JOHNNY DEPP Loves his dogs more than Australia.

MONDAY, AUGUST 31

Because we know you're all deathly concerned, here's even more gossip from last night's superfluous MTV Video Music Awards. Now as we know, MTV loves to manufacture as much drama for this ceremony as possible—because otherwise? No one would give a single shit. However, MTV is proclaiming its innocence in regard to the onstage dust-up between testy rapper Nicki Minaj, and reformed hillbilly/host Miley Cyrus. To recap: Nicki was accepting her award for "Best Hip-Hop Video" when she decided to interrupt her own speech with a mini-diatribe about comments Miley allegedly made to the New York Times about Nicki. "Now back to this bitch," Nicki snapped in Miley's direction, "that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press... Miley, what's good?" Refusing to wither beneath the steely glare of Minaj, Miley barked back, "We all do interviews, and we all know how they can be manipulated. Congratufuckinglations, Nicki." At this point Nicki's mic was shut off, but from what she was mouthing, it doesn't look like she and Miley will be brunching with Taylor Swift and her new bestie Kanye West anytime soon. (Though these four would be awesome in a reboot of Mean Girls.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

Oh, and one more quickie about the VMAs: In his acceptance speech for the Video Vanguard Award (AKA the "Maybe This Will Shut Kanye Up" Award), Kanye West performed one of his trademark rambling speeches—though this one clocked in at a mere 11 minutes long, and almost... almost made a couple of salient points. (We call that progress!) However, his "drop the mic" moment came when he announced he would be running for president in 2020—inspiring the planet to go nuts and briefly consider that this utterly ridiculous proposal could ever possibly happen. And so OBVIOUSLY the press had to ask our current most ridiculous presidential candidate, Donald Trump, what he thought about the possibility of Kanye's proposed run in 2020. "I was actually watching [Kanye's speech]," Trump responded, "and I said, 'That's very interesting. I wonder who gave him that idea?'" Who gave Kanye the idea that America's highest office has been turned into a goddamned joke thanks to blithering idiots like Donald Trump? Hmmm... that would be YOU, Donald Trump. You should be very proud.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

Yay! More Duggar drama! When we last checked in on this clan of religious hypocrites, son Josh Duggar—the confessed child molester—had been busted for cheating on his wife and having two accounts on the hacked infidelity website, Ashley Madison. Anyway, a hastily composed apology later, Josh has been whisked away to a Christian-based rehab called Reformers Unanimous in Rockford, Illinois. Apparently he's supposed to be attending counseling groups, performing community service, taking college-level courses such as financial management and auto repair (!!), and most importantly, studying the shit out of the Bible—because the Bible had NOTHING TO DO with him becoming a child-molesting, cheating piece of crap, right? Right, and... wait. THIS JUST IN: According to onlookers talking to Radar Online, Josh hasn't been seen attending meetings or the rehab's required religious services—and perhaps, he isn't there at all. "Josh definitely wasn't there," one observant insider noted. "It was very strange." So if Josh Duggar isn't at a Bible-thumping rehab, where is he? Well... has anyone checked Ma and Pa Duggars' basement to see if Josh is curled up in a fetal position, sobbing quietly while covered in an inch of Cheetos dust and a pile of decades-old Playboys? Just a working theory!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

Speaking of Christian assholes, Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis is a real Christian asshole. After being jailed for refusing to do her job and grant gay couples marriage licenses—as ordered by a little organization known as the Supreme Court of the United States of America—county clerk Kim Davis still won't shut up about it, even though she's behind bars. Now she's saying that the marriage licenses currently being issued "without her authority" are void and "not worth the paper they're written on" because she didn't authorize them as an elected official. Ummm... yeah... about being an elected official: Turns out Davis wasn't exactly upfront with voters when she ran for the office. "She ran on a Democratic ticket," said Kentucky resident David Ermold. "But clearly she's not Democratic." In addition, it's been revealed that Davis—that staunch supporter of traditional marriage—has been married four times. And so, while Davis stews in her cell, having daily "Bible studies with herself," she may want to reflect on the hypocrisy of her choices... including the most recent revelation from the Guardian that in February, she unknowingly issued a marriage license to a transgender man and his wife. Wow! If Kim ever makes it to heaven, God is going to have a field day with her.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4

It's been a relatively upbeat week so far—so naturally, here come Donald Trump and Sarah Palin to ruin it. Yes, those two names are in the same sentence... and if Palin has her way, not for the last time! "Sarah Palin has made a pitch to be named energy secretary under a Donald Trump presidency," the Guardian reports. The only problem, as Vox points out? "It's not clear she even knows what the department does." (Oh, Sarah. How we've missed you.) Palin recently told CNN she thinks "a lot" about the US Department of Energy, because "energy is my baby: oil and gas and minerals, those things that God has dumped on this part of the Earth for mankind's use instead of us relying on unfriendly foreign nations." "Except this really has nothing to do with the department of energy," Vox notes, "which mainly oversees the nation's nuclear weapons program—a task consuming nearly half its budget—runs the national labs, and conducts energy R&D. What Palin wants is the US Department of the Interior." Dears, we haven't had this much fun following politics since 2008. Wonder why that is?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5

If you've been anywhere near the internet or a movie theater in the past few days, you've likely seen the trailer for the new Will Smith movie Concussion—a film that, as the New York Times reports, was made to focus on "the death and dementia professional football players have endured from repeated hits to the head—and the NFL's efforts toward a cover-up." But don't get your hopes up that Concussion will actually address the fact Americans love to watch athletes suffer severe neurological damage. "In the end even Sony, which unlike most other major studios in Hollywood has no significant business ties to the NFL, found itself softening some points that might have been made against the multibillion-dollar sports enterprise," the Times adds. That "softening" came to light via leaked emails from the Sony hack, and revealed that in addition to "unflattering moments for the NFL" being cut from the film, a Sony lawyer noted "most of the bite" was taken out to keep the NFL happy. BUT DON'T FRET, SEAHAWKS FANS... because here's something that might make you feel better about your terrible hobby! Kanye West just sent Taylor Swift a giant bouquet of flowers, which Tay-tay promptly posted on her Insta—hashtagging it "#KanTay2020." Hmm. Kanye West and Taylor Swift as co-presidents in 2020? Well... let's just say we've heard worse ideas. [See Friday.—Ann.]

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6

As the refugee crisis rages in Europe and wildfires ravage the Pacific Northwest, it's good to know celebs are keeping their focus on what's really important. Like, say, months-old feuds with Australian agriculture ministers. Such is the case with Johnny Depp, who, as you might remember, got in trouble earlier this year when he smuggled his stupid little Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, into Australia—flouting the country's strict biosecurity laws in order to keep Pistol and Boo nearby as he filmed Pirates of the Caribbean XXIV: Depp Blue Sea. "If we start letting movie stars come into our nation [with pets], then why don't we just break the laws for everybody?" Australian Agriculture Minister and international hero Barnaby Joyce declared at the time. So that's that, then? NOT QUITE... Because at the Venice Film Festival, Depp brought it up again. "I killed my dogs and ate them under direct orders from some kind of, I don't know, sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia," Depp said. Okay, so NOW can we put this incident aside? Nope, because THIS JUST IN... Via an unprecedented press release, Pistol and Boo have decided to weigh in! "This is so embarrassing," they wrote. "Seriously, we can't apologize enough for our owner. We never even wanted to go to Australia! Also, help. Please help. He won't stop dressing us in his old scarves and—oh god. He's coming. Please help. PLEASE HEL—"