JENNIFER ANISTON Wait... whose hand is that?!?

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30

In "chastity" news: According to Us Weekly, former NFL quarterback, Christian, and avowed virgin Tim Tebow—who bragged to the world that he was saving himself for marriage—has reportedly been dumped by his Miss Universe girlfriend Olivia Culpo because he refused to have sex with her. We have nothing else to add, except for perhaps "ha-ha-ha" and the inclusion of a sad trombone sound. MEANWHILE... Annoying model Kylie Jenner was taken to task for her photo spread in Interview magazine in which she's dressed in fetish PVC wear and sitting in a wheelchair. "@KylieJenner wow being in a wheelchair is so fun and fashionable!" wrote Ophelia Brown on Twitter (who paired it with a pic of herself in her actual wheelchair). Meanwhile 24-year-old Erin Tatum (who uses a wheelchair due to cerebral palsy) took a picture of herself dressed in an outfit similar to Kylie's, which also made a splash on the internet—in a more positive way. Underneath Erin's photo of herself she wrote, "I can barely get people to make eye contact with me, let alone land a cover shoot. If being in a wheelchair is trendy now, I've apparently been a trendsetter since before Kylie was born." Interview magazine responded to the outrage by saying something stupid, derivative, and of little interest.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1

Everyone, heave a sigh of relief: Actor Leonardo DiCaprio was not—repeat not—raped by a bear. Wait... correction! He was not raped twice by a bear. According to a report in the always suspect Drudge Report, Leo is raped twice by an angry bear in the upcoming Oscar-bait film The Revenant. "The bear flips Leo over and thrusts and thrusts during the explicit mauling," the report states. This spawned a hilarious rebuttal from Fox Studio, to wit: "As anyone who has seen the movie can attest, the bear in the film is a female.... There is clearly no rape scene with a bear." Phew! Glad that's cleared up. Our condolences to Matt Drudge, who really seemed super interested in seeing Leo DiCaprio being raped by a bear. (Maybe you should see a therapist about that?)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2

This morning a man and a woman walked into San Bernardino's Inland Regional Center—a social services provider—and killed 14 people and wounded 21 others during a holiday lunch party. While the couple had ties to radical Islam, the full reasoning behind the murders remains a mystery. "A number of things in this case don't make sense," FBI director James B. Comey told the New York Times. The case—which was one of two mass shootings today (the other in Savannah, GA) and the 355th of the year—is still under investigation. MEANWHILE... As Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton composed tweets about our government's failure to enact proper gun control, Republicans fell back on their go-to phrases following these repeated tragedies with "prayers" and "thoughts." From Ted Cruz: "Our prayers are with the victims...." Chris Christie: "Praying for all those victimized...." Ben Carson: "My thoughts and prayers are with the shooting victims...." Mike Huckabee: "Praying for those impacted...." Rand Paul: "My thoughts and prayers are with the victims...." And so on. Senator Chris Murphy (D-Conn) responded to these toothless "prayers" by tweeting, "Your 'thoughts' should be about steps to take to stop this carnage. Your 'prayers' should be for forgiveness if you do nothing—again." MEANWHILE... Two days after this tragedy, presidential wannabe Ted Cruz held an event at an Iowa indoor shooting range, where he said, "You don't get rid of the bad guys by getting rid of our guns. You get rid of the bad guys by using our guns." (Note: A day before this event, Cruz voted against legislation that would've kept guns out of the hands of those on the no-fly anti-terrorist list. Because? GUNS.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3

In better news, actor Nicolas Cage is being credited with helping cops find Alexis Boroviak, a 15-year-old missing teen... wait, WHAT? According to TMZ, the girl's stepdad, Britton Ramsey, saw Cage on the street and asked the star to take a picture holding a photo of Alexis. The picture quickly went viral and the exposure eventually helped lead police to the girl's kidnapper and her safe rescue. Thanks to Nicolas Cage, a real American hero! (And no, that doesn't mean we forgive you for The Wicker Man... or Ghost Rider... or The Sorcerer's Apprentice... or [to be continued]).

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4

Oh thank god. "Alex Pettyfer Reveals Why He Decided to Open Up About His Feud with Channing Tatum," declares People! GASP! Go on. After whining on a podcast that Tatum "does not like me," Pettyfer ran to People to cite Pettyfer's "reclusive nature" and "an incident involving unpaid rent to a friend of Tatum's" for the feud, which has clearly been tearing him apart. "Those mistakes are a great thing to move forward from," Pettyfer continued, "as long as you learn from those experiences and move forward in a positive way to actually learn from those and not [make] them again." Phew. We have to imagine Channing Tatum is so relieved to hear it—indeed, he must feel as if a massive weight had been lifted from his (broad, toned, perfect) shoulders. We feel exactly the same way, dears, and we're sure you do too—or at least we will once we figure out who the fuck Alex Pettyfer is.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5

When Jennifer Aniston (who still glares at us whenever we call her "Rachel") and Justin Theroux (who is apparently on The Leftovers?) were attempting to enjoy their "lavish honeymoon getaway" in Bora Bora, something went horribly awry! (Besides everyone in Bora Bora constantly pointing at Jennifer Aniston and shouting "Rachel! Rachel!" Keep it up, Bora Borans!) The tragedy occurred thusly: While scuba diving, Theroux found his oxygen tank running low—and his diving instructor, who didn't speak English, didn't seem concerned at all. (Probably because he's had to sit through The Leftovers.) "I look down and I'm really deep in the red," Theroux said of his not-so-death-defying event on Live with Kelly and Michael—and when Thoreaux finally got the instructor to hook up an emergency respirator, it malfunctioned, leaving him, he says, "coughing and hacking underwater." (As opposed to being a hack on The Leftovers, we assume.) Theroux then says his brain went to "a crazy place" (possibly the same place where marrying Jennifer Aniston seemed like a good idea?), and he thought the worst. "Oh my god," Theroux remembers thinking. "This is like some plot to kill me on my honeymoon!" Except, you know, it wasn't, and he just swam to the surface, and he was fine. Congrats on surviving another incredibly dangerous day as a pampered, insanely rich person, Mr. Rachel! We look forward to hearing more of your insane conspiracy theories in the future.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6

This evening President Barack Obama spoke from the Oval Office, calling the California shooting "an act of terrorism designed to kill innocent people." But even as he promised more airstrikes against the Islamic State, he urged Americans not to veer toward hate. "We cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and Islam," he said. "That does not mean denying the fact that an extremist ideology has spread within some Muslim communities. This is a real problem that Muslims must confront, without excuse.... I know that after so much war," Obama added, "many Americans are asking whether we are confronted by a cancer that has no immediate cure. The threat from terrorism is real, but we will overcome it." Obama also put forth a short-term solution: Despite the fact some Americans will inevitably "reject any gun safety measures," he called for ways to make it "harder for [mass-shooters] to kill." MEANWHILE... In the New York Times' first front-page editorial since 1920, the paper's editorial board took a stronger stance. "It is a moral outrage and a national disgrace that civilians can legally purchase weapons designed specifically to kill people with brutal speed and efficiency," they wrote. "These are weapons of war, barely modified and deliberately marketed as tools of macho vigilantism and even insurrection. America's elected leaders offer prayers for gun victims and then, callously and without fear of consequence, reject the most basic restrictions on weapons of mass killing." Pointing out that "No right is unlimited and immune from reasonable regulation," the paper called for a common-sense measure: Outlawing guns "like the slightly modified combat rifles used in California, and certain kinds of ammunition" for civilians. "It is possible to define those guns in a clear and effective way," the Times wrote, "and, yes, it would require Americans who own those kinds of weapons to give them up for the good of their fellow citizens."