MONDAY, MARCH 8 Just when you think there's the slightest chance that Lindsay Lohan isn't as batshit crazy as you thought—she does this! (YAY!) According to the New York Post, Lindsay is suing the financial company E-Trade for $100 million because she thinks she's being mocked as "a milkaholic baby" in one of their television ads. (Again... YAY!) The ad portrays talking babies (ugh—this needs to stop) playing the stock market, one of whom is a boyfriend-stealing, "milkaholic" infant called "Lindsay." Lohan's lawyer Stephanie Ovadia says "hell no" to that, claiming that E-Trade is capitalizing on Lindsay's single-name status for a tidy profit. "They used the name Lindsay," Ovadia said, "...as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan." With all due respect, Ms. Ovadia (and please don't sue us), but absolutely NO ONE was saying anything about this commercial until your client decided to go batshit crazy and sue the company for $100 mil. However, if you need further proof your client is not the "milkaholic" baby in question, please note the following: (1) Lindsay is not a "milkaholic"—we're pretty sure she's an "alcoholic." Big difference. (2) Historically, Lindsay Lohan doesn't steal boyfriends. Angelina Jolie—also not a baby—does that. And (3) Lindsay Lohan does not look anything like a baby. In fact, she looks like our 83-year-old Aunt Wanda who spent much of her life under a tanning lamp. CASE CLOSED.

TUESDAY, MARCH 9 First of all, we'd like to point out that not all blondes are "dumb." We are a natural blonde (both curtains and drapes) and it's a little perturbing when our blonde sisters act like they are victims of severe head trauma. Case in point: Jessica Simpson. In a recent interview with iheartradio, she revealed the secret behind her million-dollar smile. "I don't brush my teeth!" Jessica squeaked. "No, really! I just use Listerine—and sometimes I'll use my sweater." For the legion of young people reading this column, JESSICA SIMPSON IS STUPID. DO NOT LISTEN TO HER. While the outsides of her teeth may shine like a million suns, inside they probably resemble Lil Wayne's. Brush and floss daily—unless you want tooth decay to lead to infection, which spreads to your brain and in turn makes you say ridiculously dumb things like it's okay to brush your teeth with a sweater. MEANWHILE... Blonde co-star of The Hills and plastic surgery fatality Heidi Montag has replaced her personal manager (and creepy hubby) Spencer Pratt with "intuitive psychic" Aiden Chase. "After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams," Heidi cooed, "... having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has." BTW! We have an "intuitive psychic" leading our team too, and he says you're "a dumb blonde bimbo" and that we're "a sarcastic bitch." Heyyyyy!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10 Another of our childhood crushes has passed away; actor Corey Haim died today at the age of 38 after collapsing in his mother's home. The star of such films as The Lost Boys and License to Drive—alongside fellow teen idol Corey Feldman—Haim also had a troubling history of drug abuse, although no illegal drugs were found in his home at the time of his death. Reportedly he had been fighting flu-like symptoms throughout the week. According to Access Hollywood, the coroner's office allegedly said that Haim died of pulmonary congestion, though final toxicology reports won't be back for two months. As thousands offered their condolences online and elsewhere, former acting partner and occasional dick Corey Feldman went on Larry King with this to say: "At the end of the day, Larry, where were all these [fans] the last 15 years of Corey's life? Where were all these people to lend a hand?" Umm... that's kind of not our job, Corey—but thanks for the guilt trip. We'll be sure to add it to our "We Love the Two Coreys" scrapbook we made when we were eight.

THURSDAY, MARCH 11 On the topic of "unfair treatment," 18-year-old lesbian Constance McMillen is being blamed for the cancellation of her Mississippi high school prom because she wanted to wear a tuxedo and attend with her fellow student/girlfriend. The Itawamba County School District shut down the prom "due to distractions to the educational process caused by recent events"—which is to say, they hate gays and don't want them attending their proms. So! Not only did the school district discriminate against and violate Constance's civil rights, they also indirectly put her personal safety in danger by making it appear she caused the prom's cancellation. Expect their pants to be sued off (and rightly so). And by the way, Mississippi? Being "Mississippi" is no longer an excuse.

FRIDAY, MARCH 12 Okay, dears: We have some good news, and we have some bad news. Considering the sort of week it's been, we're going to be sweet and give you the good news first. You're welcome! GOOD NEWS... World-famous moron Spencer Pratt has quit The Hills! "I am saddened to take this break from filming MTV's The Hills," Pratt told People. "At this time, however, I feel I would not be honoring my country or myself if I were to continue this endeavor when I have the opportunity and the ability to assist our nation." Wait... wha?! BAD NEWS... The reason Spencer's quitting The Hills? Naturally, it's to fight cyber crime! "In the last few months I have discovered a new passion and new purpose to my life," Pratt rambled on, claiming his "new mission" will be "to do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the US military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation's security." In related news, Pratt's plasticine nightmare of a wife, Heidi Montag, took a quick break from getting her palm read by her agent to politely tell her husband to turn off his goddamn PlayStation and stop pretending he was Matthew Broderick in WarGames.

SATURDAY, MARCH 13 HOLLYWEIRD ROMANCE UPDATE! Kate Winslet is getting divorced from her director husband, Sam Mendes! (Possibly because he hasn't made a good movie since that one about plastic bags blowing in the wind, but we digress.) MEANWHILE... Entertainment Weekly has the hot scoop that David Schwimmer is engaged! Wait... who? MEANWHILE... Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy: DUNZO! Just last March, Kennedy told Ryan Seacrest that he was in love—like, in Twilight love—with J.Love. "We have an intense connection," the failed comedian swooned. "She's my Bella. I don't want to bite her neck, but I want her to live." But what a difference a year makes! "Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have broken up, a rep has confirmed," People reports. No further details were available, but it's safe to assume Kennedy is currently marathoning Ghost Whisperer DVDs and going through box after box of Kleenex to soak up tears (and at least one other bodily fluid).

SUNDAY, MARCH 14 "In the days following my best friend Corey Haim's death, I have spent much time with his mother Judy, who has always been like a mother to me," Corey Feldman said in a press release. "I would love nothing more than to be by her side at Corey's funeral, however, due to their strong religious beliefs and need for privacy, the family has decided to make Corey's funeral on Tuesday a small private affair. Understanding the recent media attention and to be respectful of the family's wishes, I have decided not to attend." How big of you, Corey. Because god knows there are armies of screaming fans and rabid media who follow you everywhere! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to open up a box of Franzia and watch The Lost Boys, hopefully remembering a time when you were cute enough we didn't care if you were guilt-trippy and oblivious. (This may or may not be followed by License to Drive. And another box of wine.)