MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Dethroned Miss California USA Carrie Prejean—whose homophobic remarks about same-sex marriage have made her a conservative darling—has two things going for her this week: (1) A brand-new book verbosely entitled Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks, and (2) A brand-new sex tape that should be titled, Still on My Back: A Videotape of Me Masturbating for an Ex-Boyfriend Who I Mistakenly Thought Loved Me. Carrie visited the friendly confines of Fox News tonight to deliver the curiously timed news about her book, and the "all-by-myself" sex tape (translated: SHE WAS MASTURBATING) which surfaced during her dropped lawsuit against the Miss California Organization. According to "Little Miss Perfect™" the tape was made when she was 17 for a long-distance boyfriend. "I was a teenager," Prejean rationalized. "I cared about him. I trusted him. I think now they call it 'sexting.'" (That's not what they call it, but thanks for playing.) Prejean then continued, "It was bad judgment and it's embarrassing and it's humiliating to be talking about this now on national TV." Yes, yes, Carrie... plenty of celebs have sex tapes. Boo-hoo-hoo-SNORE. We only want to know one thing: Was the "all-by-myself" sex consensual? Let's hope it wasn't, because we're pretty sure God frowns on that sort of thing. MEANWHILE... Jennifer Lopez (remember her?) allegedly also has a new sex tape ready to drop that includes her "wearing skimpy underwear" and "being spanked in bed" by her ex-husband Ojani Noa, but since the tape is NOT accompanied by a new book, no one gives a shit.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10 More news from the "Gross Celebs Having Gross Sex" desk: The Atlanta stripper who allegedly had a genital-rubbing session with Josh Duhamel (Fergie's hubby) has publicly apologized to the Black Eyed Peas singer for boning her husband. "I'm sorry," stripper Nicole Forrester told Extra. "I thought, 'Nobody's gonna find out.'" (Mmmm... did you think that before or after you went on the radio and told the entire world?) The good news for Fergie is that the stripper in question is less attractive than she is. The bad news is, that's not good news, is it? MEANWHILE... Musician (and former Jennifer Aniston boy-toy) John Mayer actually twatted something almost amusing today! Upon hearing the news that 100 furious Britney Spears fans stormed out of her Australian concert because she wasn't actually singing, Mayer twatted, "If you're shocked that Britney was lip-synching at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you." Ka-ZING! Nice job, John! Perhaps you should quit the music business, and become one of those "one catch phrase" comedians like Jeff "You might be a redneck if..." Foxworthy. Or, maybe just quit the music business. Ka-ZING! (We're going to twatter that.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11 Poor Carrie Prejean! (Translated: "Ha-ha-ha-ha-HAAAA!") Not only has her masturbatory sex tape totally eclipsed her new book (Still Standing: The Untold Story of Boo-hoo-hoo, Everybody Hates Me Just Because I Hate Gay People), Carrie made a total ass out of herself on tonight's Larry King Live. After King asked her for the reason behind her recent out-of-court settlement with the Miss California Organization, Prejean pitched a half-assed hissy fit, calling his questions inappropriate, and then whipped off her mic when a caller identified himself as a "gay pageant lover." And then... well... she just kind of sat there. Didn't stomp off in a huff, just... sat... there... which was wildly confusing to King, who is confused even on his best days. But hold, please! Things get even more delicious....
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12 This morning Carrie Prejean unexpectedly cancelled a Republican-themed speaking gig after her former boyfriend (yes, the same boyfriend for whom she made the "dancing-with-myself" video) revealed to TMZ that Prejean asked him to lie about how old she was when she made the tape. Previously, Prejean claimed she was a stupid, gullible 17-year-old—but according to the boyfriend, she was in fact a stupid, gullible 20-year-old. Obviously, there's only one way to ascertain her true age: Watch the tape, and count the rings around her vaheena. (Unsurprisingly, Hubby Kip has already volunteered. EW!) MEANWHILE... In what can only be considered wonderful, fantastic news that's also a breath-taking relief, Jon Gosselin (the tubby half of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) has DENIED a National Enquirer report that he too has an unreleased sex tape. OMG, you people! You Must Stop with the Sex Tapes, Already! Whether real or imagined! Seeing your floppy genitalia (or imagining it) will NOT make you more popular or better liked. (For proof, just ask Hubby Kip. Again... EW!)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13 Remember when Ms. Homophobe California claimed the video of her "stirring the honey pot" (EW!) was a one-time thing? Wellllll... Radaronline.com reveals Carrie has not one, but eight sex tapes—plus 30 topless photos, "most taken by Carrie using her reflection in the mirror." The videos sound similar—"all of them [are] solo performances," Radar says (TRANSLATION: STILL MASTURBATING)—but that's not stopping the skeeze-mongers at Vivid Entertainment from cozying up to the religious right's very own porn star! Vivid has offered to buy and distribute the "erotic footage," according to TMZ.com. The response from Prejean's agent (AKA Francine Coppola, Carrie's mom)? "No, at any price." Hmm. Y'know, Carrie, you might wanna hold onto Vivid's number—we have a hunch that sooner rather than later, you're going to be looking for some alternative revenue streams. (Wow. That sounds gross, too.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14 FIRST! The disaster epic 2012 opened this weekend and promptly made 85 kazillion dollars—and now the film's director, Roland Emmerich (the auteur behind Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow), is threatening to make a TV series called 2013 that picks up where the movie ends. (Okay, so the actual end of the world might not be here... but we're in the midst of a cultural apocalypse, right?) SECOND! What the flip?! Now John Stamos has a star on Hollyweird's Walk of Fame?! (Actually, this is great news—we thought only famous people got stars, but apparently anyone can get one! Where do we sign up? [Note to mayor of Hollyweird: Please place our star as far away from Uncle Jesse's as possible.]) THIRD! Britney Spears worships Satan! Today the Brit-Brit's Twatter (EW!) updated with several phrases, including, "i hope that the new world order will arrive as soon as possible!" and "I give myself to Lucifer every day... Glory to Satan!" Britta's camp is claiming her Twatter was hacked (EW!), but y'know what? This explains a lot.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15 Do you have some Purell nearby? No? Go get some. We'll wait. WAITING... Okay, got it? Good! Lindsay Lohan's deadbeat dad, Michael, is back! (Get the Purell ready.) Elliot Osher—a former owner of New York's now-defunct strip club Scores—has written a book in which You-Know-Who makes an appearance. "Lindsay Lohan's father once sat down and described the kind of dancer he was looking for," Osher writes. (Start putting on the Purell, dears.) "We sent some girls over," Osher continues. (Start disinfecting.) Osher adds, "Funny, they all seemed to look like Lindsay." (WE WARNED YOU! PURELL THREAT LEVEL FIVE! PURELL THREAT LEVEL FIVE! EWWWWWWW!!!) Naturally, Michael Lohan claims Osher's insinuations are malarkey. "No girls danced for me," he (depressingly) says of his visit to Scores, adding, "The last thing I'd want to see is a girl who looked like Lindsay. I don't even look at the magazines where she's done some risqué photos." Satisfied with his defense, Michael Lohan then speed-dialed Jessica Simpson's father/hands-on manager, Joe, at which point the two discussed how that one guy in the Mamas and the Papas got a really bum rap.