MONDAY, DECEMBER 28
Christmas is a time to remember those less fortunate than the rest of us. Conversely, it's also a time to remember that Kim Kardashian is obscenely fortunate. According to Us Weekly, Kim received a whopping 150 (not a typo) Christmas gifts under the tree from hubby Kanye West, including a "rainbow-hued fur coat, a Louis Vuitton dress, a Prada jumpsuit, and more." So how does Kanye West have time to shop for 150 prezzies? Good question! Answer: He had his very unlucky personal assistant do all the work for him, and approve the purchases over Skype. When reached for comment, Baby Jesus said, "Maybe if we'd had Skype back then, I wouldn't have been stuck with this shitty frankincense and myrrh." MEANWHILE... In other depressing Christmas news, recently splitzo couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have decided to spend the holidays faking it. Us magazine reports the pair have chosen to live together over Thanksgiving and Christmas to keep things as "normal" as possible for their children. However... "They are almost never alone together without the kids," said a snoopy inside source about the pair, who separated last June after it was discovered Ben had been banging the nanny. Currently he's been banished to the mansion's guesthouse, popping in only to join Jen in presenting a "united front"—which is to say plastering strained smiles on their faces while desperately trying to hide the deceit, treachery, shame, and roiling fury just behind their dead eyes. Congrats, kids! We bet you had the best Christmas EVER.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29
Well it took them six months, but the homophobic Oregon bakers from Sweet Cakes by Melissa finally paid $135,000 in state-ordered damages after refusing to make a wedding cake for a lesbian couple due to their so-called "religious beliefs." They found out the hard way that Oregon law bars businesses from discriminating against those in the LGBT community. But! Don't assume this $135,000 penalty will change their minds or drive them into much-deserved bankruptcy—as of September they had already raised more than half a million dollars via crowd funding from gay-hating supporters. Apparently it pays to be a bigot. MEANWHILE... We suppose it was just a matter of time, but today In Touch magazine blared the headline we've all been sadly expecting: "Pregnant! Blake & Gwen's Baby Joy." It was only last August that Gwen Stefani announced she was divorcing hubby Gavin Rossdale for banging the nanny. (Hey Gavin! Maybe you and Ben Affleck can share a guesthouse, and star in a Bosom Buddies-style sitcom.) Then it was only in late October that The Voice co-judges Blake Shelton and Gwen were spotted holding hands at Adam Levine's Halloween party. SO YEAH, it's a little early for a pregnancy rumor, don't ya think? (And you wonder why people are so distrustful of the gossip media machine!)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30
By all accounts, this was kind of a shitty year—but we might... just might... end 2015 on a wee bit of a high note: Bill Cosby was finally issued an arrest warrant today for allegedly drugging and sexually assaulting former Temple University employee Andrea Constand in 2004. Many of Cosby's numerous accusers are unable to take their cases to court due to expired statutes of limitations, but Constand's case isn't expiring until January, prompting the Pennsylvania district attorney to issue charges against the comedian. We're positive Cosby will once again label this a grand conspiracy while throwing scads of money at the problem to make it disappear, but until then? Let's end 2015 on these sweet, sweet words: Bill Cosby was arraigned today, had his mug shot taken, and bail was set at $1 million. Ahhhhhh....
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31
Damn it, once again we spoke too soon! We thought we'd end 2015 on a high note, and would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling militiamen. In the far-flung reaches of Burns, Oregon, a father/son ranching duo has been ordered to federal prison for illegally burning public land. However, because they hate everything to do with "the gum'mint," armed self-styled militia members ran to Burns to "protect" the ranchers and make a stand similar to the 2014 incident starring Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy. It was quickly discovered that the ranchers and the townsfolk of Burns wanted nothing to do with these homegrown terrorists, and yet? They decided to stick around anyway, bore everyone with long-winded lectures on "tyranny," AND take over a nearby federal wildlife refuge headquarters. As of press time, they're still there, the townsfolk hate them, the internet is pointing and laughing, and law enforcement is mostly ignoring them. Sooooo... the situation couldn't get much more embarrassing for these macho shithead bald eagle fetishists. OR COULD IT?
FRIDAY, JANUARY 1
Meanwhile, in places that weren't Oregon's high desert, there were New Year's Eve parties! We know, because we still have a hangover. (Ouch. Do you mind reading this a bit more quietly? Thx.) Always subtle, Leonardo DiCaprio hosted a bash on a yacht in St. Barts—where a shirtless Justin Bieber performed, after asking attendees, "Who wants to have a good new year? Who has a good New Year's resolution? Who was once not a Belieber, and now is?" Heavy sigh. So apparently 2016 isn't going to be any better after all. "DiCaprio reportedly had a private chef on-hand to cook pizza and truffle pasta until 5 am," People reports, and if you'll excuse us, the thought of truffle pasta is going to make us throw up, so... MOVING ON... At Byron Bay's Falls Festival in Australia, on-again/off-again couple Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth were apparently very much on-again in public view, while in Miami, Drake and former Kanye paramour Amber Rose were seen together yet again—though, perhaps to confound gossip hounds such as ourselves, "there was no public display of affection," says People. We were going to put a joke here but frankly, we're just going to lie down for a minute with a cool washcloth over our eyes. Ah. That's better.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 2
"Please stop debating whether or not I aged well," badass Carrie Fisher tweeted earlier this week. "Unfortunately it hurts all three of my feelings." Fisher was responding to internet jackasses who have been hectoring the author, screenwriter, and actress about her appearance in Star Wars: The Force Awakens—pointing out that Fisher, now 59, doesn't look exactly as she did in 1983's Return of the Jedi. (If you're wondering whether online misogynists also harassed Harrison Ford or Mark Hamill about their looks... well, you already know the answer to that one.) Apparently, jackasses, this needs to be said, so fine, we'll say it: Not only does Fisher look great in the movie, she's also fantastic as General Leia. (Yes, dears, Hubby Kip made us go to Star Wars—and yes, just like everyone else, we loved it. Now let us never speak of this again, nerds.) "Youth and beauty are not accomplishments," Fisher later tweeted, pointing out they're the "temporary" and "happy" byproducts of time and DNA, and reminding us that she's pretty much the best.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 3
"In other countries we call them 'terrorist organizations.' Here they're 'domestic militias.' (Only if white! Otherwise: gangs, rioters.)" So tweeted author Chuck Wendig as the bizarre standoff in rural Oregon continued—with the paranoid halfwits vowing to hunker down "for years." (Years! Dears, you can't make this shit up.) But cracks are beginning to show in these brave patriots' battle plans! Sure, to outside observers, they appear to be doing just fine—what with their posturing, their posing, their gun-fondling, and their poorly worded/spelled/capitalized signs. (Our fave at the site: "BLM: Another Intrusive Tyranical [sic] Goverment [sic] Entity Doing What They Do Best ABUSING POWER & Oppressing the Backbone of America.") But these noble freedom fighters have already encountered an ominous obstacle: They forgot to bring snacks. "It has emerged that before the group even got to the site, one of their number put out a call on Facebook for 'supplies and snacks,'" the Independent reports. In other words, these guys could really go for some Fruit Roll-Ups or some Go-Gurt right about now. ("Please send them to the address above," the Facebook post pleads. "There is also a donation tab at rogueinfidel.com." Haha, holy shit, dears, you cannot make this shit up.) So stand tall and stay strong, o brave freedom fighters! Do not go gentle into that good night! We have no doubt you'll overthrow our "Tyranical Goverment" any day now—so long as someone sends you some string cheese, or maybe some Lunchables.