MONDAY, JANUARY 18
Happy Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, and here's today's pro tip: When referencing Mr. King's great accomplishments, maybe DON'T make comparisons to your own impressive Instagram numbers. It was High School Musical dreamboat Zac Efron who made the gaffe, tweeting to his followers, "I'm grateful for a couple of things today: Martin Luther King Jr & 10 million followers on IG." Let's not make this a competition, Zac! While we're certain Mr. King would've had at least 10 million Instagram followers were he alive today, no one will ever touch the artistic, horny beauty of your washboard abs. AND IN A RELATED STORY... The Academy Awards are in trouble for nominating only white actors—and for the second year in a row. Reacting to internet fury (and the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag), the Academy has promised to recruit more diverse members into its ranks. Nevertheless, the awards are being boycotted by Spike Lee as well as Hollyweird power couple Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. While some claim that Will's beef stems from the Academy ignoring his performance in Concussion, he begs to differ. "This is so deeply not about me," Will said on Good Morning America. "At this point, the Academy is 94 percent Caucasian and 77 percent male. It's just difficult to get a diverse cultural sampling from that group." Host/comedian Chris Rock has also been asked to boycott the ceremony, but according to Naughty Gossip, the comedian is convinced he can "make a difference from inside," adding that, "Chris has already started to write white people jokes for the show." And suddenly our interest level in the Oscars has leapt 500 gazillion percent.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 19
As we gleefully snarked a couple of weeks ago, former lovebirds Miley "Those TEETH" Cyrus and Liam "No, My Brother Is Thor" Hemsworth were once again spotted tongue wrassling over New Year's. Since then? Things have progressed! Not only has Miley been spotted in public wearing her old engagement ring, TMZ reports the pair have already moved in together. Photogs spotted Miley and friends unloading a U-Haul truck at Liam's Malibu pad, and carrying many of her earthly belongings—which we assume includes that big foam #1 finger she rubbed in between her legs at the 2013 VMAs. (Why isn't that in the Smithsonian?) MEANWHILE... Big thumbs-up emojis to hunky actor Jamie Foxx who—NBD—jumped into a burning car to save an accident victim. The truck reportedly crashed, overturned, and burst into flames outside of Foxx's Hidden Valley residence, inspiring the actor and another onlooker to pull the trapped driver to safety. In a related story, Foxx has yet to respond to our cries of help to save us from being trapped inside our bra—which while not literally on fire is wicked hot.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20
Today in "News of the NOT": Actor and white Oscar nominee Leonardo DiCaprio did NOT... repeat NOT... have sex with hiphop goddess Rihanna in Paris recently. The pair was spotted looking cozy at the L'Arc nightclub this past weekend, and despite the desperate wishes of every tabloid in the world, Leo and Rihanna did NOT have wild, unimaginably hot sex with each other. (But that won't stop us from writing fanfic about it!) MEANWHILE IN OTHER "NOT" NEWS... Rapper Kanye West is NOT... repeat NOT... going to record a cover album of the late David Bowie's music. Multiple media outlets reported that West was planning on a recording a tribute record, leading to a magnitude-8.5 quake of internet OUTRAGE. As it turns out, though he's a huge fan, Kanye has no intention of recording a Bowie cover album, which now gives him plenty of time to focus on his true passion: reading our "Leo/Rihanna Hot Sex Fanfic" page.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 21
This probably won't strike anyone as "surprising," but musician R. Kelly is defending accused rapist Bill Cosby. For those who have trouble recalling the early '00s, in 2002 Kelly was charged with 14 counts of child pornography, including filming himself having sex with (and urinating on) a minor. Six years later he was proclaimed not guilty of all charges, based largely on the poor quality of the videotape. So what does Kelly think of the many accusations being thrown at Cosby? "If God showed me that [the victims] were telling the truth, I would say that's wrong," Kelly told GQ. "But God would have to do that, because God is the only one can show me that." When contacted for a response, God said, "Oh, and I suppose I have to tell you not to pee on kids, too?"
FRIDAY, JANUARY 22
"I looked, and behold, an ashen horse, and he who sat on it had the name Death; and Hades was following with him. Authority was given to them over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and famine and with pestilence and by the wild beasts of the earth." So speaketh... someone... somewhere in the Bible, and so it cometh true! Earlier this week, Donald Trump trotted out his latest endorsement: The one and (thankfully) only Sarah Palin, who emerged from the wilds of Alaska to remind the world how annoying and stupid America can be. (Sorry, world!) A few select bits from her befuddling Trump stump speech follow, and before we go any further, it's probably best you take a swig from your your flask. (We know we just did.) (Twice.) These are out of context, dears, but we promise—it's not like they made any more sense in context. (1) In which Palin discusses the Republican base: "How about the rest of us? Right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religion, and our Constitution." (2) We aren't sure what this is about, honestly: "Well, and then, funny, ha ha, not funny, but now, what they're doing is wailing, 'Well, Trump and his Trumpeters, they're not conservative enough.'" (3) This is about Obama, somehow, we think? "And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he decided that 'No, America would apologize as part of the deal,' as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they then capture and we kowtow, and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, 'Thank you, enemy.'" Phew. It... it is exhausting to have Palin back. We mean, don't get us wrong—she's like a Kardashian and a Lohan and a Nixon all rolled into one! For the sake of our gossip column, at least, it's great she's back! Maybe not for the sake of America. (Sorry, world!)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 23
And—as is her obnoxious wont—Sarah Palin is sticking around for a while. Or at least her horrible family is! Turns out the day before Palin's insane speech on Trump's behalf, her 26-year-old son Track was arrested at his parents' house, where he also lives, for allegedly beating up his girlfriend and waving around a rifle. According to the Washington Post, Track's girlfriend, Jordan Loewe, "called 911 to say that Track had punched her in the face and that he had a firearm." While police found Loewe hiding under a bed, they found Track outside, with "a strong odor of alcohol on his breath and person." A rough narrative evolved: After drunk driving home from a friend's house with Loewe, Track brandished his AR-15 rifle, causing Loewe to worry he was going to shoot himself. Then—charmer that he is—he punched Loewe in the head and kicked her while she was down. Track, who served a tour of duty in Iraq, had a blood-alcohol level of .189 and was released on a $1,500 bond. We're confident that Sarah Palin will address this issue with the sensitivity and nuance it deserves.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 24
"Sarah Palin appeared to suggest... that her son's arrest this week on domestic violence charges stemmed from the effects of PTSD as a soldier and blamed President Obama for not providing adequate care for veterans," USA Today reports. (Thanks, Obama!) USA Today added that Palin noted her son had come back "hardened" from Iraq. "It makes me realize more than ever," Palin told a crowd, "it is now or never for the sake of America's finest that we have a commander-in-chief who will respect them." Right. Exactly. Like Trump, we assume. IN RELATED NEWS... Ugh, this week was the worst. Let's all keep our fingers crossed, dears, that next week will be better. Or at least have fewer Palins.
*Swigs from flask*
*Okay three times*