AZIZ ANSARI Aziz, will you be our Valentine? (Sorry, Hubby Kip.)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8

Last week we told you about our Grand Exalted Queen Imperator Beyoncé's blessed appearance at the Super Bowl, and how she also graciously allowed a menial "football game" to be played before and after her brilliant, show-stopping performance. (Again, we offer eternal thanks to our generous and all-knowing leader.) Anyway here's a Super Beyoncé tidbit you may have missed! The galaxy's most perfect embodiment of empty-headed privilege, Gwyneth Paltrow, has once again butted into business that is surely not her own. Just because her "consciously uncoupled" ex-hubby Chris Martin was allowed to perform at the Super Bowl in a minor capacity, Gwynnie decided this gave her permission to take a photo of her daughter Apple holding hands with Princess Blue Ivy (all hail "Destiny's Granddaughter"), which she then posted on Instagram. To that we say, "OH HELL NO." This is some serious Game of Thrones-level deceit going on here. This is some all-too-obvious Maleficent shit in which she thinks she can worm her way into the royal orbit of the Almighty Beyoncé—and mark our words when we say this: THIS SHALL NOT STAND. Gwynnie, feel free to go back to your Goopy website, and sell your overpriced "herbal vagina steams" and "thermal spring water facial spray"... but on behalf of Her Highness, the Most Noble Supreme Empress of All Things Living and Dead, BEYONCÉ—you are hereby dismissed. (And don't let the castle gates hit your skinny ass on the way out.)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9

In a related story, the divine Taraji P. Henson—who plays the wondrously devious Cookie Lyon on Empiretweeted the following during the Super Bowl when she saw Coldplay's Chris Martin (Gwynnie's ex) start to perform: "YAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!! #maroon5 is life to me!!! #superbowl50." Haaaaaaaaaaa-hahahahhahhaaHA!!! That is perhaps the most perfect tweet ever written—even though Taraji later admitted she "made a mistake" when she confused Chris Martin with Adam Levine. But we all know the truth, right? Well played, Taraji. (Sloooow wink.) MEANWHILE... Remember Madonna? (If not, ask your grandma, but basically she was the beta version of Beyoncé—our beloved reigning ruler of both heaven and earth!) Anyway, Madonna is supes mad at ex-hubby Guy Ritchie, who she thinks is a terrible influence on their son. According to multiple sources talking to TMZ, "Madonna believes Guy has set no rules for 15-year-old Rocco and he's living dangerously... not enrolled in school, hanging out in skate parks, smoking, and essentially doing anything he wants." In fact, she's so concerned, she's allegedly hired a private detective to follow them around, and get pics of shameful behavior that could help her get full custody of Rocco. Dear Madonna: We're the last person to slut shame, but maybe people who publish nudie books called Sex shouldn't throw stones... at kids smoking at the skate park? (Stand by while we work a bit harder on that analogy.)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10

Former One Day at a Time poster boy Justin Bieber gave a sprawling interview to GQ magazine this week, covering such topics as his past mistakes (which includes, but is not limited to, egging people's houses and peeing in restaurant mop buckets—never forget), his "Apology Tour," and the brand-new lady in his life, model Hailey Baldwin, who he's been sucking face with since the holidays and now says she is "someone I really love." You read that correctly: that emotionless husk of a punk-ass shithead, Justin Bieber, is in love with Hailey Baldwin, and... WAIT. THIS JUST IN: E! News spoke to Hailey after the interview to get her take on their relationship—and, ummm, well, let's hear what she has to say. "We are not an exclusive couple," Hailey forcefully said about Justin. "We've been good friends over the years... and there's nothing more to it than that." OUCH. Maybe now Justin knows what that mop bucket felt like.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Do you have an extra $100 million? Then please consider giving that money to Kanye West, who says he needs at least that much to invest in his wildly expensive Yeezy fashion line (which honestly looks like what homeless people might wear on Tatooine). According to a source gabbing to Page Six, Kanye "needs a backer to help him achieve the kind of fashion-world domination he is looking for." (Ummm... has anyone told him he's married to the ultra-rich Kim Kardashian? She spends $100 million a week in pedicures, Botox, and skin peels alone.) Things are getting desperate, guys! If Kanye can't afford to produce his weirdo brand of designer potato sacks, who will? WHO WILL HELP KANYE WEST FINALLY ACHIEVE HIS DREAM??

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Don't worry, dears! Kanye West has come up with a brilliant plan to get out of debt: Tweeting the guy who invented Facebook and demanding a billion dollars! "Mark Zuckerberg," Kanye wrote on Twitter, "invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas." Shortly thereafter, West humbly explained why Zuckerberg should do such a thing: Because Kanye is "the greatest living artist and greatest artist of all time." As of press time, Zuckerberg has yet to respond, which, for the record, is exactly what everyone should do when Kanye West approaches you and asks you for money. Or when Kanye West approaches you for any reason. MEANWHILE... Kanye's the greatest something of all time, but it might not be "artist": Maybe he's the greatest apologist for rapists, as earlier this week, he inexplicably tweeted "BILL COSBY INNOCENT !!!!!!!!!!" Or maybe he's the greatest misogynistic jackass, as, on his new album The Life of Pablo, he's restarted his feud with Taylor Swift. (If you're sick of Kanye, just imagine how poor Tay-Tay feels.) The conflict came about thanks to Kanye's song "Famous," in which he raps, "I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex," a line he follows with, "I made that bitch famous." (Hmm. We wonder why Taylor doesn't like "Famous.") "I called Taylor and had an hour long convo with her about the line and she thought it was funny and gave her blessings," West claimed on Twitter, after noting he also ran the line past his wife ("she was cool with it"). Not so fast, says Swift's amazingly named rep Tree Paine, who quickly told reporters that, "Kanye did not call for approval, but to ask Taylor to release the single 'Famous' on her Twitter account. She declined and cautioned him about releasing a song with such a strong misogynistic message.... Taylor was never made aware of the actual lyric, 'I made that bitch famous.'" Well, the good news here, dears, is that this week, Kanye can't possibly make himself look any more like a tool. Can he? Can he???

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13

Like some kind of crappy Hunger Games where the only competitors are men who look like they've been banned from OKCupid, tonight the remaining Republican candidates for president shuffled onto a South Carolina stage and did their damnedest to insult each other into oblivion. Alas, there was a problem with their supposedly objective debate: Republican officials stacked the audience. "Prior to the debate," Vox reports, "the Republican Party decided not to use a lottery system to decide who should be in the audience. Instead, most tickets went to elected Republican officials, donors, and other workers for the party.... The result, it seems, is the room was packed with Republican voters who overwhelmingly dislike Trump." And those attendees made their views known—by letting out cartoonish "Boooooo!"s after every dumb thing Donald Trump said, while cheering like idiots after every dumb thing Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio said. While we would never advocate listening to anything Trump says, rigging the crowd to affect voter perception has to be one of the worst ideas the GOP has had in a while. And given the current state of the GOP, that's really saying something.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Tonight, yours truly and Hubby Kip celebrated Valentine's Day in our traditional way! (Thanks so much for the tacky Frederick's of Hollywood corset and the used DVD of Furious 7, dear—we do hope you enjoy sleeping on the couch. We know we'll enjoy sitting at the kitchen counter, trying to break our record for most martinis consumed in an evening.) But in Brooklyn, delightful single pals Jennifer Lawrence and Aziz Ansari met up at the Commodore bar for companionship! Awwww. "They looked friendly and were showing each other stuff on their iPhones and chatting and laughing," a source gabs. Now that's just about the sweetest thing we've ever heard, and... oh, goddammit. We knew this was going too well! Sorry, everybody! MEANWHILE... Predictably enough, Kanye West spent his Valentine's Day talking to himself in the mirror. "I'm practicing my Grammy speech," Kanye bragged on Twitter, shortly before threatening not to attend "unless they promise me the Album of the Year!" Less than a minute later, he made a solemn vow: "I will have over 100 Grammys before I die." Heavy sigh. MEANWHILE, IN HEAVEN... "Damn," Michelangelo said, gazing down from his cloud. "Just look at those tweets! Truly, Kanye West is the greatest artist of all time." "He makes the rest of us look like goddamn amateurs," agreed Beethoven. "Looking back, it really should've been me who wrote a sad little song about how much I wanted to have sex with Taylor Swift."