MONDAY, JANUARY 25 Remember that fateful Thanksgiving night of 2009, when Tiger Woods mysteriously crashed his Escalade into a tree, and wifey Elin mysteriously tried to extricate him from the wreckage with a golf club? Well, according to the Daily Beast, that wasn't exactly the most accurate of accounts. [We'll pause so you can pick your jaw up off the floor.] Today anonymous sources (is there any other kind?) provided the Beast with a very plausible timeline of what may have actually gone down: When the National Enquirer threatens to spill the beans regarding his affair with mistress Rachel Uchitel, Tiger swears to wifey Elin that it's all a pack of lies. Elin smells bullshit, an argument ensues, and Tiger takes an Ambien to get some much-needed shuteye (uh-oh). While Tiger lies in a comatose state, wifey Elin sneaks his phone, finds saucy text messages from Rachel, and calls her up. Rachel answers, and Elin says something along the lines of "I knew it was you." Rachel unsurprisingly responds, "OH FUCK!!" and hangs up. (Oh, sweet Jesus, we love this story.) Elin then gently awakens Tiger by allegedly screaming at the top of her lungs and beating him with her fists. Still in an Ambien-induced fog, the shoeless Tiger stumbles/runs for his life, and hops into his Escalade in an unsuccessful attempt to escape his furious, golf-club-wielding wife. And then? CRASH! SMASH! And Tiger's reputation? Dashed. Forget Avatar! Can James Cameron please shoot The Tiger Woods Story in 3D?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 26 Note to world: if you think you might be embarrassed by pictures of your naked body spread all over the internet, then by all means, STOP TAKING NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF. Poor Greg Oden of the Portland Trail Blazers learned this lesson the awkward way today, when nude photos of the basketball star were leaked onto the interwebs, allegedly by a "former lady friend." DEAR FORMER LADY FRIEND: You are a disgusting individual who lacks decorum and sensitivity. In the future, please treat your former lovers with a trace of respect, and keep their intimate moments just that: intimate. (P.S. Damn, girlfriend! You let that one get away? His penis looks like a goose hanging in the window of a Chinese restaurant!) MEANWHILE... Speaking of physical deformities: Happy first birthday, Octomom's Octuplets! That's right, it was only a year ago today that Octomom Nadya Suleman gave birth to eight babies/international media sensations! And you'll be happy to know they are all doing just fine. (Mostly because they can't read their mom's Wikipedia page yet.) However, Octobaby #6 did have this to say on this momentous occasion: "Can someone please change my diaper? It's been two weeks."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27 It was the "meh" heard 'round the internet today when Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the company's newest "game-changing" device: the iPad. Hailed for its ability to electronically deliver newspapers, magazines, video, games, music, and internet browsing in a larger format touchscreen device, one fundamental question remains: WHAT IS UP WITH THAT NAME? Jobs and company obviously forgot that their key customers (internet dweebs) are the most infantile group of people on the planet, and to name one's product iPad is simply asking for trouble. Seriously, their profits are going to bleed all over the place. How will they absorb this loss? One can only hope that this iPad will stay in place, and eventually get wings. (Surprise! We're infantile, too!) MEANWHILE... President Barack Obama delivered a somewhat stirring State of the Union address tonight, in which he defended his policies over the last year, scolded and challenged both parties, and vowed that the "change" promised during his campaign would eventually come—though it will be "noisy, messy and complicated." Adding to the evening's complications was MSNBC correspondent Chris Matthews, who, in an effusive recap of Obama's speech, said "I forgot he was black tonight for an hour." To be fair, Matthews later said his intent was to spotlight how Obama had "shattered a black-white divide in American politics." Umm... yeah... but doesn't it kind of "un-shatter" it when you keep bringing it up?
THURSDAY, JANUARY 28 Today, former and soon-to-be-again Tonight Show host Jay Leno went on Oprah to partially explain why he's such a dick. "The [Jay Leno Show] failed because it was basically doing a late-night talk show at 10 o'clock," he rationalized to the big O. There is also the possibility that, in an ever-changing media landscape, the "late-night talk show" model—which has been around since the dawn of time—is a dinosaur, and only those who actually produce great quality content can, and deserve to, succeed. Wait... THIS JUST IN: We momentarily forgot life is neither "fair," nor is success "based on quality." Sigh.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 29 On Wednesday, J.D. Salinger—the author of the more-or-less perfect books The Catcher in the Rye, Nine Stories, Franny and Zooey, and Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction—died at age 91 at his home. Salinger shunned the public eye since the 1950s, but following his death, his neighbors in Cornish, New Hampshire—where Salinger lived for the past few decades—spoke of the brilliant, secluded author. "Nobody conspired to keep his privacy, but everyone kept his privacy," Sherry Boudro of Windsor, Vermont, told the New York Times. "Otherwise he wouldn't have stayed here all these years." "The curious constantly descended on Cornish and the surrounding area, asking residents for directions to Mr. Salinger's house," continued the Times. "Instead of finding the home, interlopers would end up on a wild goose chase. How far afield the directions went 'depended on how arrogant they were,' said Mike Ackerman, owner of the Cornish General Store." It's not often in One Day at a Time we get reminders that people can sometimes be decent to each other—but hey, look at that. Take note, Greg Oden's "former lady friend" and "world."
SATURDAY, JANUARY 30 Hope you enjoyed those feel-good anecdotes about J.D. Salinger's country neighbors, because THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END! Three omens prophesy Armageddon! FIRST! Iran is stockpiling North Korean weapons! An aircraft bound for Iran landed in Bangkok in December, "laden with rockets, fuses, rocket-propelled grenades and what appeared to be missile parts," according to the New York Times. Diplomats now believe the weapons were "manufactured and shipped from North Korea in violation of a U.N. arms embargo." Panic! SECOND! Yet again to the Times: "The Obama administration is accelerating the deployment of new defenses against possible Iranian missile attacks in the Persian Gulf." That can only be a good thing, right? Panic! THIRD! In the most horrifying omen of them all, the delightful Kristen Bell became engaged to the monstrosity known as Dax Shepard! Bell, who is famed for being beautiful and charming and Veronica Mars, has somehow fallen for the moronic charms of Punk'd and Idiocracy star Shepard! "A snuggle party can fix anything—it's true!" Bell giggled to Us about her relationship with Shepard. The one thing a snuggle party can't fix? Our faith in humanity.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 31 Earlier this weekend, Rip Torn was "arrested after cops found him drunk inside a bank in Connecticut with a loaded revolver," according to TMZ.com. The bank's owner, Mark E. Macomber, said Torn thought he was at home when he was discovered—after which he was charged with carrying a pistol without a permit, carrying a firearm while intoxicated, first-degree burglary, first-degree criminal trespass, and third-degree criminal mischief. The arrest recalled the 78-year-old's two previous drunk driving arrests in New York, one of which led to what TMZ.com described as "an epic and vulgar rant at the police station." Come to think of it, a drunk, armed, ranting Rip Torn is far more worrisome than anything having to do with Iran. Panic!