MONDAY, MARCH 29 While we were buying some Häagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche and L'eggs at Safeway this weekend, we stumbled across the latest copy of Us Weekly, adorned with Sandra Bullock's face and the following headline: "MARRIED TO A MONSTER." We assume the "monster" in this scenario is philandering hubby Jesse James—but really? "A monster?" We were thinking this was harsh even for Us Weekly's hyperbolic standards... until we read the following VERY DISTURBING STORY. Life & Style is reporting the allegations of tattoo shop owner Eric McDougall, who claims he participated in a foursome with James, mistress/skank/possible Nazi enthusiast Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, and McDougall's receptionist... wait for it... Skittles Valentine. (There's so much to despise about this distasteful unfolding drama, but the inclusion of a character named "Skittles Valentine" is not one of them.) Anyway, here's where things get gross. Jesse and Michelle allegedly stopped by McDougall's San Diego shop to get yet another tat, and after getting liquored up, Michelle starts frenching Skittles. (That's why they're called "receptionists," right?) According to the unintentionally hilarious McDougall, "Jesse and Michelle both wanted Skittles" (understandable), which eventually lead to icky unprotected foursome sex in the tat shop's back room (not understandable). However, this free-for-all transmission of crabs was interrupted when Michelle determined Jesse was spending far too much time "tasting the rainbow" with Skittles, thereby causing "a hair-pulling knock-down fight" between the two girls—all of which went down while wifey Sandra Bullock was away promoting her movie The Proposal. So yeah, we guess Jesse James is kind of a monster. But... The Proposal was really, really bad! (And c'mon... Skittles are delicious.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 30 As reported last week, Tiger Woods has finished his stint in sex rehab and is preparing to play golf again at the Masters. So we guess that means we won't be hearing any more disgustingly icky mistress stories, right? WRONG! Thank you so much, Vanity Fair (and yes, we're being sarcastic) for your feature story on Tiger's mistresses, which includes the following stomach-turning stories that would make Michelle "Bombshell" McGee throw up her Skittles. Pancake house waitress/Mistress #5 Mindy Lawton tells VF that not only was Tiger a poor tipper (Only 15 percent? Really?), he was an incredibly cheap date. In fact, Lawton alleges the only meal Tiger ever bought for her was a chicken wrap from Subway that she had to quickly scarf down with some Baileys Irish Cream, so the golfer could get to work poking her behind. EWWW!! (Hubby Kip has to take us to Ruth's Chris Steak House before we'll even let him touch our behind.) Unfortunately, Mindy continues—and if you have a weak tummy, you may want to jump to Wednesday. Okay, here we go: During their courtship, Tiger allegedly met Mindy in a church parking lot where they immediately started wrestling tongues. Mindy momentarily stopped his advances to warn him that "it was her time of the month"—but that didn't stop Tiger. Mindy claims, "He told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed against the Escalade." EWWW!! Even worse? According to Mindy, that used feminine hygiene product was later found in the lot by a National Enquirer reporter. GAHHH!! (Let's hope the tampon had enough sense to keep its mouth shut. ACK!! We're grossing ourselves out!)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31 Following the same tired playbook as Tiger Woods, skeezy Skittles defiler Jesse James has checked himself into a very fancy sex rehab facility in Tucson, Arizona, as "proof" that he's committed to making it work with scorned wifey Sandra Bullock. Happily, Sandy's not having it. "Jesse offered to go to the same rehab center that Tiger Woods went to if Sandra would support him and stick with him," says a snoopy spy to Radar Online. "She said, 'no' and that basically he's the scum of the earth." See, that's your problem, Jesse. You're going to sex rehab when you should be in scum rehab. There's probably a decent one in New Jersey.
THURSDAY, APRIL 1 Quick Lindsay Lohan update! As you remember from early last week, Lindsay was seen leaving a friend's house with copious amounts of mysterious white powder puffing out of her shoes. Result? Laughter and mockery. Later that same week, however, Lindsay was on her way into a house party when she tripped and fell face first into an agave plant. And then today Lindsay fell once again outside the Les Deux nightclub—this time on regular old hard cement. So okay... maybe we were wrong to laugh at her decision to fill her shoes with white powder—it's obviously the only thing keeping her aloft.
FRIDAY, APRIL 2 So, just to recap: Lindsay Lohan (A) can no longer stand upright, (B) has news outlets preemptively writing her obituary (as reported last week), and (C) has gone from being adorable to looking like that one old leather Miu Miu handbag that Hubby Kip "accidentally" ran over with his brother's borrowed Hummer. Thankfully, LiLo has an excuse for her current status: The paparazzi and club owners are conspiring against her! "Security @Voyeur nightclub in LA just set me up&paid off paparazzi to not let me in the back door and come take photos of me in the back," Lohan twatted yesterday. A source for Page Six says the reality is slightly less dramatic: "She is so out of control, nobody wants her to do their club appearances," the source says, noting Linds simply isn't allowed into clubs these days. Or sure, Lindsay, maybe it's a huge conspiracy! Quick, call Mulder and Scully!
SATURDAY, APRIL 3 Hey, remember a few days ago how super, super sorry Jesse James was about cheating on Sandra Bullock? Remember how he went to sex rehab and was trying really, really hard to make things right? Well... today he left rehab. Radar Online reports that Jesse tried to call Sandy from the facility—but when she refused to take the call, he threw a tantrum and left. Now that's what we call commitment! MEANWHILE... In some pretty great news, it turns out that Sandy's prenup entitles Jesse to (wait for it...) absolutely nothing if she can prove he cheated on her! (No problem there.) And while Jesse might have some money of his own thanks to his motorcycle-tweaking business, a source tells Radar Online that "her fortune is far bigger than his." So you keep that Miss Congeniality money, Sandy! It's yours! (Just try not to think about what Jesse's already spent on tattooed Nazi strippers.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 4 While we've already fulfilled our "gross" quotient for the week, get some Purell ready. FIRST! Tiger Woods plans to "explain" his sex scandal to his kids! "The pain and the damage I caused my wife, my mom, my kids," Tiger moaned, "going forward, I am going to have to explain all [this to them]." Though thankfully, he didn't promise to do so in detail. Ahem. Tampon. SECOND! The Hills' Heidi Montag is talking in detail... about her creepy plastic surgeries! Talking to the perpetually annoying Ryan Seacrest, Montag spoke about how she recently got 10 plastic surgeries in a day—including nose and chin jobs, a boob job, fat injections, eyebrow lifts, and getting her "waist cinched in on both sides." She also, uh... "had my back scooped." A perplexed Seacrest asked for clarification about that last one, to which the braindead Heidi replied, "I actually don't know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit." Montag then noted she can no longer jog, her body is "very fragile" so she's "very weird about hugging people now," and—oh god—"I have the footage of my 10 procedures." She then added that the gory video might be shown in a future reality show. We'll see you next week, dears. And please—save some Purell for us?