MONDAY, AUGUST 24
In news that shook the Earth to its very core, British boy band One Direction announced today that they are, according to Us Weekly, "taking an extended hiatus to focus on solo projects." Wait! Stop... stop screaming! We can barely hear ourselves think! Echoing your panic was our 12-year-old niece, Tracee Romano, who had this to say about the announcement. "I hate everything!" Tracee screamed at the top of her post-pubescent lungs. "I hate you, I hate the world, and I hate One Direction who doesn't care, doesn't care, DOESN'T EVEN CARE! [SLAM!]" That was Tracee slamming the door, and... "How could they??" Tracee screamed as she returned, dragging her body across our kitchen linoleum. "First it was Zayn who stabbed me in the face with his treachery! Then Harry talked about leaving, but didn't—probably because of the death threat I left him on Snapchat. But now ALL FOUR want to quit?? How can they do this? ANSWER MEEEEE!! HOW CAN THEY DO THIS???" "Ahem... well... uhhh," we stuttered, "Maybe they really are just taking a little break, because you know, KISS did the same thing back in..." "WHAT. IS. A. 'KISS?'" Tracee screeched, her eyes flaring with the heat of 1,000 suns. "AND. WHY. ARE. YOU. EVEN. TALKING. RIGHT. NOW??? This is literally the WORST day of my life, LITERALLY, and YOU DON'T EVEN CARE I HATE YOU HATE YOU HAAAAATE YOUUUUU!!! [SLAM!]" Ooooh-kay. Thanks to Tracee Romano for a tween's perspective on this still-developing story, and... "YOU'RE NOT WELCOME I HATE YOUUUU! [SLAM!]"
TUESDAY, AUGUST 25
In more shocking news, Mel Gibson continues to be a world-class butthole. As you surely recall, Gibson has a history of drunkenness paired with anti-Semitic and homophobic slurs. (He's also acted in a movie or two.) This time the 59-year-old was visiting his hometown of Sydney, Australia, when a female photog tried to snap a shot of him and his 24-year old girlfriend (ugh), Rosalind Ross. Things did not go well from there. "When I turned around he shoved my back really hard," photographer Kristi Miller explained. "He was spitting in my face as he was yelling at me, calling me a dog, saying I'm not even a human being and I will go to hell. He swore at me and called me a c**t." Miller then told the Telegraph she thought he was going to "punch [her] in the face," but was stopped by gal pal Ross who told Gibson "that is enough" and pulled him away while apologizing for his insane behavior. Local police are investigating the alleged attack, and Gibson has denied it. IN A RELATED STORY: The sun rose this morning, and will probably rise again tomorrow, giving Gibson yet another opportunity to act like a complete dick. Surprise!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26
In yet another example of how "guns keep us safer," this morning in Virginia, a disgruntled former TV station employee, Vester Lee Flanagan (AKA Bryce Williams), shot and killed reporter Alison Parker (24) and cameraman Adam Ward (27) while they were filming a live news segment. Seven hours later, Williams committed suicide. The father of the slain reporter, Andy Parker, was obviously devastated—and justifiably incensed over America's lax gun regulations, which contributed to the death of his daughter and her coworker. "You always think there's a tipping point," Andy Parker said to CNN. "We thought that when [former-Representative Gabrielle Giffords] was shot, you know, something would happen. With Sandy Hook, something would happen. And it never did." Parker has since dedicated his life to advocate for gun control. "[My daughter] Alison would be really mad at me if I didn't take this on," he continued. "I promise you, these people are messing with the wrong family. We are going to affect a change."
THURSDAY, AUGUST 27
After hearing that terrible news, we need something truly amazing to pull us out of our funk—and the following bit of gossip is a start: GUYS! Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer are writing a screenplay together! According to the New York Times, the Hunger Games star admitted she and comedian Schumer are writing a film comedy—in which they will co-star! "We play sisters," Lawrence said, "it's been the most fun experience of my life." BUT IT GETS BETTER. After leaking the news of the screenplay, Lawrence texted Schumer, asking if it was okay that she'd "spilled the beans to the New York Times?" Schumer immediately texted back, "That you're gay? Totally! It's exciting!" OMIGOD, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 28
In what will likely be cold comfort to the millions whose personal details were ejaculated all over the internet as part of the Ashley Madison leak, the company is insisting—insisting!—that their service isn't a scam! The most recent development comes after the not-so-shocking discovery that men on the site far outnumber women—and after Annalee Newitz wrote a post for Gizmodo, the tellingly titled "Almost None of the Women in the Ashley Madison Database Ever Used the Site," in which, after analyzing the data, she found "millions of Ashley Madison men were paying to hook up with women who appeared to have created profiles and then simply disappeared.... The more I examined those 5.5 million female profiles, the more obvious it became that none of them had ever talked to men on the site, or even used the site at all after creating a profile." Eager to claim "oh god oh god everything's fine here, please keep giving us money," Ashley Madison's beleaguered PR team quickly shouted at anyone who would listen that last week they got "hundreds of thousands" of new users—and that almost 90,000 of them were women! Mm hmm. "That's surprising for a few reasons," Jacob Kastrenakes deadpanned at the Verge, "not the least of which being that hackers the other week exposed private information on the site's existing 37 million users, and you'd expect no one to trust the site after that to properly facilitate discreet affairs." In conclusion, Ashley Madison is just as trustworthy now as they were before they allowed all their customers' data to get stolen. E-commerce, everybody!
SATURDAY, AUGUST 29
"Controversial celebrity chef Paula Deen is joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars," reports E! News, which, for some weird reason, misspelled "disgustingly racist" as "controversial." Apparently this is the third time Dancing with the Stars has asked Deen to participate—but the first time she's said yes, which must mean things are going great in Deenville. Deen will be joined by other "stars" such as Bindi Irwin (the daughter of late croc hunter Steve Irwin), former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, jockey Victor Espinoza, and something called a Peta Murgatroyd. So long as no one on the show is black, we expect Deen will have a delightful time. SPEAKING OF RACISTS... On ABC's This Week, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked a horrifying question by host Martha Raddatz. Naturally, it was about Donald Trump. "Could he be the nominee?" Raddatz asked Gingrich, no doubt while wondering what she could have possibly done wrong to find herself in this exquisite hell. "Absolutely," Gingrich replied. "I think he also could be the president." And there we have it, dears: a scenario even more horrifying than Paula Deen on Dancing with the Stars.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 30
Jesus, there has to be some good news today, right? Somewhere around here? Let's just look around for a sec... oh! Ah! Found it! Thank god. Last night at MTV's Video Music Awards, Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj finally ended their Twitter feud that was tearing this country apart in a manner not seen since the Civil War. "The singers surprised VMA viewers when Swift came out on stage to perform one of Minaj's songs with her, 'The Night Is Still Young,'" Page Six reports, "before jumping into a verse of Swift's 'Bad Blood.'" (And if you thought Page Six would be able to resist writing "Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift are ending any 'Bad Blood' still floating around," think again.) It's moments like these that make us truly appreciate forgiveness, friendship, and just how good "Bad Blood" is, and really makes us feel much better about the rest of the awful news from this wee—THIS JUST IN. KANYE WEST HAS RUINED EVERYTHING. In an 11-minute speech given while accepting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award (an award that, in the spirit of full disclosure, we should note we've won several times), West said all sorts of Kanye Westian things ("I will die for the art, for what I believe in") before casually letting everyone know that he's made a pretty big decision: "I have decided in 2020 to run for president," West said. Then he left, and an entire nation realized that in a world where Donald Trump might end up as president, Kanye might not have been joking.