MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Hello? Are you forgetting that this is National 9/11 Remembrance Week, when the catchphrase is "Never Forget"? Well, don't stress, because you're not the only person doing a lot of forgetting lately. There's also Hubby Kip who blithely forgot our anniversary, and—believe us when we cryptically say this—he is still paying the price. There's also celebrity dreamboat George Clooney, who has apparently forgotten we exist (even though we deluge him with lipstick-embossed fan letters and crudely drawn pictures of ourselves stabbing his girlfriends in the eyes). How do we know he's forgotten us? Because according to People magazine, his new relationship with admittedly gorgeous model/actress/skank/trollop/whore Elisabetta Canalis is now OFFICIAL. "The day before the premiere of his new movie," says this horribly insensitive magazine, "the couple made a grand arrival at the Venice Film Festival following a water taxi ride across the city's lagoon, prompting Italian papers to gush over the pair as the next Brad and Angelina." WHAT... THE... FUCK? Oh, but unfortunately, there's more. "[George and Elisabetta] have been inseparable the past three weeks, spending much of their time at his lakeside villa in Como." (Eaaaaasy, Ann. Eaaaaasy. Put down the knife...) The cruel, heartless magazine continues, "Most of their meals are taken at home, with Clooney's cook firing up homemade pizzas in a wood-fire oven and much of their free time spent lounging by the pool in his secluded garden or on Clooney's boat." Boat?? Secluded garden?? Homemade pizzas? WOOD-FUCKING-FIRE OVEN?!? Why don't you just dig your rusty blade a little deeper into my broken heart, People magazine? It's bad enough we'll never have Clooney... we've accepted that. But we'll damned if that Elisabetta slag gets our man AND our fucking wood-fucking-fire oven! TODAY is our new 9/11! WE SHALL NEVER FORGET!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 In news that simultaneously shocked and bored the entertainment world, it was announced that comedian Ellen DeGeneres will be taking over Paula Abdul's seat on American Idol. It's expected that DeGeneres will bring a much-needed sense of humor to the judge's table—though not the kind of humor we prefer. We would be much happier if Ellen loaded up on booze and barbiturates before each show, clapped like a seal, and occasionally nodded off before being startled awake, confused and drooling. (In other words... Paula Abdul? WE SHALL NEVER FORGET!)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Tonight, President Barack Obama addressed Congress and the nation on the bugaboo subject of health care reform, and unsurprisingly, knocked it out of the park. While he may not have put all our fears to rest, Obama confidently laid out his plan and (hopefully!) hit the brakes on idiotic rumors being spread by Sarah Palin, the "birthers," and... oh. Hello, Representative Joe "You Lie!" Wilson! While you may be unfamiliar with this hard-line Republican South Carolina representative, he made a big embarrassing name for himself tonight by interrupting Obama's speech by squealing, "You lie!" when the president denied rumors the government would insure illegal immigrants. (Just to be clear, Wilson is NOT in favor of insuring illegal immigrants, just like he was NOT in favor of taking down the racist Confederate flag flying over the South Carolina statehouse.) And while Wilson's outburst was roundly criticized on both sides of the aisle, that's not stopping him from trying to make a little money off his dickish interruption. So far Wilson has garnered a cool $700,000 from like-minded (which is to say "idiotic redneck racist") supporters. Look, if it's just money he wants, why doesn't HE become a judge on American Idol, where they actually appreciate people who interrupt Simon Cowell?
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 Remember Jon Gosselin from the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus Eight? (We thought we told you to NEVER FORGET!) Jon went on Good Morning America to let everyone know he now officially "despises" former wife Kate, who verbally abused him during their marriage, and still keeps his testicles in a little jelly jar above the fridge. But even worse? Jon accuses Kate of forcing him to have marriage counseling sessions with the most disgusting human being on the planet: Dr. Phil. After unwisely agreeing, Jon says that Dr. Phil focused more on "fixing the image" of their TV show than their marriage. "We talked about the brand and making the brand work," Jon said. "It was weird. I was like, 'Why am I here? I could be snowboarding.'" Make a mental note, everybody! Instead of doing anything with Dr. Phil, your time could be better spent snowboarding. Or for that matter, removing your toenails with a pair of pliers. NEVER FORGET!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Eight years after 9/11 (the real one, not our Clooney-specific one), America's still dealing with the horrific repercussions of that fateful day.... Charlie Sheen, for example. Yes, the Two and a Half Men star is convinced 9/11 was an inside job—and he recently wrote a fictionalized interview with President Barack Obama to prove it! Yes: Charlie Sheen pretended to be interviewing the president about 9/11 being a hoax, and he wrote it all down, and he posted it online. Sheen's bewildering, 4,300-word-long make-believe "interview" contains some awe-inspiring moments, such as when the punctuationally challenged actor barrages Obama with a list of "facts" that do everything but mention tinfoil hats and black helicopters, then opens his heart: "Mr. President, I implore you based on the evidence you now possess, to use your Executive Power. Prove to us all Sir, that you do, in fact, care." But Sheen's crowning achievement? When he pretends Obama is a "big fan" of Two and a Half Men. ("I have it Tivo'd on Air Force One," Sheen imagines Obama telling him.) To hell with Two and Half Men's laugh track—where's that pathetic "Awwwwww" sound effect when you need it?
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 Today Taylor Swift won some award or another at MTV's Video Music Awards! "I always dreamed about what it would be like to maybe win one of these," the adorable Swift gushed in her acceptance speech. "Thank you so much for giving me a chance to win a VMA award. I—" Enter Kanye West, who leapt onstage and grabbed the mic from Swift. "I'm really happy for you, I'm gonna let you finish," Kanye shouted. "But Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time! ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!" The shocked Swift stood silently as the crowd booed West; later, she explained, "Well, I was standing on stage because I was really excited because I had just won the award. And then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage. And then I wasn't so excited anymore after that." Kanye offered a not particularly apologetic apology on his blog, and yes, his "caps lock" key still appears to be broken. "I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM," Kanye wrote. "I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD'VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT HER BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SITTING IN THE BLEACHERS.........................I'M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!........................BEYONCE'S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE! I'M SORY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!!" Well put, Kanye. As always.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 ABC news reporter Terry Moran used Twitter to break the Story of the Century™! "Pres. Obama just called Kanye West a 'jackass' for his outburst at VMAs when Taylor Swift won. Now THAT'S presidential," twatted Moran. (Alas, ABC quickly deleted the twat once they discovered Obama's remark was intended to be "off the record.") Psst! Hey, Moran! Think you can convince Obama to go "off the record" with his actual thoughts about Two and a Half Men?