MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
For one brief shining moment, pop star douchebag Justin Bieber APPEARED to have renounced his former douchebaggy ways. Unfortunately? Now he's just a different type of douchebag. In a sweeping interview with Complex magazine in which he tried to blame the famous "peeing in a mop bucket" incident on a "dude at the club" who told him it was "okay," Biebs also described his particular brand of Christianity and how the Big Bang theory is kind of a bunch of baloney. "For a 'big bang' to create [the universe] is more wild to think about than thinking about there being a God," the eternally wise Bieber intoned. "Imagine putting a bunch of gold into a box, shaking up the box, and out comes a Rolex. It's so preposterous." Ha! In your FACE, "science"! Think there's no such thing as a "god"? Just take a peep at the bling on Bieber's wrist, hater! But Justin didn't stop there—he also dropped some wicked knowledge about what it means to follow Christ. "You don't need to go to church to be a Christian," Bieber opined, adding, "if you go to Taco Bell, that doesn't make you a taco." BOOM! All hail Justin Bieber, the king of analogies! IN A RELATED ANALOGY... Peeing in a club's mop bucket doesn't make you a Christian, either.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
In what is possibly the absolute WORST idea in the history of humankind, the Democratic National Committee has asked Kanye West to perform at a party fundraiser in San Francisco next month in which President Obama will be in attendance. Because maybe they don't realize, that in addition to performing a couple of songs, Kanye will almost certainly launch into one of his famous 20- to 45-minute rambling rants that are simultaneously hilarious and horrible. However, according to Page Six, the Democrats are well aware of this potential problem and have a plan in place to deal with it. "There will be restrictions," said an inside source. "Kanye won't be able to lecture the president on how to run the country." Hahahahahaaaaa! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! Asking Kanye West not to lecture the president is like asking Donald Trump to say something insightful on Twitter. IT CANNOT BE DONE. (That's why we're buying our ticket to this fundraiser right now.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Extras who were thrilled to get some work on the set of HBO's upcoming sci-fi western series Westworld became somewhat less thrilled after being asked to sign a very particular release form before coming to work that day. According to Deadline, here's what the contract said: "By accepting this project assignment, you may be required to do any of the following: appear fully nude; wear a pubic hair patch; perform genital-to-genital touching; have your genitals painted; simulate oral sex with hand-to-genital touching; contort to form a table-like shape while being fully nude; pose on all fours while others who are fully nude ride on your back; ride on someone's back while you are both fully nude; and other assorted acts the project may require." Oh, and they also added this: "The project will also include language and sexual situations that some may consider personally objectionable or uncomfortable." Oh, you don't say? While the actors' union flipped their collective wig over this contract, and vowed to be on set to protect the actors' rights, we only wish Hubby Kip would've given us this exact agreement before we got married. We hate surprises.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1
We despise having to write about these things again and again, but here we go: Ten people were shot and killed at Roseburg, Oregon's Umpqua Community College today in one of the worst school massacres in the nation's history. You can read more details in this week's news section, but here's what President Obama said in a speech to the nation this afternoon: "We are not the only country on earth that has people with mental illnesses or [who] want to do harm to other people," the president said. "We are the only advanced country on earth that sees these kinds of mass shootings every few months.... There is a gun for roughly every man, woman, and child in America.... This is a political choice that we make.... We collectively are answerable to those families who lose their loved ones because of our inaction." So when will enough finally, and really be enough? That's hard to say—especially when one considers that, by at least one count, the Roseburg massacre was the 994th mass shooting in the US since Obama was reelected in 2012.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2
So, how did Obama's speech go over in Roseburg? Welllll... not great, according to Yahoo! News, whose reporters visited the Roseburg Gun Shop, where customers are greeted by "a life-sized cardboard cutout of President Barack Obama with a Middle Eastern scarf around his head and a badge pinned to his chest that reads, 'Gun salesman of the year.'" "The customers and sales staff in the store... said they were horrified by the shootings," Yahoo! reports. "But they were not buying the president's argument that guns were the problem." "I'm tired of the government telling me what to do all the time," said 52-year-old police officer (and government employee) Don Sheldon. Meanwhile, shooting instructor Thomas Adair, 66, argued gun-free zones should be eliminated. "'I've been telling people in my classes the last few years that [Umpqua Community College] is not a safe place,' he said, echoing a common view in the store that if students had been allowed to carry guns to school, someone might have stopped Thursday's shooter faster." ELSEWHERE... Others are taking a slightly different view. Michael Pascoe, an editor for the Sydney Morning Herald's BusinessDay, took exception to Obama's claim that countries like ours, such as Australia, have "managed to craft laws that almost eliminate mass shootings." "In his very fine speech this morning, full of sorrow and frustration, President Obama made a mistake," Pascoe wrote. "Australia is not like the United States. We decided not to be. We decided to grow up instead and become a more reasonable, rational society that explicitly values human life."
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3
And because we're going to have a breakdown if we don't talk about something else—anything else—we're going to jump rather abruptly to London, which is satisfyingly far away from the Roseburg Gun Shop. (Though it's not quite as far away as Australia, where we're thinking about moving next.) "When Isabella Cruise said 'I do' in a surprise London ceremony, her famous father Tom Cruise was nowhere to be found," reports Radar Online. "Oh, Ann! This is such a non-story!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu, the be-tentacled Blood Warlord of Rigel VII (and Scientology's chief spokesalien). "What father hasn't been too busy to attend the wedding of one of his broodspawn? And it's not like he missed her real wedding! The one that will occur on Rigel VII in 3013, of course, where, according to Rigelian edict, Isabella shall be bathed in the Ooze Sacrament of Be'eal before being joined with Beck in eternal matrimony in a holo-ceremony conducted by the Z-Form Evolution of L. Ron Hubbard! Oh, it shall be lovely. For then we shall dance to blitz-hop, feast on Xeron grubs, and carouse around the Fire-Pit of Thetans as we eagerly wait for the clock to strike 26:04, at which blessed time L. Ron shall activate his laser-phallus and lead us in the Zero-Gravity Orgy of Fuckulon! C'mon, Ann! You saw Going Clear! You know what real weddings are! (Also, if you aren't busy in 3013, I'd be honored if you'd be my date.)"
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4
Speaking of weddings, it's been one terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year since our formerly beloved George Clooney threw his life away tied the knot with hideous, life-destroying harpy "distinguished human rights activist and lawyer" Amal Alamuddin. Thanks for reminding us, People! (Excuse us, dears. We need to burn this issue of People.) This week the couple celebrated at the New York Film Festival's 15th anniversary screening of O Brother, Where Art Thou?, where George told stupid People, "We sure are having fun. We had a beautiful anniversary, and we're having fun." An onlooker noted the two constantly "held hands" and were "super casual" at the event, appearing very happy as if there were no signs whatsoever of a looming divorce. So good for them or whatever. (Excuse us again, dears. This time we need to cram our DVD of O Brother, Where Art Thou? down the garbage disposal.)