MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 What's the best thing that's ever happened to no-name country singer Taylor Swift? Kanye West! After leaping onstage at the VMAs to drunkenly (and correctly) remind her that she will never... EVER... be Beyoncé, Swift has become the poster girl for...oh, we don't know... skinny white girls who will never ever be Beyoncé? Regardless, Kanye is currently PUBLIC ENEMY #1, and being shit-talked by everyone on the planet, including no less than two presidents. Not only did Barack Obama label him "a jackass" in an off-the-record comment, but former President Jimmy Carter also took a swipe at the rapper, calling his behavior "completely uncalled for" and that his punishment was "to appear on the new Jay Leno show." Geez, Jimmy. That's a harsh punishment even by Singapore standards. And yet? That's exactly what happened. On the debut episode of The Jay Leno Show, when the thick-chinned host asked Kanye what his dead mom would've thought about his behavior (stay classy, Jay!), West responded, "I need to take some time off and just analyze how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life...." Umm... you got drunk, jumped onstage, and insulted a no-name twink, Kayne—you're not exactly Bernie Madoff! (Can you please just go back to blogging how great you are, in all caps?) MEANWHILE! Rest in peace, actor/dancer/dreamboat Patrick Swayze, who passed away today at age 57, after a brave battle against pancreatic cancer. While much beloved for his performances in such cheese-tastic flicks as Dirty Dancing, Ghost, and our favorite, Skatetown U.S.A., Patrick was an actor who wasn't afraid to exhibit his masculine and feminine side: He could teach Baby the mambo in one movie, and drink deer blood with C. Thomas Howell in the next. That's a real man in our book. See you in the next life, Patrick. When we arrive, we hope you'll help keep us out of the corner.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 On the other hand, there are certain interrupters who should be more sorry, and aren't. Though he may have apologized to the president for squealing "You lie!" at last week's joint session of congress, Republican Representative Joe Wilson still refuses to say he was sorry for embarrassing everyone else in attendance—hence a formal "resolution of disapproval" was passed today against Wilson in the house. What's a "resolution of disapproval"? It's something between a very stern finger wag and a "tsk, tsk, tsk" that will go down on Wilson's permanent record. Of course, Wilson—being the racist fucking crybaby he is—expressed his disapproval of the house's disapproval. "When we are done here today, we will not have taken any further steps toward helping the nation deal with urgent challenges," the big racist fucking crybaby wailed to his colleagues. "It is time that we move forward, get back to work for the American people, and—"REP. WILSON, YOU LIE! (Actually, we don't know if he's lying or not, we just thought it would be fun to interrupt. Can you send us our "resolution of disapproval" via email?)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Jessica Simpson's dog got eaten by a coyote, you guys! Oh... hold on. As of this time we're not 100 percent certain Jess' five-year-old Maltipoo Daisy has actually been eaten yet. The news comes via America's favorite source for the dissemination of life-changing news and information, TWATTER! "A coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes," Jess twatted. "HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help." A source tells TMZ.com that Jessica is "still clinging to hope, because Daisy is 'fast'... and may have seized an opportunity to bolt from her captor." Jess has also employed the services of a lost dog service called FindToto.com (stop laughing, please), which "power dials 1,000 of Jessica's closest neighbors to alert them of Simpson's situation." What? No National Guard? And not to be cynical, but we think there's a strong chance Daisy paid the coyote to "kidnap" her, just so she wouldn't have to spend another second with this lonely blonde bimbo. Or she was eaten. One of the two.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Great, just what the world needs: more sexpot nannies. Nanny Stephanie Santoro has confessed to In Touch magazine that she had sex with boss Jon Gosselin (of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) a grand total of nine times—despite Jon's previous denials. According to Steph, Jon requested a massage (EW!) and then lured her into his hot tub (EW! EW!). After checking to make sure the kids were asleep, Jon allegedly led Steph to the apartment above their garage where the first of nine porkings took place. (Whoops, almost forgot... EWWWW!) Steph went on to tell the magazine that sex with Jon "wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I ever had." Cheer up, Jon. You still have the hot tub where you can drown your sorrows (and yourself).
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 "I've been given the gift of gab, so why not use it?" Kate Gosselin ominously threatened to the Charlotte Observer yesterday—confirming the terrifying rumors that the reality TV harpy is angling to get her own talk show. We can only hope it'll be called How to Neglect Your Children for Fun and Profit, and that it'll be co-hosted by Britney Spears, Nicole Richie, Joe Jackson, and that screeching woman who sat behind ourselves and Hubby Kip at Jennifer's Body with her chubby nine-year-old daughter, whose name was, believe it or not, "Ree-Ree." Put those parents on a show together where they could collectively offer wisdom? Ratings gold, people. Gold.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 Speaking of terrible parents, Courtney Love was caught with her pants down in New York this weekend, "when a guest at a party at the Standard Hotel opened an unlocked bathroom door and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her ankles." The New York Post interviewed the unwitting intruder—a pharmacist named Sebastian Karnaby—and, shockingly, his first words weren't "MY EYES MY EYES, IT BURNS IT BURNS." "She jumped on me, went crazy, and dragged me over to security by the arm claiming I'd attacked her," Karnaby recalled. "They were trying to calm her down, but she was out of control. She was like a possessed woman." Karnaby continued, "I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet. It wasn't a pretty sight." Godspeed, Pharmacist Karnaby. Godspeed. MEANWHILE... "After losing her beloved Maltipoo Daisy to a coyote attack, Jessica Simpson may be at the lowest point of her life," reports Us. "It's going to put her into a tailspin. It will put her into the worst place ever," a source told the rag, adding that Simpson has been refusing to leave her parents' house. "Daisy was perhaps one of the most pampered pets in Hollywood," Us continues. "Simpson fed Daisy steak, not dog food, and referred to herself as 'Daisy's Mommy'... She threw Daisy birthday parties, and when she talked about having a 'girls' night in' with a video, she was talking about herself and Daisy." When having relationship problems, Simpson "would cry herself to sleep at night, using Daisy as a pillow," another source told Us, and—in what now seems appears to be the understatement of the millennium—one of Simpson's friends explained, "Jessica has a very small inner circle." Mm-hmm. You don't say.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 So... what's David Hasselhoff been up to? Oh, you know, same old, same old: Freaking out his daughter by gettin' soused. Hasselhoff's 17-year-old, Hayley, called her mother, Pamela, today, reporting that the Hoff was "extremely drunk," according to TMZ.com. After one of Pamela's friends called 911, the Hoff was taken to a hospital—just like last May, when he was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning! But wait! Hasselhoff's people insist that's all a lie—according to them, the Hoff was merely being treated for an ear infection. IN A RELATED STORY... Bullshit.