MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9
Today in "OH NO HE DID NOT!": According to TMZ, rocker Gavin Rossdale—or rather Rossdale's conniving publicity team—attempted to leak some very shady information about his divorce from singer Gwen Stefani. He's alleging that, while they were still married, she had been cheating on him with her square-headed hillbilly co-judge from The Voice, Blake Shelton. This is almost certainly a bald-faced lie, as Mr. Gavin Rossdale is almost certainly the cheating piece of shit in this equation! Us Weekly says that in February, Gwen discovered that Gavin was banging the nanny—UGHHHH. Again with the nanny banging?—and it was another nanny that busted them! Apparently Gavin had been porking nanny Mindy Mann for three long years (including the time Gwen was pregnant—the cad!) but she discovered the evidence... on the family iPad! "The iPad was linked to Gavin's phone," a source told Us Weekly. "One of the other nannies discovered the exchange [of sexy texts and nude photos] and told Gwen." Okay... first of all, that running sound you hear is Hubby Kip dashing to see if his phone is linked to our iPad. Secondly, what kind of desperate shithead tries to distract the public with lies about his ex-wife (and Blake Shelton, see above) a few minutes before everyone finds out he was fucking the nanny for years? And while we're on the subject—guys! Stop with the nanny fucking already! Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ben Affleck, Ethan Hawke, Robin Williams, Jude Law, Jon Gosselin (from Jon & Kate Plus Eight)... they've all been busted mishandling the help. Now it's nothing but sad and BORING. It's time to start showing a little class—or at the very least, give your wives a pass to bang the gardener.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10
For the past couple of weeks, we've been spilling details from actress Leah Remini's new book, Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology, and in particular Tom Cruise's alleged KA-RAZY behavior (which includes screaming fits about being handed chipped mugs, as well as improperly prepared cookie dough). Unsurprisingly, Tom is not very happy about this... AT ALL. "He thinks it's a major betrayal," an insider tells Us Weekly, "and he's freaking out." So what's he going to do? Perhaps ask Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu to destroy her with his Suppressive Person Disintegration Ray (patent pending)? Nope! For this big of a job, he'll be consulting an even higher power: OPRAH! In order to defend himself against Remini's (probably true) accusations, according to Life & Style, he wants to be interviewed by Oprah herself. "He's worried that a more hostile journalist would try to paint him in a bad light," said a snoopy source. Wait... a bad light? Is he the only one that doesn't remember the last time he was on Oprah, and jumped on her couch like a crazy person? "I warned him not to do that!" Emperor Klaktu said via intergalactic holotube from his home planet of Rigel VII. "Besides, why should one go on Oprah when one has a Suppressive Person Disintegration Ray that's perfectly operational? Okay, fine. We're still beta testing it. But after disintegrating Gavin Rossdale, it should be good to go!"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11
Actress Jennifer Lawrence (who is perfect, BTW) was interviewed by Vogue and had the following to say about fellow Kentuckian (and justice-obstructing homophobe) Kim Davis. "She's the lady who makes me embarrassed to be from Kentucky," Lawrence said. "All those people holding their crucifixes, which may as well be pitchforks, thinking they're fighting the good fight. I grew up in Kentucky. I know how they are. I was raised a Republican, but I just can't imagine supporting a party that doesn't support women's basic rights. It's 2015 and gay people can get married and we think that we've come so far, so, yay! But have we? I don't want to stay quiet about that stuff." As we said before, "perfect."
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12
Speaking of Kentucky-like things, 19 Kids and Counting's Jessa Duggar and brainwashed hubby Ben Seewald have given birth to a baby boy, and here's what they named him: Spurgeon Elliot Seewald. First question: How can these people claim to believe in God, and name their child something like that? Are they that positive they can't be sent to hell? Second: The Duggars believe abortion is murder, but this is okay? Unless you absolutely despise human life, there isn't a logical reason to EVER name anyone or anything "Spurgeon." (Only possible exception: a sturgeon.)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13
And tonight everything went to shit. In the "worst peacetime attack in France since World War II," at least 129 people were killed and more than 300 were wounded in Paris, where gunmen and suicide bombers targeted "bars, restaurants, a concert, and a high-profile football match," the BBC reports. The attacks began with a gunman firing at the patrons of Paris bar Le Carillon before shooting at those dining at the nearby restaurant Le Petit Cambodge; at nearly the same time, more diners were killed at pizzeria La Casa Nostra. Meanwhile, multiple explosions rocked the soccer stadium Stade de France, where 80,000 people—including President François Hollande—were watching France play Germany. But "the 1,500-seat Bataclan concert hall suffered the worst of Friday night's attacks," the BBC continued. "Gunmen opened fire on a sell-out gig by US rock group Eagles of Death Metal, killing at least 80 people." "At first we thought it was part of the show, but we quickly understood," said radio presenter Pierre Janaszak, who was at the massacre. "They didn't stop firing. There was blood everywhere, corpses everywhere. We heard screaming. Everyone was trying to flee." The Islamic State claimed responsibility for the attacks. MEANWHILE... "France will be merciless in its response to the Islamic State militants," Hollande said, and will use "all means within the law" to fight back "on every battleground here and abroad, together with our allies." Those allies include America, and President Barack Obama spoke from the White House. "Once again, we've seen an outrageous attempt to terrorize innocent civilians," he said. "This is an attack not just on Paris, it's an attack not just on the people of France, but this is an attack on all of humanity and the universal values that we share." MEANWHILE... "The seemingly synchronized assaults that turned Paris into a war zone on Friday came just days after a bombing targeted a Shiite district of Beirut... and a Russian passenger jet was downed over Egypt," the New York Times points out. "The rapid succession of strikes, all claimed by the Islamic State, suggested that the regional war has turned into a global one."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Following French President Hollande's statement that the Paris attacks were "planned in Syria, organized in Belgium, perpetrated on our soil with French complicity," authorities have deduced that "Abdelhamid Abaaoud, a 27-year-old Belgian man who has fought in Syria for the Islamic State, was the mastermind of the Paris terrorist attacks," according to the New York Times, which spoke to an unnamed French official. While France remained in a state of emergency, the country launched airstrikes in Raqqa, Syria, dropping at least 20 bombs on Islamic State targets. France's retaliatory attacks were assisted by the United States—though, addressing the horrifying complexity of the situation, President Obama refused to give in to the right wing's insistence for a knee-jerk war. "Let's assume we were to send 50,000 troops into Syria," Obama said from the Group of 20 summit in Turkey. "What happens when there's a terrorist attack generated from Yemen? Do we then send more troops into there? Or Libya, perhaps?"
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15
The horrifying situation in Paris (and Lebanon, and Egypt) is hardly settled—but if we don't talk about something else for at least one second, we're going to start crying again. So! Amy Schumer, whatcha got? (Please have something, please have something... oh thank god she does.) Fans of Schumer's stand-up might be familiar with her anecdote about how when she was at a dinner party with Katie Couric, Couric left their table to talk to her husband—at which point Schumer snagged Katie's phone and used it to text Katie's husband "I wanna have anal tonight." Shortly thereafter, Couric and her husband returned—with Mr. Couric very eager to get home. God bless you, Amy, and god bless you for telling this story on The Tonight Show and to anyone else who'll listen—WAIT! THIS JUST IN! Page Six asked Couric about the incident, and Couric is not amused! (Or is she?) "Amy is talented, and it's flattering that she keeps dropping my name," she told the tabloid, "but I just want to put this behind me." (After this weekend, we're more than ready to believe that Katie Couric just made an anal sex joke.)