MONDAY, OCTOBER 5
Reason #3,547 why Rihanna is the absolute best: Even when she doesn't make any sense, she totally makes sense. Case in point: In a recent Vanity Fair interview, RiRi spoke at length about her confusing on again/off again relationship with abusive former boyfriend Chris Brown. Remember how we were aghast when she agreed to temporarily take him back? In this interview Rihanna said she believed she could "change him" before eventually realizing the ridiculousness of that effort. Now she just wishes she could stop having to relive the attack again and again. "I just never understood... how the victim gets punished over and over," she said. "It's in the past, and I don't want to say, 'Get over it' because it's a very serious thing.... But for me, and anyone's who's been a victim of domestic abuse, nobody even wants to remember it. So to talk about it and say it once, much less 200 times, is like... I have to be punished for it?" And speaking of nonsensical actions that actually make a lot of sense, in the same interview Rihanna went on to lionize "hero" Rachel Dolezal (whom you remember as the NAACP president who pretended to be black). Wait... she said "hero"?? How could that possibly make sense? Explain thyself, Rihanna! "I think she was a bit of a hero," RiRi told VF, "because she kind of flipped on society a little bit. Is it such a horrible thing that she pretended to be black? Black is a great thing, and I think she legit changed people's perspective a bit and woke people up." But... she... and you... DAMMIT. Okay, fine, Rihanna—that does make a bit of sense. Now can you please explain how Kim Kardashian made $28 million in 2013? Thanks.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 6
Today in Taylor Swift: Ms. Tay-Tay also gave an interview this week (to NME magazine) in which she (a) realized it's better to text someone you're having a argument with rather than blast it to the world on Twitter (welcome to 2015, Taylor), and (b) told a legitimately funny story about her new BFF, Kanye West. Here's the story: "Me and Kanye are on such good terms now, six years later," Taylor said. "I was at dinner with Kanye a week after the Grammys, he stops what he's saying and he goes, 'What is this song [that's playing]? I need to listen to this every day.' I said, 'It's Beck, it's on an album called Morning Phase, I think you've heard of it...' [It won Best Album at the 2015 Grammys, which inspired Kanye to opine that Beck should "respect artistry" and give his award to Beyoncé.—Ann] We just burst out laughing. And he says, 'Hey, sometimes I'm wrong.'" Then they probably put a dab of whipped cream on each other's nose and spent the rest of the meal giggling. OH, YOU TWO KIDS.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7
True fact: Florida is the worst state in the union. (You know we're right.) However, Florida is about to get a little better... or maybe worse? Because guess who's considering moving there? TOM CRUISE. According to Us Weekly, the star is apparently trying to sell his Beverly Hills mansion in order to move to Clearwater, Florida. What's in Clearwater? Why beautiful beaches, a weekly farmers' market, an excellent jazz festival... and what else... OH! It's also home to the worldwide spiritual headquarters of Scientology, which is also known as the "Super Power Building" that, according to Wikipedia, houses "a time machine, an anti-gravity simulator, an infinite pit, and a pain station" in addition to... "OH, BALDERDASH ANN!" chief Scientology spokesalien Klaktu screamed via intergalactic holotube from his home planet of Rigel VII. "Where would you expect Tom to move? Orlando? Last time I checked Disney World neither has a time machine NOR an infinite pit! And tell the truth: If we had a Back to the Future hoverboard, your beloved Hubby Kip would be moving there in a hot second!" But... unghh. Okay, you win. "HAAAAA! HAAAAAA!" Klaktu screamed. "For once, VICTORY IS MINE!!"
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8
Republican presidential wannabe Ben Carson figured out a way to stop school massacres—like the one at Umpqua Community College last week—without resorting to gun control. Let's hear it, Ben. "I would ask everybody to attack the gunman [simultaneously]," Ben told CBS This Morning, "because he can only shoot one of us at a time. That way, we don't all wind up dead." And with that, America decided Ben Carson is a fucking idiot of the highest magnitude, and should never be spoken of again.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9
Okay fine, one last thing about idiot doctor Ben Carson, who today doubled down on his moronic statements about gun control—by claiming that if only Jews had shot back at the Nazis, the Holocaust never would've happened! "I think the likelihood of Hitler being able to accomplish his goals would have been greatly diminished if the people had been armed," Carson told Wolf Blitzer. "There is a reason that these dictatorial people take the guns first." (Now would be a great time to let out that heavy sigh you've been saving up, dears.) "Carson's counterfactual history in which better-armed German Jews somehow prevented the ascendance of the Nazi Party is nothing new," New York pointed out, adding that the "Nazi gun-control theory is a longstanding trope of the pro-gun right." "It is, however, deeply insulting to the many Jews and non-Jews who did in fact fight and die resisting the Nazis with arms. Also, it has been repeatedly debunked." AND YET... Somehow Carson's desperate scramble for the votes of paranoid, insecure gun nuts went even further—because on Sirius XM Radio, Carson explained how coolly he handled a gun being pointed at him! Over 30 years ago in Baltimore, Carson claims, he was at a Popeyes. "Guy comes in, put the gun in my ribs," Carson remembered. "And I just said, 'I believe you want the guy behind the counter.'" Huh. Well, that's certainly one way to handle it. IN CONCLUSION... It's the Jews' fault that the Nazis killed them—and if you're a neurosurgeon who's in a restaurant that gets held up? Make sure they point the gun away from you and toward the kid behind the counter who's making minimum wage. Ta-da! America's gun problem: solved!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 10
We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but today... today is a horrible day for our beloved Taylor Swift, as she broke up with her DJ boyfriend, Calvin Harris, after he was allegedly caught leaving a Thai massage parlor. While Tay-Tay and DJ Calvin had only been dating for six months, this still has to come as a blow to Swift, who... oh. Oh, no. Something even worse just happened to Taylor Swift. Oh, Taylor. We're so sorry. AND THAT WORSE THING IS... The world's worst person, Gwyneth Paltrow, is delighted that her 11-year-old daughter, Apple, loves Taylor Swift! "For me, that's such a great sign," Paltrow babbled to People. "Taylor is a girl who's incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She's not naked on the red carpet. She's an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can't go wrong." Wrong, Gwynnie: Apple's life went horrifically wrong the second you named her Apple. (And Taylor's life went horrifically wrong the second you started giving her compliments.)
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11
Wait—did we say Gwyneth Paltrow was the world's worst person? Sorry! The world's worst person is actually Anne Hathaway—who, thankfully, has been out of the public eye for a while. (As Hathaway herself put it in 2014, following her insufferably self-satisfied acceptance speeches for Les Misérables and her arrogant sniping at everyone from Amanda Seyfried to Katie Holmes: "My impression is that people needed a break from me." YES, ANNE. YES WE DID.) But even when she's undercover, Anne's still just awful. "Hathaway was on the Paramount lot last week shooting a Japanese commercial when she ordered breakfast—a poached egg, along with an English muffin and avocado," TMZ reports. And then? Hathaway sent her food back four times. The first try? "Poached egg too runny," TMZ notes. The second try? "English muffin was cold because it sat while egg #2 was being poached." Third? "Egg #2 cold because it sat while chef toasted muffin #2." Fourth? "Egg, muffin, and avocado were perfect, but it took so long she decided she was in the mood for a fried egg." AND SO... We leave you on that note, dears—with the heartening knowledge that no matter how badly your week is going, at least you don't have to deal with making Anne Hathaway breakfast.