MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1
Let's start the week off with an update on "#FingersInTheBootyAssBitch-Gate." (We're still working on the name—bear with us). As you assuredly recall from last week, Kanye West got in a ridiculously stupid Twitter war with Wiz Khalifa over the name of West's new album. However, it quickly devolved into Yeezy lobbing insults at his ex-girlfriend (and Wiz's ex-wife) Amber Rose, AND their toddler son. (Bad form, Kanye!) Amber quickly stopped the brawl with a mic-dropping tweet, writing, "@kanyewest are u mad I'm not around to play in ur asshole anymore? #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch." Every jaw in the world dropped, and for the first time in his career, Kanye was silent. (He later denied that he's into ass play—maybe the almighty Yeezy is too self-actualized to have a prostate?) ANYWAY! You'll be relieved to know the Great Twitter War of 2016 has ended thanks to... KIM KARDASHIAN?!? According to a source talking to E! News, "Kim called Amber directly and squashed this beef once and for all." Apparently the two met, talked it out, and celebrated with a selfie immediately posted on Instagram. We grudgingly admit it—Kim Kardashian is the Madeleine Albright of Twitter beefs, and... wait. This just in... Ms. Albright's attorneys have sent us a cease and desist order. Fine. Let us never speak of it again.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 2
In other Kim and Kanye news, neighbors in their swanky neighborhood hit the roof when they noticed that the couple's multimillion dollar mansion had been hit by... gasp!... ruffian graffiti taggers! CALL THE POLICE! CALL GANG ENFORCEMENT! CALL THE AIR FORCE! CALL... hold on. As it turned out, according to TMZ, Kim and Kanye tagged their own mansion! Apparently their home is under significant renovation and many of their outside walls are being replastered, so the pair thought it would be "cute" to tag their home with spray-painted messages like "I Kim" and "I Kanye." Grrrrr! Can we please just arrest them anyway?
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 3
Squeeee! Beyoncé News! Since we rarely get any news from the peak of Mt. Olympus where Queen Beyoncé, Jay-Z(eus), and Princess Blue Ivy reside, if we hear anything it's cause for excitement. Today Queen Bey hurled a thunderbolt from above and disintegrated (okay, fired) her current management team—including her cousin! Says a snoopy source to Page Six, "Beyoncé basically cleaned house... and hired a new team. She wants to surround herself with business people who could take her career to an even higher level." Wait... what? What level could be higher than where Beyoncé is right now? "Alert the Interstellar Scientology Space Marines!" squealed Intergalactic Emperor Klaktu over holotube from the Rigel VII quadrant. "Our sector is about to come under attack from the only being more powerful than Tom Cruise—the undefeatable QUEEN BEYONCÉ KNOWLES! Prepare all battle stations! Ready my escape pod! Don't forget to feed my cats!"
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4
The political pot came to a boil this week when religious imbecile Ted Cruz won the GOP's Iowa caucuses, thereby snatching the wig off frontrunner Donald Trump. Bible-thumping evangelicals made up nearly two-thirds of everyone who came to caucus, launching Cruz into the top spot, followed by Trump, and then Republican cyborg Marco Rubio. Naturally the good-natured Trump took the defeat in stride. "Ted Cruz didn't win Iowa, he stole it," Trump bellowed over Twitter. "That is why all of the polls were so wrong and why he got more votes than anticipated. Bad!" (Note: Trump often adds a TL;DR addendum to many of his tweets to let fans know how to respond emotionally. In this case, "Bad!") MEANWHILE... According to figures released from the Federal Election Commission, Trump has spent nearly $11 million on his campaign thus far—and over $325,000 alone on those stupid red "Make America Great Again" trucker hats. While this may make you think Trump is campaigning his way into the poor house (HA-HA-HA), think again: According to the New York Times, roughly three-quarters of Trump's campaign spending "has gone to reimburse his own businesses"—basically borrowing from one and paying back another, rather than depending on donations. "Trump looked at [this campaign] as a way to extend his brand," said GOP strategist Rick Wilson. In fact, by continuing to use the campaign trail to sell his books (Crippled America, Art of the Deal), properties (including his newest hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue), and those idiotic hats for $25 a pop, he could make his quote from 2000 come true: "I could be the first presidential candidate to run and make money on it." So... is it possible that Trump's not quite as dumb as we think? (SHUDDER!)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5
With younger voters flocking to support Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton's campaign for the presidency "has turned into a generational clash, one that erupted this weekend when two feminist icons, Madeleine Albright and Gloria Steinem, called on young women who supported Sanders to essentially grow up and get with the program," reports the New York Times. At a Clinton rally, Albright reminded attendees, "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help each other!" And in an interview with Bill Maher, Steinem implied young women are only supporting Sanders because they want to get laid. "When you're young, you're thinking, 'Where are the boys?' The boys are with Bernie," Steinem said. ("Oh," Maher replied. "Now if I said that, 'They're for Bernie because that's where the boys are,' you'd swat me.") "Obviously, they are desperate because Hillary's numbers are falling, so they are really pulling out the heavy artillery," Camille Paglia told the Times. JESUS, EVERYBODY. DEEP BREATHS. (Oh, and quick reminder: We've still got 10 months until the election! From here on out, things are only going to get more contentious. *winces* *dies*)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 6
Okay, what happened today? Anything? "Hugh Jackman Treated for Skin Cancer on His Nose for the Fourth Time," reports People! ("Being an Australian, it's a very common thing. I never wore sunscreen so I'm a prime candidate for it.") ANYTHING ELSE? "Angelina Jolie Pitt Gets Three New Tattoos," says People! ("A source confirmed to People that Jolie did indeed get three new tattoos.") ANYTHING ELSE? "Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom Take His Son Flynn to Birthday Party at Robert Downey Jr.'s House," says Us! ("The birthday party had a Jurassic theme and there was a giant obstacle course and balloon maker," a source reveals.) UGH. Today's the worst. Let's fast-forward to Sunday!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 7
And lo, as prophesied on Wednesday... BEYONCÉ. Today—shockingly and wonderfully—Beyoncé made Super Bowl Sunday good for something other than giving professional football players traumatic brain injuries! "Many people have been commenting on social media on how Beyoncé used her [halftime] performance to make a point about the rights of black people," the BBC reported, as awestruck as the rest of us by Beyoncé's performance of her new song "Formation." "Her dancers were dressed like radical political group the Black Panthers, and they formed an X during the performance, seen as a reference to Malcolm X." But even Beyoncé's halftime show—which gobsmacked millions who thought they were just tuning in to watch a dumb football game—paled in comparison to the video for "Formation," which Beyoncé also released this weekend. "Of course, I'm moved by that fly little black boy in a hoodie who joyfully dances in front of a barricade of white cops in riot gear," wrote Vulture's Dee Lockett about the video. "But I'm politically inspired when Beyoncé gives the Black Power salute atop a New Orleans cop car." "The brilliance of 'Formation' is that it boiled down and stewed black life, art, and culture into an epic five-minute music video," wrote Tiffany Lee of Black Girl Dangerous. "'Formation' isn't about Beyoncé or even about her constant conflation of capitalistic success with feminist liberation. This video is about how black folks have learned how to sing songs, kiss babies, yell for joy, make love, and recite poems all while holding a mouth full of our dead." "This is a woman who understands her own power, how to harness and magnetize us to it," Wesley Morris wrote in the New York Times. "I mean, I'm supposed to be out at dinner right now. Instead, I'm hunched over a computer contemplating the Beyoncé politic. No one running for president at the moment has managed to do that." IN OTHER WORDS... Forget about Clinton and Sanders, everybody. BEYONCÉ FOR PRESIDENT! (Of the universe!) (Sorry, Klaktu.)