MONDAY, APRIL 26 Yet another job opportunity for the financially strapped Lindsay Lohan swirled down the toilet today after she was poop-canned from the upcoming film The Other Side. While Other Side director David Michaels refused to elaborate on her dismissal, sources tell TMZ that the film's financial backers had reservations about Lindsay's star power—hence the heave-ho. But wait just a second! Currently this same film stars Woody Harrelson (SNORE!), Giovanni Ribisi (Isn't he that one guy?), Dave Matthews (Wait... what??), and... oh, for the love of Christ... Alanis Morissette?? Look, Hollyweird financiers! As stars go, Alanis Morissette isn't worthy to lick Lindsay's mysterious white powder-covered shoes. (However, if you ever decide to make a movie about that, we'd pay to see it.) MEANWHILE... Linds' black-hearted daddy Michael Lohan waged a full-scale Twatter war against celebrity blogger Perez Hilton today—and oh boy, was it ugly! It all started when Perez reprinted Michael's alleged twat that Lindsay had been infected with HIV. BUT DON'T PANIC. Apparently that twat was written by a "cyber impersonator"—according to Papa Lohan—and is entirely untrue. Unfortunately, instead of simply squashing the rumor, Lohan Sr. went on to call the openly gay Perez a "sausage jockey," and post the following homophobic twat: "Stop stirring up trouble Perez, you're disgusting.Hell awaits you.You are only getting a taste now.U R the one who is likely to get AIDS." Perez quickly responded, "I love sausage!" and advised Daddy Lohan to get both a life and a job. However, to be fair, riding his daughter's coattails AND trying to ruin her life AND making homophobic slurs AND trying to get his photo taken with Gary Coleman is a full-time job. But boy—the benefits are crap.
TUESDAY, APRIL 27 Look, Sandra Bullock. We're sorry, but we just don't like you. Yes, it's unfortunate you decided to marry an alleged Nazi sympathizer who only dated big-boobied tattooed skanks before you came along, and then ended up cheating on you with (surprise!) a conga line of big-boobied tattooed skanks. That does not negate the fact that you have ruined countless weekends for countless women like ourselves who saw The Proposal, The Blind Side, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and (brrrrrr) Hope Floats. War criminals have been extradited from South America for less, so if you're thinking a mere sex scandal is suddenly going to transform you into "America's Sweetheart" then you are sadly mistak... [BREAKING NEWS! According to People.com, Sandra Bullock has adopted an absolutely adorable African American baby from New Orleans named "Louis." We now return you to One Day at a Time already in progress.] ...then you are most assuredly CORRECT! We love you Sandy! You are absolutely perfect in every way, and will be the most fantastic mother to ever walk the earth! We promise to always regard you as "America's #1 and only sweetheart," and watch any movie you're in (regardless of quality), as well as purchase Hope Floats on both DVD and Blu-ray. As for Jesse James, YOU ARE A FUCKING MONSTER WHO SHOULD GET CANCER AND DIE. Go Team Sandy!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28 Meanwhile, demon-in-human-form Jesse James (hubby to Earth's sweetest and saddest angel Sandra Bullock) has issued a statement in regard to her adoption of an African American baby. "The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words," Jesse wrote. "Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart... Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves." To reiterate: JESSE JAMES IS A FUCKING MONSTER WHO SHOULD GET CANCER AND DIE. Go Team Sandy!
THURSDAY, APRIL 29 Speaking of monsters in human form, inconceivably popular lesbian Justin Bieber was in New Zealand today when a mob of adoring crazed teenagers ripped off his hat and pushed his mother to the ground. He later twatted, "Not happy that someone stole my hat and knocked down my mama. Come on people." Really? You mention your missing hat first, before noting that your poor mother was nearly trampled to death? No, YOU come on, Satan! Everybody knows you're actually the Antichrist—we bet five bucks the number 666 is hiding beneath those perfectly trimmed bangs!
FRIDAY, APRIL 30 We're usually content with mocking our local Baldwin, Lake Oswego's Daniel Baldwin—but that isn't to imply the world's other Baldwins aren't working equally hard to embarrass themselves! The born-again/bankrupt Baldwin, Stephen (he of Bio-Dome and Shark in Venice "fame") has fallen on tough times and needs money... your money. Blaming Hollywood for ostracizing him because of his annoying tendency to prattle on about God, restorestephenbaldwin.org is asking for donations. "Our vision is to see Stephen Baldwin publicly restored in front of millions," the website proclaims. "Stephen's platform will increase allowing him to reach even more people with the Gospel and God will get all of the glory." Then there's a giant Pay Stephen Baldwin's Rent for Him PayPal button. Baldwin claims he didn't set up the website, but in a douche-tastic interview with PopEater, he admitted, "It's a charitable situation and whatever God's going to do, God's going to do. If it turns out to be something that blesses me in a great way financially, then amen." He added, "On the other side of it, it's become this thing that's kind of shown me really who some of my friends are. Interestingly enough, when it comes to the subject of money, people get really weird." No, Stephen. People "get really weird" when D-listers decide that instead of working for a living, they should just solicit PayPal donations from naïve jackasses. There's a difference. Even Michael Lohan hasn't sunk that low.
SATURDAY, MAY 1 The world is ending! The world is ending! FIRST! In Times Square, a crude car bomb made of gas, propane, firecrackers, and alarm clocks was discovered in a parked SUV. Though it was disarmed without incident, it still made things in post-9/11 New York a bit... shall we say... touchy. SECOND! The massive oil leak off the Louisiana coast continues to close in on the fragile shoreline, and despite President Barack Obama describing it as a "potentially unprecedented environmental disaster," nobody seems able to fix it. Uh oh. THIRD! "Your pathetic planetoid is doomed!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII proclaimed via interstellar hologram. "First a plague of begging Baldwins! Then amateur explosives outside the Broadway musical Mama Mia! Now environmental disasters! It is just as the Mighty L. Ron predicted in His Book of Xenu! Prepare, humanoids! Your Queen Suri comes of age, and shall reign over Battlefield Earth in this, the darkest night in galactic history! (Also, if you see him, please tell Tom Cruise to text me. It's been ages since we hung out, and we have important plans to discuss, including but not limited to Mission: Impossible 4.)"
SUNDAY, MAY 2 Today Roman Polanski, who's still under house arrest in Switzerland and facing extradition to the United States, wrote a nearly 1,000-word-long press release, insisting he could "remain silent no longer!" about his "unjust" treatment. Everyone started to read it, but then remembered he was whining about being punished for drugging and anally raping a 13-year-old—at which point they stopped reading and moved on to more important matters. IN RELATED NEWS... "I dunno, he seems to have some pretty legitimate points," Pope Benedict XVI noted after reading Polanski's rant. "And c'mon, has everyone forgotten how good Chinatown was? I guess I just don't see what the big deal is."