MONDAY, JANUARY 25
In a world where people disagree on so many things, it's comforting to know there are things we all accept as immutable fact—for example, the Earth being round, and... WAIT! This just in! Rapper B.o.B. spent much of last night trying to convince his millions of Twatter followers that, in actuality, the world is flat. [Insert sad trombone sound here.] Apparently B.o.B. is convinced NASA and the government are involved in a massive cover-up that includes space launches, moon landings, fourth-grade science books, and anything else you can imagine. So where's his proof? According to B.o.B., if you look out at the horizon, it's a straight line—so WHERE IS THE CURVE OF THE EARTH?? (Let's pause to call an ambulance, just in case your sides are splitting from laughter.) Happily, astrophysicist and idiocy debunker Neil deGrasse Tyson jumped into the fray, easily murdering B.o.B.'s childish theories with things called "facts." (Tyson also added, "Being five centuries regressed in your reasoning doesn't mean we all can't still like your music." OUCH.) At this point, B.o.B. should've disconnected his Twatter account, and re-enrolled in basic science classes... but instead? B.o.B. wrote and released a Neil deGrasse Tyson diss track. (Should we pause again? The ambulance is almost here.) Called "Flatline," the track claims Tyson is colluding with the government ("Neil Tyson need to loosen up his vest/They'll probably write that man one hell of a check"), among other bone-headed conspiracy theories. The bad news? Apparently B.o.B. has learned NOTHING from his well-deserved smackdown. But on the bright side? The GOP is always looking for new candidates who think just like they do.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 26
Speaking of conspiracy nutjobs, eight members of the Y'all Qaeda "militia" who commandeered the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge nearly a month ago were arrested today, just north of Burns, Oregon. According to the FBI, the group members were in two vehicles travelling to a meeting when they were stopped on the highway. The lead vehicle tried to escape but hit a snowbank, at which point occupier/spokesman LaVoy Finicum jumped out "brandishing a firearm" and was shot and killed. The rest of the group (including brothers Ammon and Ryan Bundy) were charged with "conspiracy to impede officers from their official duties" and transported to Portland to face arraignment. Upon arrival, the militants were immediately labeled "the worst transplants EVER" and sentenced to multiple guest appearances on Portlandia.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27
Word to the wise: Never start a rap beef with Kanye West, because his greatest weapon is boring you to death. When Wiz Khalifa called out Kanye for naming his new album Waves—which along with "wavy" was slang originally popularized by Harlem rapper Max B—Kanye went characteristically INSANE, launching into no less than a 17-part Twatter rant. Let's pick a few at random, shall we? "3rd no one I know has ever listened to one of your albums all the way through," Kanye spit at Wiz. This was followed by "4th you let a stripper trap you"—a reference to Kanye's former girlfriend Amber Rose who later married Wiz. (More on her later.) Then there was "6th don't ever come out the side of your neck at me." (Sounds like good advice!) "7th I am your OG and I will be respected as such." (Sure thing, gramps. Don't choke on your Werther's.) And then there's this confusing entry: "8th I made it so we could wear tight jeans." (Is this something that should be bragged about?) Anyway, this went on for another nine tweets, and could've stopped there... until the aforementioned Amber Rose dropped in, dropped a devastating tweet, and dropped the mic. "Awwww @kanyewest," she wrote. "Are u mad I'm not around to play in ur asshole anymore? #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch." Cue every jaw in the world hitting the floor! [Next time on Days of Our Lives: Kim holds up her hand and tells Kanye, "Don't even ask! I just got a manicure."]
THURSDAY, JANUARY 28
Will the bizarre rap beefs ever stop? Today's beef du jour: Millennial yuppie creep Martin Shkreli vs. Wu-Tang Clan's Ghostface Killah! As you recall Martin is the walking piece of excrement who astronomically jacked up the price of a much-needed AIDS drug (he's currently on bail after being charged with securities fraud). He also bought a Wu-Tang album for $2 million, just so he could keep it allll for himself. Ghostface responded by calling Martin the "Michael Jackson nose kid" (HA!)... and so our beef begins! Today Martin made a "diss video" in which he threatens to digitally erase all of Ghostface's contributions from the album he exclusively owns. (HEAVY SIGH.) Thanks a lot, Kanye, B.o.B., and Martin Shkreli—you've officially ruined rap beefs FOREVER.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 29
While Portlanders have gotten used to the ludicrously rich family that owns the Timbers throwing their weight around the city, it turns out Paul Allen—the ludicrously rich owner of another Portland sports team, the Blazers—is throwing his... yacht... around the... Cayman Islands? Okay, maybe that analogy didn't hold up perfectly, so let's quickly go to the Guardian, which reveals "Microsoft Co-Founder's Yacht Tears Up Protected Coral Reef in Cayman Islands"! According to the Guardian, Allen's 300-foot "superyacht" (the $100 million MV Tatoosh, which boasts five decks, a movie theater, a swimming pool, and, just like an old-timey Western town, a saloon), plowed into "a sensitive reef in the Cayman Islands, destroying the majority of coral on the protected ecosystem." 14,000 square feet of coral reef—about 80 percent of the islands' West Bay replenishment zone—were "ripped up" by the MV Tatoosh's anchor chain. "The damage to the reef could prompt a fine of up to $600,000," the Guardian adds, "although Allen is likely to be able to foot the bill, given his net worth is estimated by Forbes to be $17.4 billion." Soooo... just another rich guy paying a meaningless fine, then? Carry on! "The incident is particularly embarrassing for Allen, given his foundation's work supporting marine conservation and tackling overfishing," the Guardian notes. Good thing Allen's got that environmental foundation—because tooling around the globe in a 300-foot reef-destroying superyacht can't possibly impact the environment at all.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 30
"Kanye asked everyone to dress like Kim and put on a fake baby bump so she felt more comfortable," Kourtney Kardashian says on the most current episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, in which—you guessed it—Kanye asks everyone to dress like Kim and put on a fake baby bump so she feels more comfortable. Said fiasco took place back in October, for Kim's 35th birthday, which also saw Kanye rent out an entire movie theater so the family could watch Steve Jobs. Wait—so not only did everyone have to pretend to be Kim Kardashian for a whole night (UGH, UGH, UGH, JUST THE THOUGHT MAKES US WANT TO JUMP INTO A SCALDING-HOT SHOWER), but then they all had to sit through the entirety of Steve Jobs? And we thought Hubby Kip was terrible at planning parties. MEANWHILE...Even before he decided to mount a terrifyingly successful campaign for president, it seems the illustrious Donald Trump was using Twitter to set a nervous nation at ease. "Everyone should calm down," he tweeted in a recently unearthed missive from 2013. "@BenAffleck is going to do a great job as Batman." (Okay, we might have just found the one thing that could get us to vote for Trump—Vice President Batman.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 31
Okay, everybody: Deep breath. No, deeper than that. Deeeeeep breath. And here... we... go. "Joseph Fiennes Will Play Michael Jackson in British Comedy," the New York Times reports, noting Fiennes is set to play Jacko in Elizabeth, Michael, and Marlon, "a dramatization of Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, and Marlon Brando driving out of New York City together after the 9/11 attacks." (Confidential to "Britain": Hey Britain, what the fuck?) "Notable: Mr. Fiennes is white. Mr. Jackson was not," the Times added, before pointing out the "casting decision follows backlash against the Academy Awards, which failed to nominate any minority actors this year." So! Pat yourselves on the back, Hollyweird—you aren't the only clueless, privileged jerks totally screwing up. So is Britain! IN RELATED NEWS... Over at Vox, Alex Abad-Santos dug up a 1993 interview between Jackson and Oprah—in which Oprah asked Jackson about rumors he wanted a white child to play him in a commercial. Jackson was clearly horrified. "Why would I want a white child to play me? I'm a black American. I'm proud to be a black American. I am proud of who I am," Jackson replied. "That's like you wanting an Oriental person to play you as a child. Does that make sense? Please, people, stop believing these horrifying stories." IN EVEN MORE RELATED NEWS... "Look, we all know Elizabeth, Michael, and Marlon is going to be awful," the Ghost of Michael Jackson told a group of reporters gathered at Neverland Ranch. "But let's keep things in perspective! Sure, I might be dead, and sure, despite my haunting, spectral form, I might be unable to prevent Joseph Fiennes from playing me. But at least I don't have to try and convince B.o.B. that the world is round. All things considered, I think I'm doing all right."