MONDAY, MARCH 1 As ecstatically reported last week, Kate Gosselin (formerly of the televised trainwreck Jon & Kate Plus Eight) is going to be on Dancing with the Stars, you guys! We're really excited about this because it gives her yet another opportunity to completely ignore her eight kids, and... wait. Hold on a second, this just in: According to Radar Online, Kate will be doing all her dancing practice near her Pennsylvania home because "she insists on putting her children first." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! Good one! Kate, if this dancing thing doesn't pan out, you can always go into standup comedy! MEANWHILE... If you're worried that pudgy douchebag Jon Gosselin isn't gonna be able to make his monthly child support payments, well... you could be right. However, luckily for him, Playgirl has asked Jon to pose nude for their magazine, and offered him a whopping... umm... okay, not whopping $20,000? Why so little? "Honestly, it'd be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot," says Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio. "His star is extinguishing, and he's not very [well endowed]." Sorry, Daniel. Actually we were talking to Jon when we asked, "Why so little?" Kaaaa-ZING! Thank yew! Thank yew! Catch us and Kate Gosselin next week at Laffy's Comedy Club in Boise!

TUESDAY, MARCH 2 More drama at the Jackson household! Thirteen-year-old Jaafar Jackson (the nephew of the late Michael Jackson, and son of Jermaine) stands accused of ordering a stun gun online. But get this: Security guards at the Jackson compound discovered the Jackson kids playing with the weapon and threatening to stun seven-year-old Blanket! Though the Department of Children and Family Services confiscated the weapon, TMZ reports that the kids have a second stun gun hidden somewhere on the property. IN A RELATED STORY... Run, Blanket! Run!! IN ANOTHER RELATED STORY... Don't name your child "Blanket." IN A NON-RELATED STORY... Today California Republican Senator Roy Ashburn (who has consistently voted against gay rights and same-sex marriage) was arrested for driving drunk... after leaving a gay club... with an unidentified male in the passenger seat. Hmm. Now why would a homophobic senator be caught leaving a gay club? "I'm gay," the penis-sucking Ashburn later publicly admitted. Oh! Okay, well that makes sense. But wait... if Ashburn's so gay, then why always vote against pro-gay legislation? Because "that's how the majority of voters in my district would have wanted me to vote," said the testicle-licking hypocrite. Obviously there isn't a way to make Ashburn "not gay"—but c'mon. There's got to be a way to excommunicate him!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3 What's the best thing to ever happen to Jessica Simpson? Ex-boy toy John Mayer's sexually disgusting, somewhat racist Playboy interview in which he labeled her "sexual napalm"—thereby making her momentarily relevant again. But is she thankful for the opportunity to dip her pedicured toe back in the limelight? Oh, nooooooo... "I tried to read the article, and I was so disappointed in him," the blonde has-been moaned to Oprah. "I don't want people to know how I am in bed! He did apologize. I don't accept it." And likewise, we the public do not accept your return, Jessica. Go away, and seriously dear... this time? Try college. MEANWHILE! Screen vixen Megan Fox told Harper's Bazaar today that she's only had sex "with two men in my entire life." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! When did you and Kate Gosselin get so funny?

THURSDAY, MARCH 4 According to the New York Post, Johnny Depp's longtime gal pal Vanessa Paradis has ordered him to quit his upcoming flick The Tourist—because it co-stars man-stealing harpie Angelina Jolie and her formidable vagina! As you undoubtedly recall, Jolie's vagina contains a high-powered tractor beam (not unlike the one used on the Death Star) capable of seducing any man in the universe—as happened in the sad case of Brad Pitt and poor homely Jennifer Aniston. Vowing not to let Jolie's vagina get the best of her, Paradis has allegedly convinced Depp to drop the project, thereby avoiding the vagina completely. "Your silly scheme will never work, Vanessa," Jolie's vagina vowed in an interview with Life & Style magazine. "I'll get your precious Depp—and probably a couple of folding chairs as well. It's kind of hard to control this thing."

FRIDAY, MARCH 5 Oh, Sean Penn. If there's one thing we can count on (besides your melodramatic acting), it's that whenever a tragedy occurs, you'll be there, leaping onto the bandwagon into the fray. Penn's most recent expedition was to Haiti, where he helped those who had suffered from the devastating earthquake... and got plenty of attention. He also received a bit of criticism for his more-charitable-than-thou posturing—and when asked about his critics on Sunday Morning, he responded like the upstanding humanitarian he is. "I guess I've been so away from it all in our tent camp in Haiti... I haven't had an awful lot of time to pay attention to [my critics]," he not-so-subtly began before cutting to the chase. "Do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah." Whoa. Hey, how about this, Sean: You keep pushing aside victims of natural disasters so you can mug for the cameras, and we'll keep being grateful that you've taken a break from acting. (While also keeping our fingers crossed that you don't have a gypsy grandma who can give us ass cancer.)

SATURDAY, MARCH 6 Lindsay Lohan is writing her autobiography! "I write a lot and it's very therapeutic for me because then I can see what's happening on paper," LiLo recently told OK! "I've started writing a book. It's going to take awhile, [with] all my life experiences. I started writing it a year ago. There's a lot to put down, you know?" Oh, we can imagine, Linds! On the other hand, instead of writing it yourself (we've seen your Twitter account, sweetie, we know it can't be easy for you), how about you just reprint the past few years of One Day at a Time? We've faithfully chronicled your brief rise to fame and your long, long fall from it—from your fights with Samantha Ronson to your underage flirtations with Colin Farrell, from your trainwreck of a clothing line to your DUI/car chases, from your failed attempts to volunteer for Barack Obama's campaign to your 84-minute-long stint in Los Angeles County Jail, from the "Firecrotch Incident" to your countless alcohol and cocaine-fueled shenanigans... we've got it covered, sweetie. Have your book agent call our book agent. Mwah!

SUNDAY, MARCH 7 Today the Oscars happened, and we're guessing you're just as tired as we are of hearing about that one movie nobody saw (The Hurt Locker), the annoying-as-usual Ben Stiller dressing up as a Na'vi, a terribly dressed/spraytanned Sarah Jessica Parker looking like the lovechild of Mr. Ed and an Oompa-Loompa, and the Academy finally giving Miss Congeniality a trophy primarily so she'd shut up already. But let's talk about Kathy Ireland for a moment, shall we? Someone decided the former model would be a good person to cover the Oscars' red carpet—so with her trademark plastered-on grin, Ireland stumbled her way through prewritten small talk, terrifying both viewers and celebs as she awkwardly gesticulated with all the grace of a splintery marionette. Afterward, Ireland got a fair bit of criticism, which she responded to in a—what?!—gracious manner. "Some say I looked pregnant. LOL! Not true... others say I was drinking... would LOL if it were not so sad. Just excited 2 be involved," she twatted, along with, "Great for people 2B honest. Helps me learn & grow." Good for you, dear! Now never, ever come within 500 meters of a red carpet again. (Also, Sean Penn? Please note that at no point did she tweet, "I hope u all get ass cancer.")