MONDAY, OCTOBER 26 In an event that shook the already mentally unstable Scientology community to its core, a former high-level Hollyweird celeb has resigned from the church. Director/writer Paul Haggis (Crash, Million Dollar Baby) wrote an extremely huffy letter to Scientology mouthpiece Tommy Davis, chastising him and the church for refusing to condemn the Church of Scientology in San Diego for publicly supporting Proposition 8—California's anti-same sex marriage legislation. "The church's refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites, and homophobes is cowardly," Haggis furiously wrote. "I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent." In an effort to get Haggis to return to the fold, the following response was drafted by the highest-ranking member of the Church of Scientology, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Salutations, Paul," Klaktu wrote via interstellar holomail. "After reading your letter, I became so enraged I spat out my Belagardian brain maggots. I'll have you know that some of my best minions are gays. One is cleaning the algae from my tentacles as I speak! On behalf of the entire church, may I reiterate that we do not nor shall we ever discriminate. By the end of this millennium, you will all become our mindless work drones—whether you be gay, straight, or feces-eating lizard of Tangor. So reconsider your foolish resignation, earthling scum! Or forget Hollywood—I shall ensure you never work in the sub-universe again! (P.S. Seriously... please come back, Paul. Don't leave me here alone with Tom and Jenna Elfman.)"
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 27 If you've ever wished for the lowliest scum in Tinselturd to come together in one convenient reality show, today your dreams have been answered! Because according to In Touch magazine, Jon Gosselin (formerly of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) has reportedly agreed to star in a new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman, infamously known as "Octomom"! The show's pilot will be called Jon – Kate = Jon + Octomom (!!!) and if the press release is to be believed, will follow Jon "as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like," and musing on the possibility of marriage with Suleman and raising (wait for it) 22 kids. You know what this show is missing? The ghost of JonBenét Ramsey. HOLD ON! THIS JUST IN. TMZ is now reporting that Gosselin has backed out of the Octomom project. BOOOOO!!!! Says a statement from Jon's agent, "While Jon appreciates the consideration and potential revenues that it offers, after reviewing with both the management team and his spiritual advisors, Jon has decided it is not in his best interest to pursue a show of this nature." Wait... who are these so-called "spiritual advisors"? Unless it's a group made up of Spencer and Heidi Pratt, Joey Buttafuoco, Tonya Harding, Courtney Love, and Lindsay Lohan's herpes sore, they should BUTT OUT!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28 Let's take a few steps up (but only a few) from the sub-basement of celebrity sludge to share some late-breaking news regarding Levi Johnston's penis. Us magazine breathlessly reported today that Johnston (best known for fathering Sarah Palin's illegitimate grandchild) will be bearing all for his November Playgirl shoot, including the veiny appendage that previously made its home in Bristol Palin's vaheena. Johnston's unironically awesome manager Tank Jones told the magazine, "[Johnston's] pumped! He's ready to shock the world. The hell with 15 minutes. As a matter of fact, when I picked him up, he came out of the house naked." Johnston reportedly shrugged and responded, "I just get naked. That's what I do." Okay, how does this sound for a reality show: Jon + Kate + Octomom + Levi Johnston = The Four Horse Penises of the Apocalypse.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29 Apparently Hollywood star and longtime Michael Jackson booster Elizabeth Taylor really really really REALLY likes the new posthumous MJ concert movie This Is It. How do we know? Because her twatters tell us so! Here are some choice excerpts from just a few of the dozen (yes, DOZEN) twatters Liz posted within a 24-hour period. "To say the man is a genius is an understatement. He cradles each note, coaxes the music to depths beyond reality...." "I wept from pure joy at his God-given gift. There will never, ever be the likes of him again." "You owe it to yourselves and your loved ones to see this again and again." "Memorize it and say to yourselves, 'I saw genius in my lifetime.' I loved genius in my lifetime." "Michael knew how to put together every tone, every nuance to make magic... And we have this piece of film to remind us forever and ever that once there was such a man. God kissed him." In a related story: Twatter has shut down indefinitely due to an advanced case of diabetic shock.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30 Seeing celebs dress up on Halloween is an annual tradition of awfulness, and no celebs are more awful than the cast of the Today show! This year, Today's producers decided to dress up their chatterbox hosts as Star Wars characters: Al Roker was Han Solo, Ann Curry was Darth Vader, Matt Lauer was Luke Skywalker, Meredith Vieira was Princess Leia, Kathie Lee Gifford was C-3PO, Natalie Morales was Queen Padmé Amidala, and Hoda Kotb was Jedi Hoda Kotb Yoda. Was it embarrassing and awkward? You bet! But it was all made worthwhile when two midgets hired to wear Ewok costumes revealed themselves to be thoroughly, delightfully soused, spending their on-air time kicking each other and trying to steal booze from a nearby table. After Ann "Buzzkill" Curry tried to cut the Ewoks off ("You're not allowed to have vodka!" she hissed, wrenching a martini out of one of their paws. "No vodka for Ewoks!"), one Ewok decided it wanted revenge—so it derailed the show by moonwalking, humping Al Roker's leg, doing pushups, and thrusting his furry little pelvis. "I feel so dirty!" Roker giggled, while a pissy Curry gave the evil eye to the pervy little Teddy Ruxpin. Hey, NBC? Someone get those drunken little bastards their own reality show, stat. (Ideally, it should take over Today's timeslot.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31 More proof that celebrities should be banned from Halloween: Today reality television's second-most annoying couple, The Hills' Heidi and Spencer Pratt, dressed up as reality television's first-most annoying couple, Jon and Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus Eight! "Halloween is supposed to be about scary costumes," the insufferable Spencer "joked" to Us. "What's scarier than Speidi Plus Eight?" IN RELATED NEWS... Heidi and Spencer ruin everything... for everyone.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1 Poor Jennifer Aniston. Even when the equine-visaged (not a horse mask, folks!) star manages to hold onto a man for more than five minutes—in this case, 300 hunk Gerard Butler—it gets ruined. Today's ruiner? None other than (drumroll please)... Lindsay Lohan! Last night at a fancy-pants party in Morocco—one celebrating the launch of a new resort—the 39-year-old actor "was spotted kissing the 23-year-old Mean Girls star," according to the Daily Mail. "The pair spent much of the night dancing and flirting in the hotel's Sanctuary nightclub before eventually leaving the party together in a golf buggy." Drive, LiLo and Gerard, drive! Revel in your forbidden love! Make wild, passionate coitus in the hot Moroccan sands! (And pray that your little buggy can outrun a snorting-mad Aniston before she gallops up and tramples you to death.)