MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Just for the record, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are NOT splitting up—okay? Emphasis on NOT. It's important you understand how wondrously happy and unsplittable they are right now, because we don't want to be the kind of gossip column that spreads false rumors. Especially the kind of false rumors that gets one's pants sued off—like the unfortunate and soon-to-be-pantsless News of the World tabloid. Apparently this British rag just kept repeating the simply OUTLANDISH rumors that Brangelina had decided to divide their assets and decide who would get custody of their six children, and... OH, HAHAHAHAAAA! We're sorry—it's just that the very thought of these two perfect lovebirds going their separate ways is just the most ridiculously INSANE notion, and anyone who would dare repeat such heinous lies deserves to be sued for every penny they have. Soooo, Brad and Angelina... we're good, right? MEANWHILE... Speaking of separations, MTV and part of its logo are going their separate ways. After 30 years of bliss, the phrase "music television" is being removed from the MTV logo. Why the switch? MTV explains: "It represents a new visually defined MTV.... The logo is part of MTV's reinvention to connect with today's millennial generation and bring them in as part of the channel." Yeah, that, and they finally realized they haven't played a music video since 1993.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9 For once, Jennifer Aniston is SO happy she's not dating John Mayer! The horse-hung musician gave a tell-all interview to Playboy magazine, and BOY! Did he tell all! On the subject of ex-gal pal Jessica Simpson: "Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. [Sexually] it was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just fucking snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you." OH! But just when you think his brain is going to jump in and say, "Shut up, John! Shut... Up!" his tongue decides to take a racist turn. When asked if black women throw themselves at him, John unfortunately replied, "I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock." (He goes on from there, but we think you get the point. Okay, fine... he also drops the "n-word.") So how does one extricate oneself from the damage incurred from a tongue such as his? Quickly, John! TO THE TWATTER! "I am sorry I used that word," he twatted. "It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it." WAIT! Are we talking about the same Playboy interview? If so, what exactly were you "intellectualizing"—comparing Jessica Simpson's vaheena to crack, or your cock to the Ku Klux Klan?
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Remember the Idaho Christians who were detained in Haiti for trying to transport "orphans" across the border, and it turned out that some of these "orphans" had "parents," and that's sort of thought of as "kidnapping"? Well, things were looking up for the thoughtless Bible-thumpers—until it was discovered that their lawyer is suspected of running a child and sex trafficking ring. (Whups.) Legal advisor Jorge Puello has denied he is the same person who has been accused of sending women and children to work as prostitutes in El Salavador, even though the head of the border police identified a photo of Puello as the man they were looking for. When asked to explain how they could have hired an alleged child trafficker to defend them against a child trafficking charge, the Christians reportedly replied, "Ummm... because he has experience?"
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11 Why did Kate Gosselin (formerly of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) chop off her $7,000 hair extensions? According to a snoopy source spilling the beans to Us magazine, "She's afraid people will think she's one of Tiger Woods' bimbos." We wouldn't worry so much about that, Kate. The stretch marks are a dead giveaway. MEANWHILE... Actor Alec Baldwin's 14-year-old daughter, Ireland, frantically called 911 today, claiming that the actor was "unresponsive" after taking sleeping pills following a heated argument. (Yes, this is the same Ireland that Baldwin referred to as a "thoughtless little pig" in an infamous voice mail back in 2007.) The 911 call came in as a "possible alcohol or drug overdose"—but Baldwin was quickly released from the hospital, and sources say he never actually swallowed any sleeping pills and had only threatened to do so. Ireland, you're 14. You should know by now that your daddy is a drama queen, you thoughtless little pig.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12 Okay, we enjoyed the blue-space-hippie saga known as Avatar as much as anybody, but this is just ridiculous. "Palestinian protesters have added a colorful twist to demonstrations against Israel's separation barrier, painting themselves blue and posing as characters from the hit film Avatar," reports the Associated Press. "The demonstrators also donned long hair and loincloths Friday for the weekly protest against the barrier near the village of Bilin. They equated their struggle to the intergalactic one portrayed in the film." Note to Na'vi Palestinians: If you're going to insist on wearing unflattering blue leotards and Smurf facepaint, at least have the decency to do it at comic book conventions.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Clerks director/writer/actor Kevin Smith was kicked off of a Southwest flight this weekend—ostensibly because the pilot deemed Smith a "safety risk" due to his weight. But Smith wasn't having any of it, angrily twatting to his 1.6 million followers: "I'm way fat," he admitted, "but I'm not there just yet." In fact, Silent Bob fired off roughly 9,000 enraged tweets in the direction of @SouthwestAir—and they're almost good enough to make us forget about Jersey Girl! For example: "So, @Southwest Air, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?)." Or, following Southwest's insistence that they'd given Smith a coupon: "Articles say I was given $100 @SouthwestAir voucher," Smith wrote. "I was OFFERED: the way a john tosses a hooker a c-note after a hate-fucking. Said no," And then there's our favorite, which gets right to the point: "You fucked with the wrong sedentary processed-foods eater!" But the final word, as far as we're concerned, came from Roger Ebert: "Finally, Kevin Smith gets some publicity."
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! Today Hubby Kip made us breakfast in bed and took us for a delightful drive to the coast, where we walked along the beach and lunched at a charming B&B and... wait. No. Today we woke up to the sounds of Kip whooping and hollering because he'd finally unlocked something or other in Star Trek Online. 'Tis a charmed life we lead, dears. HOWEVER! Lest you think romance is dead: "Britney Spears Goes on Date to McDonald's on Valentine's Day," says Us, noting Brit's agent/boyfriend, Jason Trawick, treated his lady to the finest cuisine Los Angeles has to offer. Presumably the couple then made sweet, tender love, their bodies moist and glistening from the grease of a few dozen McNuggets. MEANWHILE... Remember back when crybaby reality TV star Jon Gosselin was complaining, "I took a lot of abuse from [Kate]. I was put down."? Well, a source has gone into a bit more detail with Steppin' Out magazine, revealing Kate's nickname for Jon was "Stubby." Yes, because of... that. To make things even worse for Jon/better for us, this follows the news from another of Jon's exes, Hailey Glassman, who revealed Gosselin's equipment was "tiny, tiny, tiny." Yes! We knew all these months of having to write about that jackass would pay off! Happy Valentine's, Stubby!