MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16.
Today in "News of the Bleurrghh": Actor/occasional raving nutbag Charlie Sheen admitted on the Today show that he's been diagnosed HIV-positive. Luckily for Charlie, this disease is no longer a death sentence—but it's pretty apparent he could've handled the situation a weeeee bit better. Charlie told Today's Matt Lauer he was diagnosed four years ago, and since then has given $10 million to blackmailers to STFU about his condition. The big question is, did Charlie tell his most recent 200 sex partners (according to TMZ) about his HIV status? The star claims he was always honest about his condition, and used condoms. Howeverrrrrr... that's not what at least six lawsuits are saying. Charles didn't help his case by issuing the following statement about the blackmailers that is oh-so-Charlie: "In and around this perplexing and difficult time," he wrote, "I dazedly chose (or hired) the companionship of unsavory and insipid types. [He means "hookers." —Ann] Regardless of their salt-less reputations, I always lead with condoms and honesty when it came to my condition. Sadly, my truth soon became their treason, as a deluge of blackmail and extortion took center stage in this circus of deceit." OHHH BROTHER! Charlie has also been busy wagging his finger at these "charlatans" who've allegedly taken millions out of the mouths of his precious five children. Mmmm... we've been following Charlie's horny antics for years, and didn't a substantial amount of that money go to hookers and blow? More on this "circus of deceit" as it develops.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17.
In other "unsavory and insipid types" news: After learning that Caitlyn Jenner was given Glamour's "Woman of the Year" award, the husband of a former recipient was so incensed the honor was given to a transgender woman that he returned the award. James Smith's wife Moira was a police officer who died protecting others during 9/11, and was given the "Woman of the Year" distinction posthumously. Unfortunately, hubby Smith has decided to sully her memory by dumping the award. "Was there no woman in America, or the rest of the world, more deserving than this man?" Smith wrote. "At a time when we have women in the armed forces fighting and dying for our country... brave women overcoming life-threatening diseases... is this the best you could do?" Smith fails to realize that Caitlyn Jenner is a woman—and an incredibly brave one, considering her circumstances. And it's really hard to believe that Moira would be proud of her former husband's actions. For their part, Glamour stands behind their decision. MEANWHILE... Soccer star David Beckham has been awarded People's 2015 Sexiest Man Alive. "I never feel that I'm an attractive, sexy person," said the obviously lying part-time underwear model. "Oh yeah?? Well, I'm returning my award!" screamed a not-quite-so-attractive-anymore Nick Nolte, 1992's "Sexiest Man Alive" winner, "...mostly because I think it was a mistake in the first place. [Sniff!]"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18.
So our mother called today. "Ann! Honey!" she squealed. "I've got the perfect item for your little gossip column!" Ugggghhhhh. What is it, mom? "Okay, get this: You know Carly Simon, that singer gal who wrote 'You're So Vain'?" Yes, mom, you sang that song on repeat through our entire childhood. "BECAUSE SHE'S A GODDAMNED GENIUS IS WHY. Anyway, I was reading in the People magazine that she's finally admitting who part of that song was about and it was...." Warren Beatty. "WARREN BEATT... wait, you already knew?" YES, MOM. Everyone already knew! That rumor's been around for 40 years, and no one cares anymore. "Well then, fine. I suppose you don't care about me anymore either." Of course I care about you, Mom! I love you! "Good. Then you can go shopping with me today at Chico's. See you in an hour. We'll pick you out a blouse." Ugggghhhhhh.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19.
As you recall, former Subway pitchman (oh, and creepy pedophile!) Jared Fogle admitted to repeatedly having sex with minors on the condition he wouldn't be sentenced to more than 12.5 years in prison. Happily, today US District Judge Tanya Walton Pratt said fuck you to that nonsense, and slapped him with a 15.6-year sentence. (Yesssss!) It didn't help when Jared's defense tried to blame his pedophilic tendencies on the Subway diet, claiming that sudden weight loss led to his "hyper-sexuality." (Yep, the judge called bullshit on that, too.) And even when Jared was crying about how he'd hurt his wife, Judge Tanya snapped back, "You gave your wife almost $7 million. She'll be okay." BOOM! So long, Jared—and somebody get that sassy judge a reality show!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20.
On Wednesday, two friends from Philly, Maher Khalil, 29, and Anas Ayyad, 28, were in Chicago, visiting each other's families. Meeting up at Midway airport, the two planned to fly back to Philly together—until "a passenger became nervous after overhearing them speak in Arabic," according to the Huffington Post. And thennnnn the gate agent "told them apologetically they wouldn't be allowed to board because a passenger was afraid to fly with them," NBC News reports. UGH. Okay, so after they were questioned by airport security and police, Khalil and Ayyad were allowed to board—at which point, unbelievably, "the discrimination continued," the Huffington Post adds. "Khalil was carrying a small box, and the passengers demanded that he open it.... Khalil obliged, and shared the baklava inside the box with the passengers on the plane." Maher and Anas, you're better men than that plane deserved—and everyone else on that plane certainly didn't deserve that baklava. ALAS... Depressingly, that was hardly the only bit of Islamophobia that occurred at a Chicago airport on Wednesday. "Six men were removed from a flight from Chicago to Houston after reportedly asking other passengers to switch seats so they could all sit together," the Huffington Post writes—and the plane's passengers told ABC News that the men removed were all of (wait for it...) Middle Eastern descent. The Huffington Post points out, "The two episodes in Chicago are part of a larger string of Islamophobic incidents in the US and Canada since the attacks in Paris last week," and we can't help but wonder: Where did America's assholes get the idea that this shameful behavior is in any way acceptable?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21.
Oh! Look! There's the answer to our question! Donald Trump had a particularly hate-fueled couple of days on the campaign trail—and as we're loath to give that shithead any more ink than necessary, let's get this over with. FIRST UP... a black Black Lives Matter protester was attacked at a Trump rally in Birmingham, Alabama, by "at least a half-dozen attendees," CNN reports. "At least one man punched the protester and a woman kicked him while he was on the ground. All of the attendees who were involved in the physical altercation with the protester were white." Trump's response? "Maybe he should have been roughed up." NEXT! At the same rally, Trump "suggested law enforcement keep an eye on certain Islamic houses of worship which, in his view, could pose terrorist threats," CNN notes—a statement that was apparently just what the "often raucous and approving crowd" wanted to hear. MOVING ON! On This Week, Trump said that as president, he would bring back waterboarding and "strong interrogation," which, as we all remember, dears, were two of the euphemisms the Bush administration used for fucking torturing people. "If it doesn't work," Trump later declared, "they deserve it anyway." THERE'S MORE! "I would certainly implement that. Absolutely," Trump said when asked by a reporter if he would set up a database to track Muslims. "We had expected a rise in Islamophobic rhetoric during the election cycle," Ibrahim Hooper, communications director for the Council on American-Islamic Relations, told the New York Times, "but we never thought it would hark back to the rhetoric of the 1930s." AND WE'RE NOT DONE YET! "There were people that were cheering on the other side of New Jersey where you have large Arab populations," Trump said of 9/11. "They were cheering as the World Trade Center came down." Except, you know, they weren't, and god bless you, Jersey City Mayor Steven Fulop. "Trump is plain wrong, and he is shamefully politicizing an emotionally charged issue," Fulop told ABC News. "Trump needs to understand that Jersey City will not be part of his hate campaign."
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22.
Moving on from hateful demagogues, let's talk of actual terrorists: Keeping Up with the Kardashians stars Kendall and Kylie Jenner, who, according to E!, "got more than they bargained for while making an appearance at a mall in Australia to promote their... new clothing line." And what did they get? They got egged! Well, almost—turns out that while an egg-carrying 25-year-old suspect hero threw eggs from the mall's upper level, "the Jenner women weren't on stage at the time of the incident." Still, it's the thought that counts! Aussies! Give that woman... we don't know. Whatever Australia's equivalent of the Purple Heart is? It's probably just an adorable baby koala. Yes. That! Get that woman an adorable baby koala immediately.