MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23 As you may have noticed last night on the American Music Awards, openly gay performer (and American Idol runner-up) Adam Lambert performed a sizzling number, which included grabbing his crotch, flipping off the crowd, and having a male dancer simulate fellatio on him. But apparently, America is okay with that. What they were not okay with was when Lambert grabbed his male keyboardist and gave him a big ol' smooch on the lips. Now naturally, conservative groups such as the Liberty Counsel cried foul, claiming the performance endangered America's male youth, and could have possibly turned them from strapping hetero football stars into flouncing, bewigged Darcelle XV performers. (But then, it's the job of right-wingers to act like stuck-up hate mongers.) However, CBS also proved themselves to be raving hypocrites in an Early Show interview with Lambert. First they tried to get Lambert to apologize for the sexually charged performance (he wouldn't), and then they blurred out the video of the male kiss in question, while moments later they showed unblurred and uncensored video of Madonna and Britney Spears' infamous same-sex lip lock! A hypocritical double standard? "No!" says Hubby Kip who has spent years studying "Advanced Penthouse Lesbianism" at the University of Our Bathroom. His summation of the incident: "C'mon, Ann... when two dudes kiss, it's just not as hot as when two sexy lesbos kiss." Thanks for that startling sociological observation, Kip. And since you seem to think you already know so much about this particular subject, how about a new area of study? We're sure you won't mind that we've replaced your Penthouse collection with a year's subscription to Honcho (this month featuring "hot & hung blue collar hunks!").
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Kip's an idiot. MEANWHILE... Leave it to Katie Holmes to ruin The Twilight Saga: New Moon for everyone! Fox News reports that the wife of top Scientology muckety-muck Tom Cruise attended a New Moon screening with friends and according to a source, "They talked non-stop about the movie and everything else. Some people wanted to tell them to be quiet, but when they realized who it was, they stayed silent. No one wanted to shush Katie." "THAT'S RIGHT!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII via interstellar holo-twitter. "No one dares shush the birthing receptacle of High Thetan Cruise, and the mother of future dictator of the universe, Suri! If such a shush is EVER uttered, I shall use a Thalagarian Planet Vaporizer to turn your puny earth into a pile of filthy ash, and... wait. Did you say she interrupted New Moon? Not... not the motorcycle crash scene where Jacob removes his shirt, right? BY THE SPIKEY TENTACLES OF MUNDOR! Realign the vaporizer, and destroy that traitor immediately! (And get Megan Fox on the line... it seems the royal family has need for a new 'receptacle.' Heh, heh, hehhhhhh.)"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Though we thought the concept was impossible, an attractive person does not like President Obama. According to Us Weekly, a friend of Angelina Jolie says the actress "hates" the president. "She's into education and rehabilitation and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is really a socialist in disguise." "SEE? DO YOU PEOPLE FINALLY SEE THE TRUTH?" whinnied Jolie's sworn enemy Jennifer Aniston. "She hates Obama! Only monsters hate Obama! The kind of monster that would steal a woman's husband! Hate her, everybody! HATE HER!" Ehh... sorry, Jennifer. Angelina was pretty good in Tomb Raider. MEANWHILE... A Swiss court has okayed the release of creepy pedophile director Roman Polanski, after he posted nearly a $4.5 million bond. But don't think he's getting off easy! Polanski will be under house arrest, confined to his Swiss Alpine resort chalet in Gstaad, and restricted to only three drugged 13-year-olds per week. (Jeez! Where's Amnesty International when you need 'em?)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26 Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! We're thankful to have smart, gorgeous readers such as yourself, and Hubby Kip is thankful that we were only joking about using his Penthouse library to smoke the turkey. (Or were we?) Someone who is not so thankful? Actress Mackenzie Phillips, who you may remember made tabloid headlines a couple months back after admitting she had a lengthy sexual affair with her father John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. As it turns out, weirdly enough, Mackenzie has been UNinvited to the family's Thanksgiving dinner, supposedly because of the embarrassment her claims have brought upon her relatives. And while we certainly feel sorry for Mackenzie—we do have to admit her presence could make Thanksgiving dinner conversation a bit awkward. "Mackenzie, will you please pass the garlic mashed potatoes?" "You mean the same garlic mashed potatoes that daddy taught me how to make before he coerced me into a torrid years-long incestuous relationship? Sure... want some gravy with that? DADDY'S GRAVY??"
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27 What the heck is going on with Tiger Woods? At 2:30 this morning, Tiger drove his Cadillac Escalade away from his mansion—and into a fire hydrant before crashing into a neighbor's tree. Tiger was taken to the hospital for cuts and bruises on his face; meanwhile, there were reports that his wife, Elin, used a golf club to shatter one of the SUV's windows to get him out. Weird, right? The Florida Highway Patrol asked to speak with Tiger, but the golfer refused to talk. Hmmm. Do we detect... a MYSTERY?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28 Today Portland's water supply was contaminated with E. coli—or, to put it just a tad less delicately, someone probably shat in the water. Westside Portlanders had to boil their water this weekend; the culprit remains at large. (In related news, Hubby Kip is unusually tight-lipped about what he was doing yesterday up by the Washington Park reservoir.) MEANWHILE... The MYSTERY around Tiger Woods grows ever more mysterious! Today Tiger refused to talk to police, leaving the rumor mill to grind away! The juiciest tattle comes from TMZ.com, which claims Tiger did talk to someone—just not the cops. "We're told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman," TMZ gushes. "The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We're told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV—but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. We're told Woods became 'distracted,' thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree." And here we thought golf was boring!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29 GASP! The Tiger Woods MYSTERY gets EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS! Tiger's rumored mistress? None other than famed Las Vegas partygirl Rachel Uchitel, says Ashley Samson, a woman who claims to be Uchitel's friend and spilled the beans to the National Enquirer. Uchitel politely disagreed. "I'm not friends with Ashley Simpson or whatever her name is," she huffed at the Daily News—most likely out of fear of Elin swinging a pitching wedge at her head. ALSO! Tiger finally released a statement! "This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again," he wrote, sounding like a pouty fourth-grader being forced to apologize. "Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded, and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible." Oooh! Did the nasty wumors hurt widdle Tiguh's feewings? Is widdle Tiguh going to... PUT DOWN THAT GOLF CLUB!!