MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Panic, you guys! The upcoming Elton John and Billy Joel concert, which was to have taken place at Portland's Rose Garden Arena, has been postponed indefinitely—no thanks to E. coli! (Looks like Mom's getting a Walgreen's Snuggie for Christmas instead.) Though he is reportedly "absolutely fine" (?), Sir Elton was sent to a London hospital to be treated for "E. coli bacterial infection and influenza" causing both the Seattle and Portland dates to be temporarily cancelled. Yes, yes—but how is Billy Joel doing, your mother must be wondering? Well, we're happy to report that Billy is fine other than a slight tickle in the back of his throat, which he intends to cure by drinking a tumbler of vodka and driving his Porsche into an aluminum guardrail. MEANWHILE... Have you been following Levi Johnston's Twatters? They're hilarious... and kind of racist... but hilarious! For example, "WHATS THE DEAL WITH THE TAXI DRIVERS NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH IS IT A LAW AGAINST IT?" is a recent example. Other grammatically challenged entries range from subtle observations ("Lady Gaga has the biggest ass I've seen in a white girl...") to historical trivia ("in Roman Times Blonde people were consider dirty and infested with lice..."). However, Levi is not above using the social networking platform to forward his own personal agenda: "anybody knows where I cna get some good WEED??" [Yes, we know this is probably just someone pretending to be Levi... but even he can't deny that it's real enough for our purposes.]

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3 A tough day for those in favor of equal rights for all. (You know... the thing our country was supposedly based on?) Voters in Maine shot down a same-sex marriage law passed by the state legislature in May, by a final score of 53 to 47 percent. It's especially heartbreaking since the law had the backing of local government, showed a tremendous amount of grassroots support, and has emboldened the homophobes who are intent on keeping America's gay and lesbians as second-class citizens. Oh... here's a homophobe now. "Maine is one of the most secular states in the nation," said Christian conservative and President of National Organization for Marriage Maggie Gallagher. "If [gays] can't win there, it really does tell you the majority of Americans are not on board with this gay marriage thing." While one's first instinct might be to slap the smug off Gallagher's stupid faux-Christian face, one should remember that Basic Rights Oregon is looking toward 2012 to win marriage equality in this state, and needs your help and contributions. Maine is our wake-up call. Check out for more info, and let's get to work on turning our dreams into Maggie Gallagher's worst nightmare.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4 It's gonna sound weird, but here we go anyway: We feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan! (And not just because she looks like a 64-year-old grandma from Boca Raton.) LiLo's nutbag pop, Michael Lohan, has got it into his kinda-insane head that the only person that can straighten out his daughter's wacky life is HIM. Unfortunately the way he's going about it is by leaking three-year-old surreptitiously recorded audiotapes of Lindsay sobbing hysterically. Now, it should be noted that while Lindsay may not be the current poster child for the Mental Health Association, she's not nearly as loopy as she was last year around this time. Nevertheless, Deadbeat Daddy Lohan wants conservatorship powers over Lindsay (à la Britney), and is being a real a-b-and-c-hole about it. LiLo's Twatter account agrees. "My father's such a loser & those recordings are from years ago," she furiously twatted. "To release personal things is foul enough, but to edit them. I used to think that he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. He's [sic] needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." Ooooooh! Burrrrrn! (Besides, if anyone should be Lindsay's conservator, it should be a proofreader.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Today a 39-year-old Army psychiatrist went on a shooting spree at the Fort Hood military base in Texas, killing 13 people and wounding 30. The shooter, Major Nidal Malik Hasan, was an American-born Muslim of Palestinian descent who reportedly loved the military, but detested the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. The current theory as to why the shooting took place is that Hasan was anxious about being deployed to Afghanistan. His aunt, Noel Hasan, had more to add, saying that the major had endured years of harassment due to his Muslim faith following the 9/11 attacks. "I know what that is like," she said. "Some people can take it, and some cannot. He had listened to all of that, and he wanted out of the military, and they would not let him leave even after he offered to repay [them for his medical training]." As of press time, Hasan, who was hospitalized after being shot four times during the incident, had recovered enough to speak, but had not spoken to military investigators.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Fair warning, Scientologists: Misbehave, and Tom Cruise will personally "beat the living shit" out of you! That's the rumor going around thanks to former Scientologist Marty Rathbun, who claims that several years ago, during one of Cruise's visits to Scientology HQ, the church's leader, David Miscavige, ordered a "Tom Cruise-arrival preparation drill." Church members were forced to practice "orchestrating every action they perform... in the presence of Cruise"—and when three men failed the drills, Mascavige ordered other Scientologists to beat them up—telling them that if they refused to do so, Cruise himself had promised to "beat the living shit" out of them! Cruise's reps, naturally, deny the claims. MEANWHILE, BACK ON RIGEL VII... "C'mon, Ann," Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII said when reached for comment. "Use your pretty-but-primitive humanoid head for a moment: Tom Cruise—though he may be a Smiter of Thetans and a Blessed Prophet of L. Ron Hubbard—can't beat anyone up. Dude's like five-foot nothin', and that's when he's standing on a hardcover of Battlefield Earth!" (We hate to say it, buuuut... Klaktu kinda has a point.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7 We have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first? Okay, good news it is! Today the House of Representatives narrowly passed Obama's health reform bill! The breakdown: 220 votes to 215. Unsurprisingly, only one Republican (Anh Cao of Louisiana) voted for the bill, while a whopping 39 dipshit Democrats voted against it. ("Nearly all of the 14 freshmen Democrats who voted 'no' represent districts that were previously Republican and are considered vulnerable in 2010," the New York Times noted. In other words: wusses.) The bad news: In order to get even that many votes, Democrats had to cede a little thing known as abortion rights, adding a provision that severely restricts abortion coverage. And, finally, some even worse news: In successfully adding this "provision that would block the use of federal subsidies for insurance that covers elective abortions," says the Times, "[it] has energized abortion opponents with their biggest victory in years—emboldening them for a pitched battle in the Senate." Hmm. Are we wrong, or is this not working out quite the way we hoped?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8 Jessica Simpson is "DOOMED TO LOSE," proclaims a headline in the National Enquirer! "With her romantic life in tatters, career stalled, and the brutal death of her dog Daisy [Eaten by a coyote! Not kidding! –Ann], Jessica's loved ones are concerned that stress and heartbreak have pushed her to the edge." An anonymous friend of the family tells the Enquirer that recently, "Jessica's father, Joe, walked in on her poring over a photo album, collapsed in tears that ran down her cheeks. When Joe asked, 'What's wrong, honey?' Jess screamed, 'EVERYTHING!'" (And that's as good of a note as anything to end on, dears. Until next week. Mwah!)