MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22 Let's go straight to this week's "Infidelity Update" (AKA "Oh, you MEN"). Married hunky hottie Matthew Fox of the popular show Lost (but who will forever be known as the dreamy Charlie Salinger from Party of Five) has been accused of inserting his penis in a stripper—and in particular, a stripper's vaheena. Stripper Stefani "with an 'I' and dotted with a smiley face" Talbott tells In Touch magazine that she met the foxy Fox while she sliding up and down a pole at Stars Cabaret in... hold on a second... Bend, Oregon! (Hey, we may not have a lot of celebrities in Oregon, but we sure have a lot of strippers who sleep with them! Allegedly.) "I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately," Stefani with an "I" and a smiley face claimed. She then went on to claim that Fox purchased four grindy lapdances before sneaking back to his rented place for a romantic, unprotected screw. Naturally, Fox and Friends deny the stripper's version of events—though the cab driver who dropped them off says there was a lot of kissing and hugging, and that afterward he overheard Stef bragging to her stripper friends about how she hopped on top of Fox's "smoke monster." (That's a Lost reference... and it's gross.) MEANWHILE... Here's another reason why infidelity never pays, guys! Not only did golfer/sex fiend Tiger Woods have to apologize to the entire world for banging all those waitresses, hookers, and porn stars, today he had to apologize to HIS TWO-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER'S PRESCHOOL. "We would like to... offer our personal apology for any inconvenience you are experiencing due to increased media scrutiny surrounding our children," Tiger and wifey Elin Nordegren wrote in a letter addressed to the Premier Academy preschool. "We hope that the paparazzi will find something better to do with their time in the near future." For the most part the apology seemed to be accepted, except by three-year-old Corey Matthews who wrote back: "Aren't you the same Tiger Woods who slept with my mom roughly three years and nine months ago? I could really use some new Star Wars Legos... Dad."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23 Speaking of horny guys who won't stop apologizing for being horny, the perpetually horny John Mayer made another stop on his "Apology Tour 2010" today telling New York concertgoers that he is once again soooo sorry for calling ex-gal pal Jessica Simpson "sexual napalm" as well as spouting "the n-word" in a Playboy interview. "I hate to come off like an asshole ever, and thank you guys for believing that I am not an asshole," the asshole told his fans. "Never ever, in my entire life did I ever think that it would be a good idea to be an asshole. But you know what? There's plenty of assholes who think the same thing, so I have to thank you." You're welcome. Now shut up, asshole. MEANWHILE... Speaking of horny guys that don't ever apologize, actor Charlie Sheen has checked into rehab AGAIN after threatening to kill his wife with a knife last Christmas. While his reps are calling it a "preventative measure," RadarOnline has a source that claims Sheen is once again using booze and coke like it's going out of style (which it never does, BTW). Why is this awesome news? Because with Sheen in rehab, his absolutely terrible—yet inexplicably popular—sitcom Two and a Half Men is on indefinite hiatus. Thank you, coke and booze! Now hop into my nose and throat.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24 What is it about California that breeds gorgeous homophobes? Yet another Miss California USA contestant (other than Carrie Prejean) has been shooting her pouty mouth off about same-sex marriage. Miss Beverly Hills 2010 Lauren Ashley shared the following stupid opinion with reporters today: "... in Leviticus it says [You know you're in for some serious bullshit already, dontcha?—Ann], 'If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.' The Bible is pretty black and white." Yeah, yeah... and when it comes to persecuting and inspiring violence against gay people, it's also "red all over."
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25 Today President Barack Obama tried an unusual tack to convince Republicans to buy into his health care reform legislation: a seven-hour bipartisan summit designed to literally bore his opponents to death, thereby giving Democrats enough votes for passage, while single-handedly wiping out the biggest dickholes in congress. Obviously, it didn't work. And it's all your fault, Obama! You're simply too dreamy. (Next time, let Joe Biden lead the meeting.)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26 Katie Holmes is getting pregnant again! That's the latest rumor surrounding Tom Cruise's child bride as she undergoes "intense Scientology 'auditing.'" The New York Post reports that Holmes spent "more than four hours" at the Hollywood Scientology center last week. "This is exactly what happened before she got pregnant with Suri," a source ominously told the Post. "It's almost as if she is being prepared for it." Holmes' personal physician, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, confirmed the speculation. "The womb of the host vessel—er, Katie—is as spic-and-span as a Denobulan freighter's cargo hold," Klaktu proudly told reporters. "Make no mistake! Suri will still be the leader of your new world order, but her genetically optimized sibling—who we are tentatively planning on naming either Glipthorp, Xanthar, or Dave—will be holographically implanted into the host vess—er, again, apologies, Katie's—womb, and in time, shall assist your new empress in her galaxy-shattering battle against the thetans. They shall both do L. Ron proud, and shall rule you primitive humanoids with an iron fist." Klaktu then noted that Katie and Tom have already registered for their baby shower at Target.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27 To think that a few months ago none of us would've even bothered to roll our eyes about the sex life of Tiger Woods! My, how things have changed! The latest breaking news? Tiger's wife Elin has REFUSED TO MOVE BACK HOME now that Tiger's out of sex rehab, and will instead stay at the nearby rental home she's been in ever since the whole smashing-Tiger's-Escalade-with-a-nine-iron incident! Isn't that insanely interesting? NO, IT IS NOT! And yet, we will use unnecessary hyperbole, strategic bolding, and our CAPS LOCK key to make you think it is! IN A RELATED STORY... We're going to hell, aren't we?
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28 Thought you were done with reality TV moron Kate Gosselin? Wrong! She's been confirmed as one of the "stars" on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars, where she'll be tango-ing and cha-cha-ing with fellow D-listers Pamela Anderson, Shannen Doherty, and one of the Pussycat Dolls. These "stars" will also be joined by 80-year-old Buzz Aldrin. Wait... hold on a second. So a bunch of marginally famous people are going to be dancing alongside the legendary astronaut who was one of the first humans to set foot on the moon? And even worse, there's no Jon Gosselin?? MEANWHILE... In other reality TV news/definitive proof that there is no god, Snooki is still alive. E! reports that Snooki—the busty, spray-tanned Oompa-Loompa who lives in a syphilis-ridden Jersey flophouse on Jersey Shore—was at a Manhattan nightclub celebrating Purim with castmate Vinny when the club's atrium collapsed. "We thought the dj was beatin the beat hardcore but nope, the roof couldn't handle snooki and vin," Snooki twatted afterward. She then narrowly avoided a falling anvil, stepped out of the way at the last minute as an out-of-control 18-wheeler barreled past her, and continued living despite the will of the universe and all its inhabitants.