MONDAY, MARCH 22 Congratulations, America! You now have health insurance! (Which is great because the Republicans intend to keep making us sick.) It was a historic day in Washington, DC, as President Barack Obama put his signature on the Democrats' landmark heath care legislation—and the Republicans were such good sports about it! "We will not allow this to stand," screeched Republican Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota, while Texas Representative Randy Neugebauer screamed "baby killer" on the house floor in reference to abortion provisions in the bill. But hey. Those are just the weird, super hard-line, fringe Republicans making a stink, right? Umm... wrong. Immediately after the bill was signed, former presidential candidate Senator John McCain issued the following plea for donations: "I believe we must repeal this bill immediately... However, I am facing a tough reelection campaign. If I am not reelected, I cannot fight for our shared values... That's why your immediate donation is so critical. Your urgent support will enable me to continue our fight against this terrible bill." What McCain is forgetting is that this new legislation will now allow him to be treated for his preexisting condition (of being an asshole).
TUESDAY, MARCH 23 Poor Sandra Bullock—our loathing has now turned to pity (and was that the plan all along?). As reported last week, Sandy has been made to look like a horse's ass thanks to her truly skanky hubby Jesse "Monster Garage" James, who was caught cheating with tawdry tattooed trollop (and possible Nazi sympathizer) Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, and... wait. Michelle just posted a message to ourselves and the media on her Facebook page. Let's see what she has to say! "For all you internet warriors talking shit... Get off your God dam [sic] high horse, your shit don't smell like roses either. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone... in other words FUCK YOU." Oh, goodness. We don't seem to remember Jesus putting it quite that way. MEANWHILE... The second of what will surely be a long line of Jesse James' mistresses was revealed today by Star magazine. Meet Melissa Smith—who... hold on... also happens to be a stripper and covered with tattoos. (Are we sensing a trend here?) Star says that Jesse met Melissa on MySpace and invited her to California "for a ride in one of his cars" (UGH!). Unfortunately for the world, they never made it out of his office, where they allegedly had "unprotected kinky sex" on his couch—which we assume wasn't dry-cleaned afterward. Again... UGH! As stated earlier, we feel sorry for the Sandra Bullocks and the Elin Nordegrens of the world—but who is going to speak out for these poor, befouled pieces of furniture? (If the afterlife is just, Tiger will come back as Jesse James' ottoman.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24 Wait... this just in... Jesse James has "feelings," guys! After mistress/stripper #2 Melissa Smith shot her mouth off to Star magazine yesterday, James quickly shot off a fiery text to his former skank. "I'm angry at you and disappointed you'd do this," wrote the cheating, hypocritical douchebag. Soooo... Jesse James feels betrayed? Oh, we're so sorry! But have you stopped to think how your office couch feels? MEANWHILE... In an unsurprising turn of events, Jesse James' ex-wife Janine Lindemulder has spoken out against her former hubby, calling him a "chronic cheater" who was allegedly unfaithful to her only weeks into their marriage. Ready for another shock? Lindemulder is ALSO heavily tattooed, as well as a former porn actress. So which of the following is not like the other: tattooed former porn star Janine Lindemulder, tattooed stripper Melissa Smith, tattooed stripper/possible Nazi sympathizer Michelle McGee... aaaaaaand Academy Award-winning actress Sandra Bullock? Honey, the next time you choose a husband for publicity reasons? At least give him an STD test first.
THURSDAY, MARCH 25 Well, it seems all this talk about the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James scandal has gotten the Tiger Woods scandal all jealous! And so, meet Devon James, a Florida "porn queen" who by our latest count is the 14th alleged mistress for sex-addled golfer Tiger Woods. According to RadarOnline, the demure Ms. James claims the golfer paid her and another woman $2,000 each for a "two-girl sex party" in which the three of them sexually abused yet another piece of innocent furniture. (When will the madness stop?!?) She also claims that in text messages, Woods would often call her his "whore." IN A RELATED STORY... These stories are starting to make us feel whorish, too. Excuse us while we wash up in a truck stop restroom.
FRIDAY, MARCH 26 Okay! We've splashed some water on our face and under our arms and we're ready for some more tabloid degradation! And what's this? Us Weekly is reporting that Jesse James once exposed his sexual organ to a female colleague at work! That is so surprising! However, in this scenario, the female employee DID NOT sleep with him, and in fact, sued the cycle shop owner for sexual harassment. Wait... so she's saying there's some other kind of recourse for women besides hopping on Jesse James' penis and staining office furniture? Tattooed strippers of the world, take note! MEANWHILE... Due to complications in her personal life, we're sorry to report that actress Sandra Bullock will NOT be attending the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. (Because c'mon... hasn't she been slimed enough already?)
SATURDAY, MARCH 27 By now you probably feel as nasty as one of the many stains on Jesse James' office couch, which means it's time for a palate cleanser by the name of... Lindsay Lohan! Apparently the recent deaths of Brittany Murphy, Heath Ledger, and Corey Haim have left many big media outlets shaken and unprepared for when a celeb slips off to the great hereafter. That's why, according to PopEater, many major news organizations have already started working on their obituaries for Lindsay! "News outlets need to be prepared," said a source that works for one such media agency. "They're in the business of breaking news, and any preparation that can be done ahead of time is simply doing their jobs...." BREAKING NEWS! We interrupt this One Day at a Time entry for the following breaking news update. Tonight, actress Lindsay Lohan was seen leaving a friend's house in Los Angeles with a mysterious white powder puffing out of her shoes. WE ARE NOT KIDDING. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. At this point we are unable to determine the exact identity of the white substance, which could be baby powder, maybe flour, or just to make a wild guess, perhaps cocaine that has filled her body to the point where it now squirts out of her toenails. Stand by for further updates. We now return you to today's entry of One Day at a Time. MEANWHILE... Dear News Outlets: You may want to hurry up with that obit.
SUNDAY, MARCH 28 As you've undoubtedly heard, the Catholic Church has a bit of a pedophile problem. Not exactly surprising, when a religion forces its priests to be celibate, and yet? According to the pope, all that sexual abuse is just a bunch of GOSSIP. During Pope Benedict's Palm Sunday service today in St. Peter's Square, the pontiff pooh-poohed the growing sex scandal, saying the faithful should "not allow oneself to be intimidated by the petty gossip of dominant opinion." OH, REALLY? His Holiness may want to tell that to the 200 deaf boys sexually abused in the 1950s and '60s by Reverend Lawrence Murphy, who the pope later refused to defrock. Accusing Lindsay Lohan of having cocaine shooting out of her toenails? That's gossip. Covering up the abuse of 200 deaf boys? That's bullshit.