MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Hope you brought your swimsuit, because you're about to be waterboarded with the latest juicy gab from Gossipville! Unbelievable as it may sound, the somewhat less obnoxious member of Jon & Kate Plus Eight—that would be hubby/doughboy Jon Gosselin—is finding himself on the losing side of his divorce battle with wife/harpy Kate Gosselin. It was revealed today that TLC—the network that broadcasts their show—is giving Jon the heave-ho, and renaming the program Kate Plus Eight. A lip-slippy source tells People, "Given Jon's recent antics [like dating a spate of unattractive slut-bags, including his kids' nanny], there was no way the show could continue to portray him as a doting dad—not while all this other crap [another reference to the slut-bags] was going on." However, Jon's not going down without a fight! Momentarily removing his penis from his harem of slut-bags, Jon has slammed the brakes on his divorce to Kate! Team Jon submitted a motion this morning to suspend divorce proceedings for 90 days, telling In Touch weekly that Jon had "used poor judgment in publicly socializing with other women [the previously mentioned slut-bags] so soon," and would "like to get back with Kate as a partner in parenting." However, a source tells E! News that the motion was "not an emotional or romantic decision" at all, but actually a sneaky "legal and PR strategy" designed to get back on the show, and ensure he doesn't get completely screwed over in the divorce. YOU DON'T SAY. Since any judge would have to be pretty thick to buy that load of baloney, we think Jon should go ahead with the divorce and pitch a new show of his own: Jon Minus Kate Plus an Unconfirmed Number of Slutbags. MEANWHILE... In other TV news, on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live, new cast member Jenny Slate accidentally said "the f-word." Oh, FUCK!!!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 In an ickily related story, apparently there's a show on television entitled So You Think You Can Dance, and in tonight's episode, a contestant allegedly flashed her vaheena. Apparently the contestant was in the middle of her audition when her vaheena suddenly decided to be just like Leroy Johnson in Fame and steal the show. Head judge, executive producer, and weird British person Nigel Lythgoe claims not to have noticed the genitalia's debut, saying, "None of us knew she did this. The show was always designed to expose talent, but not in this way." Dear Nigel: Quotes like that are why regular people hate British people. However, after a quick chat with the network's standards and practices department, Nigel decided to update his glib remark, claiming that after intense scrutiny of the vaheena in question, the vaheena was not a vaheena at all, but in fact, "It is a crease in the young lady's panties." Dear Nigel: Quotes like that are why regular people think British people are pervert people.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Oh, sweet lord in heaven... can it be true? Us magazine reports the best news we've heard since Walgreens had a two-for-one sale on Jolen Bleaching Cream: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are SPLITSVILLE! Now, do not mistake us for a minute—we shall always owe our complete and utter devotion to George Clooney (stop tsk-tsking... Hubby Kip knew this before we were married). However, if George were to be suspiciously murdered while in the sinewy clutches of that admittedly gorgeous whore Elisabetta Canalis, then what choice would we have but to turn our slightly creepy affections toward JT? THIS JUST IN... Internet gossip sites are suddenly postulating that Justin has already set his sights on a new gal-pal, sultry pop siren Rihanna! (Girl, you need to back up off our Justin. We make Chris Brown look like an asthmatic Girl Scout.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1 "I'm glad you folks are here tonight, and I'm glad you're in such a pleasant mood, because I have a little story that I would like to tell you," David Letterman told his surprised studio audience on tonight's Late Show. Letterman then recalled the events of the past three weeks, in which 48 Hours producer Joel Halderman allegedly attempted to blackmail him for $2 million, claiming he had evidence of Letterman cheating on his longtime girlfriend—now his wife—by sleeping with Late Show employees, including one of Halderman's ex-girlfriends. Halderman's plan backfired, though, when Letterman turned Halderman in to the cops and then confessed on the air. "I have had sex with women who worked on this show," Letterman said in his earnest, funny, and awkward admission. "It's been a very bizarre experience," he said. "I feel like I need to protect these people, I feel like I need to protect my family, I need to protect myself, I hope to protect my job, and the friends, [and] everybody that has been very supportive through this, and I don't plan to say much more about this particular topic." (Okay, maybe this isn't the best time to admit this, but aside from George and Justin? We would totally do Dave. If the Merc ever goes under, we'll be applying at the Late Show.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2 We know it's yesterday's news and all, but still—the way Dave handled his scandal? Classy, people. Classy. Roman Polanski, on the other hand? Creepy, people. Creepy. Since last week, when he was finally arrested for drugging and sodomizing a 13-year-old in 1977, Polanski's been flooded with bewildering support from France and Hollywood. A petition begging for Polanski's release, started by France's Société des Auteurs et Compositeurs Dramatiques (can somebody sound that out? Aside from "escargot" and "Coco Chanel," it all looks the same to us), has been signed by a whole lot of people who should know a whole lot better, including Wes Anderson, Martin Scorsese, David Lynch, Terry Gilliam, Pedro Almodóvar, Guillermo del Toro, Gael García Bernal, Alfonso Cuarón, Darren Aronofsky, Tilda Swinton, Penélope Cruz, Wong Kar-wai, and (quelle surprise!) Woody Allen. Meanwhile, another petition—this one from the journal La Règle du jeu—claimed Polanski should be released because he's "Seventy-six years old, a survivor of Nazism, and of Stalinist persecutions in Poland," and, besides, why should he be accountable for "deeds which would be beyond the statute-of-limitations in Europe"? This petition was signed by Milan Kundera, Isabelle Huppert, Sam Mendes, Neil Jordan, Steven Soderbergh, Mike Nichols, and Salman Rushdie. UGH. Just... ugh. Dear everyone who signed these petitions: You're confused about who the victim in this case is. (Hint: It's not Chimo McPedophile.)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3 "Senior staff members of the United Nations nuclear agency have concluded in a confidential analysis that Iran has acquired 'sufficient information to be able to design and produce a workable' atom bomb," the New York Times reported today. MEANWHILE... Uh-oh.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4 Remember on Monday, when Jon Gosselin was acting all mopey and contrite? Wellllll... being mopey and contrite wasn't all he was doing! Says, Jon "appeared on Larry King Live last week with his lawyer Mark Heller and said he had an epiphany, adding: 'I want Kate and I to mediate. I want us to become friends.' But within hours of uttering those words, Jon was withdrawing several hundred thousand dollars from his joint bank account with Kate without her knowledge, leaving his estranged wife with only $1,000." MEANWHILE... Whew. Rough week! This week, in fact, has more or less decimated the teensy-tiny shred of faith we had in humanity to begin with, and as you well know, there's only one fix for that: We're gonna make Hubby Kip shake us up a martini, and we're gonna kick off these heels, we're gonna watch some True Blood, and, if all goes according to plan, in a few hours we'll forget we ever heard the words "Polanski," "Gosselin," and "a crease in the young lady's panties." We encourage you to do the same, dears. Godspeed.