight to build a showbiz career." Well, to this heartless, home-wrecking hussy, we only have one thing to say... EXCELLENT PLAN, DEAR. The only problem? You're thinking too small! Don't just try to get on The Bachelorette! Try to get your own show. Maybe one where you disguise yourself as another famous couple's nanny, and then try to wreck that home? We hear Matt Damon and his wife are looking for some help these days, so.... (Oh, and if this takes off? We want exec producer credit and residuals.)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 15
Las Vegas' number-one showgirl—one Britney Spears—may be departing Sin City, according to E! "I'm not really sure," Spears said, when asked by E! if she'd be extending her lucrative contract at Planet Hollywood. "I haven't made up my mind. I really love doing the show. It's a lot, a lot of fun, but I'm kind of torn right now. I don't really know what I want to do." Well, that certainly sounds very indecisive, so allow us to assist you in your decision, Brit: Relocate to Portland! We're pretty sure nobody would complain if you took over the Crystal Ballroom for your nightly shows—and if it helps, you can totes stay in our guestroom! Um, so long as you aren't weirded out by all the Britney posters we have up in there.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 16
Today the New York Times used their front page to profile a small, local business you might have heard of: Amazon. While the working conditions of Amazon's warehouse workers are common knowledge (remember when Amazon hired ambulances to ferry away unconscious employees from a 100-degree warehouse rather than, you know, installing air conditioning? Ha!), what's less well known is the toll working at Amazon takes on white-collar employees. "Amazon uses a self-reinforcing set of management, data, and psychological tools to spur its tens of thousands of white-collar employees to do more and more," the Times notes, adding that while expectations are high (including "marathon conference calls on Easter Sunday and Thanksgiving, criticism from bosses for spotty internet access on vacation, and hours spent working at home most nights or weekends") and rewards are low (Amazon refuses to offer paid paternity leave), the corporation's outlying cases give most concern. In addition to forced cullings of employees and a tool that encourages employees to secretly tattle on their coworkers, Amazon is particularly hostile toward women—like Michelle Williamson, who was informed having children would keep her from being promoted, and Molly Jay, who was dubbed "a problem" because she cut back working on nights and weekends to care for her father—who had cancer. Meanwhile, a woman suffering from thyroid cancer was punished ("her manager explained that while she was out, her peers were accomplishing a great deal"), another was forced to go on a business trip the day after miscarrying twins ("I'm sorry, the work is still going to need to get done," her manager said), and a woman who had just given birth to a stillborn child was warned "her performance would be monitored" to ensure her focus "stayed on the job." MEANWHILE... Amazon despot Jeff Bezos—who tried to keep employees from talking to the Times—fired off a company-wide email. "The article goes further than reporting isolated anecdotes. It claims that our intentional approach is to create a soulless, dystopian workplace where no fun is had and no laughter is heard," he wrote. "I don't recognize this Amazon, and I hope you don't, either." Shortly after hitting "send," Bezos took a long, sweet draught from a goblet filled with the still-warm blood of a six-year-old orphan, then methodically strangled a boxful of kittens and dribbled a honey glaze over the sautéed liver of one of his employees. "Now this is really good," he said, though it was unclear if he was speaking of his meal or the latest episode of Transparent, which he was watching on his Kindle Fire at the time.