MONDAY, DECEMBER 14 Well, looks like things are finally looking up for Tiger Woods. PSYCH! As a matter of fact, things are so desperately awful for the shamed golf pro, we're surprised he's not shaving his head and attacking SUVs with an umbrella. (Britney Spears reference. Remember her?) Not only is there an open investigation of possible domestic violence in the Woods household (hearkening back to the Thanksgiving night melee involving a swinging golf club), but according to a source blabbing to ABC News, a "divorce is 100 percent on." Let's not get too ahead of ourselves, though! "[Wife Elin Nordegren] is going to take her sweet time," the source says. "She wants all the dirty laundry to be out on the table before she signs anything." Gulp. In fact, it would seem like "torture the Tiger" is, perhaps justifiably so, the latest sport around the Woods compound. A neighbor tells Us magazine that Tiger has been booted out of the house, and is only allowed to return home at night for grueling counseling and therapy sessions, which mostly involve Woods "apologizing over and over again." It's little wonder then that, according to Us, Tiger is mulling a move to France, and spends his post-therapy sessions "golfing alone at night." Feel sorry for him, yet? Us neither! Hee-hee-hee! MEANWHILE... It's not all bad news for Tiger, because the Associated Press has proclaimed Woods the "Athlete of the Decade"—an award we completely agree with. Considering the sheer number of women he's fucked, he deserves the award for stamina alone.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15 Tiger Woods to world: "Can someone please take all this attention off me for a minute!" "No problem," says former rocker and plastic surgery disaster Courtney Love, whose recent ka-RAZY Facebook ramblings may be to blame for losing custody of her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. Li'l Bean, who is now 17 years old (feeling ancient yet?), is currently under the custody of daddy Kurt Cobain's mother and sister for "reasons unknown." However if Love's Facebook screeds are any indication—rambling missives that have also recently mentioned Edward Norton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears—Love has once again slipped off the deep end. Plus, according to the rumor mill, a restraining order has been issued ordering Love to stay away from her daughter, and Courtney is lashing out again on Facebook—this time at Bean! "I hate to sound cold, but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position...," Love ranted. "[Frances Bean] was deceptive, she lied, and she's lying to herself... My daughter is not always honest." But don't get too depressed! There's always time in a Courtney Love rant for a bipolar-ish flip-flop. "I love you, [Frances]," her mom writes at the end, "and always will unconditionally." Awwwww! I love you, too, Mom. Now where do I sign this restraining order?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16 In a related story, Rihanna's clothes have also filed a restraining order... against her body! The sexy pop star is practically naked on the cover of GQ, inspiring Hubby Kip to say, "This picture makes me want to beat something." (UGH! Can someone please get me Elin Nordegren's email? I want the name of her lawyer.) MEANWHILE... Panic everybody! Slap-happy hiphopper Chris Brown has QUIT HIS TWATTER ACCOUNT. Here are the tragic events that led to this moment of national mourning: Upon entering a Wallingford, Connecticut Walmart (!), Chris lost his mind after discovering that his new CD was not on the shelves. This inspired him to post the following Twat: "major stores [like Walmart] r blackballing my cd. Not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers [we assume he means "customers"]. what the fuck do I gotta do." Well, one possible action would be to apologize, since according to the store, "All Walmart stores nationwide have carried the CD since its release, including the Wallingford store mentioned in the post." The statement goes on to say that one reason Brown may have had trouble finding his CD in that particular store is because the most recent shipment had already sold out. (Cue sad trombone sound, as Brown quits Twatter, and sulks back to anger-management class.)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17 Everybody breathe a big sigh of relief: Jon and Kate Gosselin (of the late and not-so-great TLC show Jon & Kate Plus Eight) are officially divorced. While the details of the settlement are for now confidential, the kids will remain with Kate in their current home. (Curious... someone keeps shooting flares out the window, and unfurling bed sheets with "Help Us!" scrawled in black shoe polish. Huh. Weird.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18 One day after getting officially divorced, Jon Gosselin is already in trouble! TMZ.com reports that, "Jon must make huge child-support payments—we're told five figures a month. And here's the problem. TLC has now shut down Jon's ability to take outside jobs." Uh oh. MEANWHILE... At least Jon's doing better than Tiger, who might not be divorced (yet), but is (still) getting thoroughly humiliated! You might remember Jamie Jungers, AKA mistress #4? Well, Jamie's aunt, Susan Minor, says some incriminating photos might be forthcoming. "[Jamie] told me that she had taken pictures of Tiger Woods naked while he was passed out drunk," Minor gabbed to Radar Online. "Jamie said she was going to take the pictures to the tabloids if something happens between her and Tiger, if they break up," she continued. "I thought, go for it, if you've got them go for it." Unfortunately, news of Tigergate gets even more depressing—not only has Woods been spending his nights playing golf all by his lonesome, but the London Sun reports he's been spending his days "eating cereal and watching cartoons." Oh, great, Tiger. THANKS. As if Hubby Kip needed any more encouragement that hanging out with Cap'n Crunch and SpongeBob is an acceptable way to spend one's day. (Note to Kip: Doing whatever Tiger does is, most assuredly, not okay.)
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19 So maybe you've heard, but this health care debate is totally effed. A recent poll jointly conducted by the Progressive Change Campaign Committee (PCCC) and Democracy for America found that the contentious (yet totally logical) subject of a public option is finally starting to gain traction among voters. "Only one-third of voters support [insurance] mandates without a public option, while nearly two-thirds want the public option and Medicare expansion," PCCC co-founder Stephanie Taylor says. But since a public option is far from a sure thing, "This will be a disaster of epic proportions for Democrats in 2010 if it's not fixed—fast." Hmm. Well, seeing how the pushover Democrats have been handling this mess so far, let's just cut to the chase: It's safe to say that regardless of what voters want, we can expect a disaster of epic proportions for Democrats in 2010. Keep up the good work, senators!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20 Move over, Santa and Rudolph! Christmas has a new icon: Hayden Wright, a four-year-old from Tennessee! Adorable li'l Hayden was "found at 1:45 am on Tuesday, wandering the streets wearing a dress he took from under a neighbor's tree." It gets even better, as Hayden was also drinking a Budweiser. "He runs away trying to find his father," explained his mother, April. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail, because that's where his daddy is." And on that note, dear readers, we end this week's column. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.