MONDAY, AUGUST 31 As for this Lady Gaga person... we're not a big fan. While we're sure she's the "cat's pajamas" to the "now generation," to us older folk Gaga is just another retread in a long line of Björks and Madonnas circa the '80s. However, that doesn't mean it's okay to accuse her of having a penis. The current rumor du jour skipping around the interwebs is accusing Lady Gaga of being a hermaphrodite—primarily because of one unflattering picture where the confluence of odd lighting and a wrinkled pant front caused the illusion of a penile outline. (Happens to all of us from time to time, and in our opinion is still superior to being caught camel-toed.) Unfortunately the rumor will not be ignored, forcing Gaga to comment on the imaginary penis to an Australian radio station, who asked if she was offended by the speculation. "I'm not offended, my vagina is offended," Gaga replied. "I'm not embarrassed about anything. I think more than anything, it's society's reaction to a strong woman. The idea that we equate strength with men and a penis is a symbol of male strength—it's just what it is. But like I said, I'm not offended at all, but my vagina might be a little bit upset." Good for you, Gaga! Our estimation of you has risen with the strength and authority of a virile, veiny male penis. Now here's a tissue for your sad vaheena.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 For those who are sick of still hearing about failed wannabe vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin—you can partially thank almost son-in-law and the father of her grandchild Levi Johnston for continuing to occasionally dole out scraps of Palin family scandal. Self-proclaimed redneck Johnston gets the interview treatment in this month's Vanity Fair, and revealed two things of note: that Palin tried to convince Johnston and daughter Bristol to let her adopt their baby to avoid the public scandal of having a single teen mother in the family, and secondly, Johnston is currently mulling over whether or not he should pose nude for Playgirl. As for the first revelation, NO DUH. At least she didn't suggest putting the baby in a bag and throwing it off a bridge, or shooting it with a high-powered rifle from a hovering helicopter. However, as for getting nude for Playgirl? Do it, Levi! Otherwise, how will we ever be able to put aside those rumors of you being a hermaphrodite? MEANWHILE... Also from the world of political failures, Cindy McCain—the skeletal wifey of losing Republican presidential nominee John McCain—granted an interview with People magazine in which she compared her migraines to the torture experienced by a prisoner of war... specifically her hubby. "Torture," Cindy said to describe her incredible suffering. "Being tied to a chair for four days. I can't imagine how unbearable that pain must have been—but yeah, I can, because a migraine may come close." Umm... so we're thinking that may be an unfair comparison. Migraines = being shot down over Vietnam, bayoneted, beaten, and repeatedly tortured with a variety of cruel tactics to extract information? No. Migraines = the experience of living with someone like Cindy McCain? Yes.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Apparently, we didn't get the memo that this was "idiotic interview week." Today's idiotic interview came courtesy of (surprise!) Larry King who grilled—which is to say lobbed softballs at—pop star/girlfriend abuser Chris Brown. Wearing a baby blue sweater and bowtie (possibly to send the message that one can be sensitive AND attempt to murder one's girlfriend), Brown attempted to rationalize his behavior. "Nobody taught us how to love one another," he said. "No one taught us a book on how to control our emotions, our anger." Nobody taught him? Oh, so it's society's fault. Nice work, society! (Hey Chris, while we're on the topic, can you please return our old textbook Spouting an Unbelievable Amount of Bullshit? Other celebs have been asking for it.)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Absolutely nothing happened today because Lindsay Lohan was sick. (For the love of god, PLEASE get better soon!)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 A whopping 71 days after he died, Michael Jackson has been laid to rest. (Why the delay? Well, seeing as how Jacko's body was 97 percent plastic, it's not like there was any rush, was there?) Predictably enough, reports indicate the funeral was just a teensy bit weird: In Los Angeles' Forest Lawn Memorial Park (where security's tighter than Miley Cyrus' chastity belt), the singer's brothers wore single white gloves and bore his casket, on top of which Jackson's children (11-year-old Paris, 12-year-old Prince Michael, and seven-year-old Blanket) placed a "bejeweled crown." Mourners included Elizabeth Taylor, Macaulay Culkin, Lisa Marie Presley, Chris Tucker, Corey Feldman, and the Reverend Al Sharpton, who was classy enough to Twitter throughout the funeral. "I just spoke at the conclusion of tributes," Sharpton twatted. "Gladys knight sang her heart out. Now we prepare to lay him top rest." A bit later came his update: "MICHAEL JACKSON HAS BEENb LAID TO REST." Readers, please note how kind we are in not making fun of Al Sharpton's typos, due to the solemnity of the occasion. IN RELATED NEWS... Shortly after the mourners and paparazzi had dispersed, the undead corpse of Michael Jackson popped up, let out a little "Yee-ow," moonwalked out of the mausoleum, shuffled across Hollyweird doing the "Thriller dance," and placed a classified ad in the LA Weekly requesting a "Twitter typist" for his friend Al.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 "Early estimates put the cost of Sarah Palin's midterm resignation as Alaska governor at a minimum of $40,000, not including a special legislative session partly linked to her departure," the Associated Press reports. That $40,000 includes $14,100 for swearing in Palin's replacement, Governor Sean Parnell, and $3,328 to move Palin's family out of the governor's mansion, but it doesn't include $100,000 Alaskans had to cough up for a special session "in which lawmakers approved Palin's pick to replace Parnell as lieutenant governor and overrode her veto of federal stimulus funds intended for energy efficiency projects." So once again, on behalf of all Alaskans—thanks, Sarah! (Did they forget to add how much she's taken from our souls?)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 "I took a lot of abuse from her. I was put down," whines Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus Eight, bemoaning his recent divorce from Kate Gosselin in an interview. "I'm taking care of the kids," he mumbles. "She's on book tours, she's doing all these things." IN RELATED NEWS... A "family day" for the beleaguered Jon Gosselin, his children, and two generations' worth of grandparents took a turn for the worse today when Jon's grandmother bravely attempted to commit suicide. Dramatically throwing herself to the ground, the geriatric woman clawed at her ears with her arthritic, liver-spotted hands, screeching, "Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up! No one cares that you got married to that fame-whore, spent however many thousands of dollars pumping her full of fertility drugs, acted all shocked when an ungodly number of demonspawn plopped out her vaheena, milked your situation for millions on reality TV, and only then realized your plastic-surgery nightmare of a wife is an attention-starved, child-neglecting monster second only to Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII! I can't take it anymore! Your family's dead, soulless eyes stare at me from every magazine cover and every news program and every witty, insightful gossip column that runs in two-bit alternative weekly newspapers! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! DEATH, I BEG FOR THY SWEET EMBRACE!" (Okay, maybe we exaggerated a bit. But Jon's grandmother did fall down today during "family day." Jon immediately tweeted, displaying a level of tact that'd make even the funeral-twattin' Al Sharpton proud. "She'll be ok," Jon wrote. "Thanks for the concern! Kids had a good day though, some fun in the pool before it gets too cold." Oh, THANK GOD. We were so worried.)