MONDAY, APRIL 19 As reported last week, Lindsay Lohan's life still stinks. According to the tabs, she's more than half a million dollars in debt—and even worse? Dr. Drew Pinsky (of Loveline fame) is all up in her freckled grill, advising her to get arrested so she can get the treatment she needs! Well, that was the swizzle stick that broke the camel's back, because Lindsay fired back at Dr. Drew's advice with a prescription of her own! "[Dr. Drew] is a quack and a sellout," LiLo yelled to Gossip Cop. "I'm fine. He's not a real doctor, he's a celebrity doctor!" (Actually he is a real doctor, and an "addiction medicine specialist"—besides, maybe people who are pretending to be celebrities shouldn't throw stones.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of "out-of-control," Britney Spears seems to be getting more and more "in" control with each passing day... except for maybe her NIPPLES. According to The Sun, Britney's papa Jamie Spears—who is still keeping a tight rein on her business and personal life—has banned her from leaving the house without a bra. "[Jamie] hates the pictures of her with her nipples all over the place," says an inside snoop. Britney's nipples promptly responded, "Hey, we're not letting some pervy hillbilly tell us what to do! We're filing for emancipation! (And by the way, is it cold in here? Or is it just us?)"
TUESDAY, APRIL 20 In this week's "Where are they now?" we put the spotlight on former sitcom actor Scott Baio (Joanie Loves Chachi, Charles in Charge), who nowadays is spending his time engaging in Twatter wars with the gossip website Jezebel! (Hey, everybody needs a hobby.) It all started when Baio twatted the following: "Taxes are DONE. That should feed, house, & provide medical for quite a few lazy non working people at my expense... Have a great Monday!" Jezebel posted the rather dickish twat on their site, which infuriated Baio, but REALLY ticked off his wife Renee, who leapt into the Twatter fray with the following amazing twat: "Fuck YOU Jezebel.com web rag!!! You bunch of FAR LEFT Lesbian shitasses!!!!! No wonder you're all lesbos because what man in his right mind could put up with your cuntness? Scott Baio has more class in his piss than all of you all!!!" Wow. Later, however, wifey Renee recanted (sort of) her previous twat: "True FACT. I have lesbian friends that couldn't be nicer. They are true loyal friends. Those Jezebel lesbians are SHITASSES!!!!!!!" Next week on "Where Are They Now?": Lesbians—where are they now? Being SHITASSES!!!!!!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21 Let's check in over at Lindsay Lohan's apartment to see what's going on today. Nope... nothing much. Maybe we'll just leave and come back la... KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. Oh, who's that at LiLo's door? The LA County Sheriff's Department? Alongside daddy/dipshit Michael Lohan? What do they want? Well, according to sources talking to TMZ, they're doing a routine "welfare check" on Lindy's little 16-year-old sister Ali Lohan, who's currently staying with her. WHAT?!? Oh, come on! Can't a big sister let a little sister crash at her pad now and then? And besides, give us one good reason why Lindsay can't be a positive role model to... oh. Okay, you can take a look around. We'll be at the Viper Room until you're done. MEANWHILE... Headline of the day from Us magazine: "Larry King's Wife May Have Only Wed Him for Money." In a related story: "Bear Shits in Woods; Pope Wears Funny Hat."
THURSDAY, APRIL 22 Okay, since we weren't really able to hang out at Lindsay's place yesterday, let's check in again today where we're certain it will be a much calmer atmosphere, and... KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. (Oh dear.) The cops showed up yet again at LiLo's pad today, this time looking for a $35,000 Rolex watch that, according to TMZ, belongs to a friend who accidentally left it at Lindy's house earlier this year and never got it back. Lindsay (surprise!) denied any knowledge of the watch. However, sources say that officers have "photographic evidence which could prove Lindsay knows exactly where the Rolex went"—and so the investigation continues. Meanwhile, Lindsay should start looking for a new place to live—preferably someplace without a door.
FRIDAY, APRIL 23 Rest in peace, Bret Michaels. Wait, wait! We typed that too soon! Still, things aren't looking too hot for the former Poison singer/current reality TV fixture, who suffered a brain hemorrhage yesterday and is still in intensive care. A source tells People that Michaels had a severe "thunderclap headache," which he described to doctors as feeling "like [getting] hit in the head with a baseball bat over and over again." Now, we're hardly a medical expert—but our professional opinion? We'd be very surprised if Michaels' omnipresent bandana didn't have at least something to do with this. MEANWHILE... "Ah'm just so proud," the State of Mississippi told reporters today at a press conference. "Fah ages, people ha' thought a' Mississippi as the most racist state in America. But now, thanks ta Arizona, we're proud t' be known as only the second most racist state in the nation!" Mississippi was referring to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's decision today to sign a bill that allows police officers to demand proof of citizenship from anyone they think might look... y'know... illegal. Brewer signed the bill despite loud criticism from civil rights leaders, immigration advocates, President Barack Obama, the Statue of Liberty, the ghosts of the Founding Fathers, and just about everyone who doesn't shave their head in order to make a statement about their proud genetic heritage. The clear losers? Arizonans who are illegal immigrants, Arizonans who are legal immigrants, Arizonans who are descended from anyone who's ever been an immigrant, and any Arizonan who doesn't have blonde hair and blue eyes. The clear winner? Mississippi! "Ain't lookin' so bad now, am I?" the state proudly proclaimed.
SATURDAY, APRIL 24 "Just got a glass thrown at my head. ... Hmmm – wonder who did it?" Samantha Ronson twatted early this morning. Oooh! Oooh! We know! We know! Was it... Lindsay Lohan? It was? Yesss! At an LA nightclub last night, "Samantha was DJing and went to sit with her friends when Lindsay stormed over and threw a glass at her head," a source gabbed to the New York Post. "Glass flew everywhere, and Samantha looked really shaken up. The club owner asked Lindsay to leave." Look on the upside, Linds: At least the club owner didn't ask you to pay for the glass! (You can hardly afford it, and after all, missing Rolexes don't grow on trees.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 25 British people: not funny! And yet: Today some Brits did something legitimately hilarious! (Even if they did it totally by accident, then acted like big babies and immediately apologized). The setup: Pope Benedict XVI (AKA "King of the Kiddie Fiddlers") is planning on visiting the United Kingdom in September, so British officials brainstormed an internal memo with ideas for his visit. The punchline: Some of their suggested activities for the pope were to have him open an abortion clinic, bless a gay marriage, sell condoms, sing a duet with Queen Elizabeth II, and, according to the New York Times, "acknowledge the clerical sex-abuse scandal by establishing a hotline for abused children, or honoring abuse whistleblowers." Oh, snap, Brits! Needless to say, the Vatican was not amused when the document leaked, and the British frantically apologized, but still... good on you, Brits! Those ideas aren't half bad! Well... except for the "singing a duet with Queen Elizabeth" one. That one sounds like something that guy who plays Mr. Bean would come up with, or something that would be on one of BBC America's "comedy programmes." Which is to say, not funny. At all.